All my life so far, I've always been lonely. I'm shy. I take a lot to feel at ease with new people, I hate parties, discos, and other similiar situations where many people are involved. I used to think about sucide , but since about my 16th birthday I began to see things in a different way, and tried to focus on what I have rather than what I miss, and on all the things I've done that make me feel proud. This way, my life seemed much better; and I thought I had finally find the strenght to live serenely. Then, I met this guy, in March, one year ago. I had already had other boyfriends before (nothing serious, it was more about suffering than loving, and they didn't last more than one or two months each), and knowing how insecure I am, I tried to be really careful beacuse I didn't want things to get serious until I was sure of what I was doing. Finally, we fell in love with each other, in April, and our story lasted until the end of August. I can hardly describe how happy I was. After having finally gained consciousness of myself, and learning to love myself and appreciate my life, this wounderful boy came to complete me. We loved each other with all ourselves. Being next to him was like living another reality, kissing him was like travelling through heaven. I've always treated him like a prince, always been honest, kind, understanding. But during this summer, he began to be cold. His homophobic parents have always been cruel to him, and hiding our love was terribly stressing for him. Everyday he has to lie. But, as I said before, during the summer things got worse. He was always worried, nervous...sometimes he even got angry at me for the most stupid reasons. He never talked about his feelings, never told me what I could do for him, for us. He just stood there, silent, with me desperately trying to console him. And even when I wanted to make love, he refused me. This doesn't mean he didn't love me, I knew he loved me. He just felt weak (because of his parents, because of himself and other reasons). I tried anything to solve things, but nothing worked. And we finally broke up. At first, we decided to remain friends; after all we still love each other, I thought, I care about him and I want to be there for him, until the end. What happened then? He started to be really...lucky; as he met a new gay guy form his high school who introduced him to new friends, and he even met a gay man at the university he's going to study at, who wants to introduce him to boys of his age. I began to feel useless. Obsolete. I knew he doesn't need me anymore. And I didn't want to see his life getting so much better right after I left him. And yesterday I told him I don't want to see or talk to him anymore, although he begged me to stay. And after feeling guilty for having left him, after always caring about him and wanting only his happiness even after we broke up, I just end up returning alone as I'd always been, watching him disappear among those new people. Now not only I'm sad because I abandoned the only person who has ever loved me, the only one who has ever been happy to be with me. Now I'm I alone again. Hopeless. And I even feel a hypocrite, because although I'd always wished him the best and always told him I want him to be happy I now feel only envy and the grudge I hold against him. Maybe I deserved it, after all I was the one who left. Maybe I'm just meant to be sad and lonely...
Every situation can be fixed if sufficient effort is put into fixing it (if, of course, that is what you want to do). You sound like you really regret your decision to me so I'll go on that. Apologise and say you were stupid to have said that you didn't want to speak to him. He didn't want you to go. Remember that. He hasn't abandoned you, you just felt left out. Perhaps, in the event that you become friends with him again, you could try to do more activities with him to feel more involved. People don't have to have an immediate need for you for you to be a valuable friend. No one should have to be alone.
I can't go back to him. I miss him, but I want to demonstrate to myself that even if I'm lonely I'm not so desperate i need to beg a person who doesn't need me. And even if he told me he didn't want to lose me, I don't know if he was being honest...maybe he was just feeling guilty for the way he treated me, or he pities me...
The relationship has demonstrated that people can love you, and more importantly that you can love people back. So you are far ahead of where you were 2 years ago ? See how it changed you as a person? On the positive side there is much to be feeling good about - even if there are sad aspects too.
