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Throwing a bottle of emotions in the ocean, hoping they'll be lost forever

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by NouvelleVague, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. NouvelleVague

    Full Member

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    Hello :slight_smile:

    So, to make a story short (not really…), I have come out to a handful of people (Close friends) as bisexual a few months ago. I know - and knew already, but couldn't face it for that I had a boyfriend before, it seemed like the best Wikipedia definition (No really, I googled a lot x_x) - I was just into girls in the end.
    But.

    Bisexual sounded like the most normal explanation.
    Like, labels really suck x_x But I had to ease the facts, even for myself.

    I had this huge crush on this friend, well and I mean, when I came out, I also told her about it. But I had to like, ... Well, 'correct the reality' if you see what I mean ?

    I told her it wasn't because of her that I broke up with the boyfriend - but deep down, I knew it was. I just didn't wan't to make it awkward for her, specially that she's friend with my ex. x_x Argh, it's so complicatedly annoying ... I loved her - still do. But I said I just felt a strong connection with her, that it wasn't really anything sexual, not even something cloe to love, bladiblah. She didn't know what to do already, poor girl, so I told her to carry on like nothing was different because I didn't want to be treated another way.

    So she invited me over anyways, 'cause she was going away for 1,5 month, and we were gonna see each other. On that night, we talked, and of course she asked more about my feelings - how I knew I was bi, and whether I had already ever fallen in love with girls, and if I had fantasies, about her, and others etc. No, really, 'twas embarassing. I felt like a freak, I told her, but she was nice, anyways, she said she just wanted to understand. She was honest, and I said I was sorry. I said it'd go away, I promised I'd make the feelings go away.
    I knew she didn't mean bad, it just came out like this, and I'm a really fickle individual, so you know. She apologized, etc.
    No, really, we had one of those good times that just made me fall for her even more.
    When I left her place, I knew I was going to have to do something to 'fix it', for her sake at least - and for my sanity (She's straight and has been in a serious relationship for almost 3 years)

    But the feelings, hm...They don't.
    I'm good at holding my feelings, as long as I can talk them out to others. I litteraly talk them out of myself for a while, and then no more pressure… For a while, then I talk a bit more. Hm… Problem : She used to be one of these people I talk things out with.

    But.
    The others I've told about it either are ignoring the facts, and plainly change the subject, either don't even mention it, or even reject me (I had to face a really harsh one not long ago along these lines : "You should be grateful that I accepted you, because I know a lot of my friends would've been afraid". Ouch.)

    It is unfair.
    It is unfair, for that I am, cert not the nicest person on Earth, far from that, but I am one of the most accepting and reliable person around. And I can't have that simple and open acceptance from any of them.

    It's frustrating, it's just making me antisocial again, I just want to run away and isolate myself. I feel betrayed, somehow, certainly my heart is dying, I feel rejected and so much guilt, I have this enormous maelstrom of feelings raging inside that I can't seem to calm down, I'm afraid I'm gonna have some kind of mental breakdown at some point.
    I often thought about writing a blog article. To make a public statement, a houstout to the world, a big 'fuck off' I'm gonna sto pcaring about what you want me to be. A bit 'here's who I am' and a bit more of 'I do not care anymore about how you're gonna feel about this' and a bit more of 'This is me. Accept it.'. See, the shoutout, the big one that'll just help me take the jump.

    So yeah, here I am. Writing them on my computer, and sharing them with you as if I was throwing a bottle away in the ocean, hoping that it will carry my feelings away, far away…
     
    #1 NouvelleVague, Sep 22, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2013