I have been with my partner for over ten years and recently came to the realization that I am not in love with him and am not sure that I ever have been..... I love him and care about him but I am not happy. This came to me earlier this year when I was listening to the ruling of DOMA being overturned, when this happened my first thought was 'we can get married finally' the next thing that I thought was 'he is my best friend, i'm not in love with him.' I have struggled secretly with bisexuality for several years now (I publicly identify as gay) and since all of this has happened I find myself fantasizing about women all the time, these fantasies are not just sexual, I find myself imagining a life with a woman, having children etc. I am no longer happy in my relationship and find myself getting really irritated with him when we spend a lot of time together (weekends, days off, etc). He has brought up taking a vacation and getting married next year and I have gone along with the idea because I don't want to rock the boat. I don't know what I want to do, my biggest fear is that if I do leave he will hurt himself. He has told me about a relationship he was in before we met where his boyfriend left him in a similar situation and he attempted to overdose on sleeping pills and ended up sleeping for 2 days straight. I am in the biggest dilemma and have no clue how to handle myself.
This is a tough situation, on the other hand, you can't be held hostage to a potential suicide. Clearly the relationship will need to end, you don't love him and misery is not a way to live. On the other hand, you have spent 10 years together, this isn't nothing and needs to be honoured. Why not go to couple's counseling and lay it all out before your partner and the counselor? Do it singly and in couples so that you can be completely honest. I think the counselor can help you to separate in a way that is as healthy as possible for both of you. My understanding is that most counsellors will start with the premise that you are not obligated in any way to stay together if it is discovered during your sessions that you would be better off apart.
If you're not happy you need to do something about it. Its not fair on either of you. What... I have no idea... it sounds like a difficult situation... but there is no point in acting like all is well if it isn't. It never ends well. Trust me. good luck!
Thanks, I have thought about counseling in the past but not recently until you brought it up. I do know that he has noticed me being a little distant lately, but he thinks it has been because of his depression stemming from employment struggles. I have been having a really difficult time with this because we have been together so long that our friends are so blended I don't feel like I have anyone that I can trust. ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2013 at 12:41 PM ---------- I agree, the part of this that makes this more screwed up is that it has never been a turbulent relationship. In all the years we have been together we rarely argue and have never had what I would consider a fight.. There is the bad part of me that says turn into an asshole and start fights over stupid shit, but I know that is one of the worst things that I could do.
I wouldn't recommend doing that. You obviously still really care for him, otherwise it wouldn't bother you so much. And you would probs end up really regretting that. Unfortunately... I think the only way forward could be talking to him... which will obviously be really difficult. .. but will hopefully mean you are both better off in the long run. Whatever the outcome.
The next step for me will be to come clean with my feelings. I don't know when this will happen, but just voicing my 'inner demons' here is helping me cope with the wait for one of the other struggles of life to be resolved.
