In love with best friend... afraid of losing him: please help

This is my first post here. I know this is really long… it’s hard to say everything in one post. If you don’t want to read the whole thing, at least please read the last paragraph.

I’ve known my best friend now for three years. It started towards the end of 2010 when I was in grade nine. I was doing very well in school but I didn’t really have many good friends and I found that I was very bored and frustrated with the classes I was in. Anyway, I knew about a special entrance school not far from where I lived which was an Academy specifically for students with an interest in Science, Maths, good education, nerdy stuff etc. I applied to enter the school hoping it would be a good place to challenge myself and meet other people like me. Anyway, I was accepted into the school and towards the end of that year there were some ‘engagement days’ for the incoming students. This was where I met my best friend.

The day was held at a nearby university, which has a beautiful campus, and when I got there one of my other friends introduced me to him. Throughout the day, as we went off to the various activities, we started talking to each other, and I realised that has was a really awesome guy. I could tell he was very intelligent, and we could talk about a lot of things we both had interests in. I remember at one point during the day, he started quoting the digits of pi (I can’t remember why) and I joined in, and we happened to know it to the exact same number of digits. We just smiled and laughed at how awesome it was. After that day I didn’t see him again until a few weeks later when we had an engagement camp at the same place. We talked some more and went for walks around the campus together. I should note that at this point in my life, I was a pretty outgoing person who could talk a lot and make jokes. I was also pretty happy in general and had hobbies that could keep me busy. I had experienced some mixed feelings about sexuality. I had definitely felt some attraction to the idea of some boys my age going through puberty like me, but it hadn’t been too strong and at this stage I wasn’t really sure or worried about it.

Anyway, the year started and throughout grade ten we became really good friends. We only had one class together, but we hung out every break and talked to each other a lot. Within the first term he asked me to go running with him one weekend in the city, and I remember being so happy but nervous around him because I didn’t want to do anything stupid and embarrassing. Early on we found out that we were the two top students in the year in terms of grades. When we realised this we actually became even closer because we felt we could understand each other, although it did become a little competitive at times, and he always seemed to beat me by like 2 marks in every exam, and I got kind of jealous XD. It turned out the school was actually a pretty big letdown, it was more stress than exciting challenges and the admin were idiots… Early on he also got a girlfriend (the only one he’s ever had), which didn’t really bother me at first. I was actually pretty happy for him.

Later on in the year, he helped me a lot. My parents separated and my grandparents died, and during this time I got a bit upset around him. He pretty much immediately noticed I was down (and I admit at times I kind of hoped that he would) and he asked me if I was alright. When I told him it was some family stuff he said he really hoped I was ok and that I could talk to him if I ever needed to. It started happening more frequently and I ended up talking to him about it, he even let me stay at his house for a week while my parents were overseas. At this point we became close friends and I told him that I was thankful for supporting me throughout the year. He said he was glad to have a close friend.
At the end of the year he went away to Europe for three weeks on a school trip, and I realised that I began to miss him A LOT. I was pretty much always thinking about him, and picturing what it would be like when he got back. When he did get back we spent about a week together at each other’s houses. On the first day I asked (quite seriously and nervously) if he thought I was gay (a lot of other people had made jokes about us being in a relationship). He said no, but that even if I was it wouldn’t matter. Later that night we hugged, and he said “thanks for talking”. After that we became REALLY close, and I knew that I had feelings for him. Every time we saw each other alone we would hug as hard as we could, sometimes on and off for hours when I kept pestering him. I didn’t know what he was thinking at this point, but he was letting me talk to him and was hugging me back. When we slept over at each other’s houses, I would go down to his mattress and stroke / hug him for hours while talking to him before going to sleep. I also got to see him a lot without a shirt on, which was awesome but also hurt to look at because he’s SO hot (seriously, you have no idea). So whenever we slept, went swimming, played or, on one occasion, when I treated some wounds he got in a bike accident when we went cycling together, I became more entranced by his gorgeous body. He has perfectly placed straight blond hair, smooth skin, the most adorable face and PERFECT abs… (as well as being the most intelligent person I’d met, he was also quite athletic). I realised that whenever I saw him or hugged him, I would get a massive erection that I couldn’t control. I don’t know if he ever noticed, but he didn’t seem to mind. It was weird because I’d never thought this strongly about anyone before, especially guys…

But then I started to get really depressed, because I became pretty much addicted to being with him… He had to spend increasingly more time with his girlfriend and studying as school got more stressful, and it was difficult to do anything with him. And I also got mad at myself for my feelings, and that I couldn’t be with him because he had a girlfriend. I hated, and still do hate, that I felt this way; I want to have a family and kids, and there’s so much telling me that it’s not right to be gay… It had pretty much always been me who initiated the hugging, and even though he almost always hugged back, I could tell that he was starting to lose the mutual closeness. He was usually too embarrassed to hug around other people, and towards the end of grade 11 he stopped hugging me back much. Over the holidays, I hardly got to spend any time with him and I was pretty upset again. I started getting angry whenever he would make/find reasons or excuses for why he couldn’t spend time with me, and I got annoyed when he got so hung up in schoolwork that he wouldn’t talk to me much. Anyway, we eventually got a bit close again but we had a few ups and downs earlier this year when we blew up at each other. But he forgave me and we ended up hugging again after I kept saying I was sorry and that he meant so much to me. Although we weren’t hugging as much, one night he let me massage his feet and legs for about 2 hours. Then I started doing this with him as a regular thing and it kind of turned into a whole body thing. I really liked it.

But then about a term later, I got pretty angry at a teacher in class, and later when I tried to talk to him because I felt lonely he blew up at me and said he was sick of how I had been behaving and how was either arrogant or ‘touchy feely’ around him. The year 12 camp was the next week, which was really hard because we were in the same cabin but he pretty much just ignored me. Eventually on the last day of the camp I cracked and asked to talk to him. I told him he was the best friend I’d ever had and I didn’t want to lose him, but then he said “things can’t ever really be the way they were between us again”. At that point I just went into complete numbness and began to just stand there crying in the cabin. He asked me to stop and how he could help but eventually gave up. Some other guys came into the cabin and noticed me and everyone sort of just ignored me and pretended I wasn’t there. I cried the hardest I’ve ever done in my life, and I continued for about 3 hours. I thought that I had lost him, and I knew there was really no reason to live anymore… A lot of people were worried about me… About a week after the camp, I turned up to his house and talked to him for about an hour. He told me he didn’t mean the things he said, and that he was sorry that he had overreacted and been angry at me. We were friends again, but he wouldn’t let me hug him. Soon afterwards he broke up with his girlfriend, and then pretty much shut himself off from everyone. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he doesn’t seem to want to discuss it.

But now he’s been talking to me less and less again, and I haven’t seen him outside of school for about two months. A few weeks ago I asked if he wanted to do something, but he just said no straight out, in a tone that kind of felt like he just didn’t want to see me. I’m beginning to feel that even though he told me that we were still ok, he still feels deep down that the friendship is over. I’m trying really hard to be close to him again, but school’s finishing soon and my time’s running out. Next year he plans to go straight to university while I take a gap year, so I won’t see him for ages after that. I don’t know what I can do, but I just want my best friend back.

So the summary of my problem is that I love him; he’s just so amazing. His personality and body are perfect and he’s the closest I’ve ever been to another person. But he’s shutting me off slowly and I know I can’t get by without him. Everything feels so empty when he’s gone. I know that I’m never going to find anyone else like him and if I lose this friendship I’ll probably go crazy. Please help me

 

Thank you for your support and advice

Next year I might be going on an exchange for a year, so I guess I'll be distanced for quite some time then. I'm just worried about how much I'm going to miss and crave him, considering how much I do now already
It's just so hard to believe that anyone else is out there