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The first relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by whalerider, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. whalerider

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    Me and my boyfriend are in monogamous relationship from 6 months now. He is not open about his private life to anyone, except me and generally he is not ok with this sexuality, although he is older than me (we are both in late twenties). He is my first partner, but I had few dates (just coffee + movie, like that) before him. He had few boyfriends before me. What troubles me is that he is trying to keep me on distance. Recently I asked if he would want to live in my apartment for at least short time, and he said that he is not ready and will not be ready in nearest future. We are living in different parts of city and that makes visiting very time-taking and expensive. He says he is afraid that his family will start to look for him and ask questions. I know that its hard for him cause his mother is crazy about his marriage and grandchildren.. lol, but I feel that time we have together is not enough for me. I started to feel my feeling withering for him, cause out relationship don't fullfil my desires.. same time I feel guilty that I maybe hurrying too much... Anyway, some insight from the side would be appreciated. Thanks.
     
  2. Californiacoast

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    Relationships are awesome, but take work. The first three months are all chemicals and a high. Sounds like you guys are in the negotiating phase as you decide what's next and what you need and want to give. My advice is to keep the communication steady and flowing. It can be make or break time. Tell him how you feel...you have that right. be willing to compromise, but keep talking.
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Relationships with someone who is closeted are difficult as it is, I can't imagine how much more difficult it must be in your country.

    Do you know of any such successful gay relationships in your own community?
     
  4. whalerider

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    I'm trying to keep it slow, but recently I found myself feeling sad because we don't spend enough time together. We had more than one discussions about our relationship in future, but BF kept answering "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" on most of my questions... I can feel that he is in big dilemma about even if he CAN be in same-sex relationship. Also he's saying that he is bisexual and that his "hetero" side makes him want to have a "normal family" from time to time. I don't really feel offended by that (should I be?), cause I want to accept all his desires.
    Not to forget about social situation... it bothers both me and BF... but he seems to be under bigger pressure then me.

    First of all - there is NO community) I don't even have a single LGBT friend... I know some from local LGBT center but we didn't put up well. My BF is quite negative towards anything related to LGBT and he don't have gay or bi friends too or at least he didn't tell me about them.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    He is definitely reluctant to pursue anything more with you. It is sad, for both of you...how long are you willing to tolerate this?

    I was afraid of your reply concerning other LGBT people, and not knowing other gay friends makes it more difficult. How did you meet him?
     
  6. whalerider

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    I would not say he is reluctant to pursue deeper relationship, I just know that he can't (or don't want) to decide what to do about it. I really don't understand it yet, because each time I'm trying to talk to him about it he closes up, saying that I'm "violeting" him. I know that I don't want to push him, but unsaid words and feelings are straining me.

    I know other gay people, quite alot actually, cause I've been visiting LGBT center for nearly a year. I just didn't meet anyone to want to be friends with.

    I met my boyfriend on gay dating site... quite trivial)
     
  7. LILuke

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    Sounds like he thinks things are moving a little fast and is trying to slow down. Talk to him, ask him if there's something he wants to talk to you about, if he's happy with the pace of things. Keeping the lines of communication open is the most important thing in any relationship.

    I wish you both the best of luck! :grin:
     
  8. whalerider

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    My boyfriend decided to talk to me after we couldn't meet for few days. The conversation was emotionally hard, i should say... Anyway, his main concern is that, althought he enjoys being with me and he got feelings for me, he always feels not comfortable with our relationship in general because he can't decide about his identity and he can't feel free due to social reasons. He told that in last months his friends were saying that he looks very sad. Funny thing is that my friends and others were saying quite the opposite to me - that I look happier, more confident and such. He also said that he can't do any "coming-outs" now or in nearest future because all his social life is holding on his "heterosexuality legend".
    For my part I said again that I want to move on next level, that I want to be together for more then one evening in few days. And he said that he can't live with me cause of his "legend".
    Its so weird and hurtful cause he was so emotional and gentle during this conversation. He wanted to stay for a night, but I asked him to go home, cause I felt strange after all we said. He said that I'm best thing happened in his private life. It made me ask myself: if he wants to be with me so much, why he is clinging to his old stereotypes so stoically? We both are in same life situations basically, I got things to loose to, but relationship with him is my biggest priority... I believe that many things can be changed if you are truly care for someone. I still can't understand his intentions...
     
  9. whalerider

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    I'm getting used to the thought that I have to break up with my BF, because I can't help but feel dissapointed and sad about our relationship after all the things that was said in recent days. Somehow my feelings for him changed so fast, that I can't even recall how it happened. I don't feel for him as I did like 2 weeks ago... it's so strange. As this was my first relationship, its gonna be my first break up too. I feel so nervous and tensed. I've having symptoms of depression that I fought for many years reccuring now. But I can feel that I'm worrying for him more than for myself, I keep on thinking that by denying himself he is destroying his ways to happiness. Unfortunately I don't have someone suitable to talk about it... so if anyone would have something to say that would be great.
     
  10. resu

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    Just remember this is not your last relationship, and the next one will be better because you have grown in experience. It sounds like the main problem is that you and your boyfriend were in different stages of acceptance of your sexualities. Really this break up is his loss, not yours, which is why your friends think you seem happier and confident. Maybe he will come around, but you can't keep waiting forever.
     
  11. whalerider

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    Yeah, so I broke up with him few weeks ago and I actually feel better now. I think it was right thing to do. But I worry about my ex... he is destroying himself by denying. Funny thing is that after we met for the first time after break up he tried to behave like nothing happened, suddenly he was so flirty and such.. I even had to push him away when he tried to kiss me. Since that I didn't really want to see him much...
     
  12. greatwhale

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    Hey whalerider,

    Nice to hear from you again! Yes the dating life is not easy, but you did the right thing; how could you continue under such circumstances? When one partner is out and the other isn't, it's not a recipe for success, generally.

    You are feeling better and that's good, you simply can't carry his burden for him. It's also good you turned him away, he obviously doesn't take gay relationships seriously, which I think was part of the problem to begin with.

    I wish you all the best in that difficult country (for gays, at least) and that you find someone to love who is as open about his sexuality as you are.
     
  13. whalerider

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    Thanks.