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How to avoid a date (strange question, I guess)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Skyfy, Sep 21, 2013.

  1. Skyfy

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    Hey,
    an interesting topic for a first post, but I wonder if maybe other people had the same problem as I do and could give me some advice.

    So, I'm a guy but I'm not into girls. So far, so good. The problem is that sometimes, this leads to situations like this:

    I just started at a new university and during the typical "We are all new here, hey how are you, where are you from, let's be friends"-period I met people, one of them being this girl. She is really nice, we share many interests, the same kind of humour... You know, sometimes you meet people and you were just meant to be friends.
    The emphasis is on "friends": I really want to be friends with her. But just friends. I'm not into her, since I'm not into girls.

    The problem being that I think she's somehow into me. Over the last week we've been texting a lot which I would consider typical date-texting ("How was your day?" - "What are you doing right now") and we've had a great afternoon walk through the city and went to the movies the other day.
    And now I'm stuck in this situation where she thinks we're in a classic pre-dating situation although wer are not, really.

    Which brings me to my question: How can I tell her that I'm not interested without hurting her feelings? The honest way would be to say "Hey, so just to let you know, I'm not into girls. So I don't want you to think we're dating or anything. But I really want to be friends!". That would be honest but truth be told there are about four people in this world who know I'm into guys. I barely know her yet. Maybe in some months she would be a really good friend I would talk to about that. But right now?!

    The other option would be to tell her that "I just want to be friends" without mentioning the real reason. But then I feel bad because I guess it would hurt her feelings and she would ask herself questions like "I thought we have so much in common, how can he not feel that?" "Does he think I'm not attractive?" (Actually, as far as I can judge, she is really attractive, btw).

    Yeah, so somehow I'm stuck here. This hasn't been the first time this happened to me.

    It annoys me since when I just want to be friends with a guy I am just friends with him. No straight guy would expect a date when you suggest getting a beer or watching a movie - even if it's just the two of you.
    But if a guy asks a girl to go to the movies, it must be date. Welcome to our heteronormative world!

    Any advice on this? Anybody who's been in the same situation?
     
  2. method

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    This has happened to me once before, and I may be in the same situation right now with one other girl, so I totally feel you buddy!

    I'm also keen to keep tabs on any good advice that comes up in this thread.

    For me, I would say the 'most right' answer is to be honest. But I understand it's not an option for you now if you're not fully out, or comfortable without people finding out you were gay.

    So until that time comes what do you do? It's a hard one.

    P.S. welcome to the forums! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Gaycuteteen

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    Just say that u were put off dating for s
     
  4. Werbinich

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    Same happened to me a while ago....though I should say that being truthful is actually the only option if you really want to maintain your friendship...but to what extent?

    Sorry, but I think that being friends would actually suit us better.
    Sorry, but your really not my type. But I think being friends would be great.
    Sorry, but I'm not into girls. However, I value our friendship.

    Oh, and don't give her any false hope when you 'kindly-reject' her confession...if it comes...no matter if you need to come out or not because of that. False hope would be misleading and would lead to...a catastrophe.

    Though, if your not ready to come out to her, don't. You'll know when your ready and if your friendship prevailed, she would be knowing and supportive, I'm sure.

    Hugs, and Good Luck!
     
  5. Skyfy

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    Thanks for your advice, guys. It really helped!

    You are totally right: The worst thing would be not to take any action/let her have false hope. A catastrophe indeed. I've seen this happening to someone (in a situation where I was the "counselor") and it's the worst.

    New plan is: I try to get ourselves out of the "dating zone" by using regular techniques (haha, that sounds so scientific). In some months, when we've been knowing each other for a while, I might just tell her: "You know, back then I said you weren't my type. But honestly, girls generally aren't my type".
    In retrospect, she'll understand the situation better and - if she really is a friend - also understands that I didn't want to tell her the whole truth just seven days after we met for the first time.
     
  6. Californiacoast

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    When I meet women and strike up friendships, I usually make conversation eventually sway toward something like, "oh he reminds me of a guy I used to date", or "playing football and being gay in Mississippi wasn't easy, lol". I just work it into conversation without it being about her and let her get on board. Usually there is delight involved. "oh I have a friend to go to the gay bars with now, lol!"