Hello all! This is the first time I've ever been on this sight or posted to a forum. I'm at my wit's end here with my life and I think writing my thoughts down for others to read may help me figure something out. I'm 19 currently. I've known I was gay since I was 14. I had never thought about my sexuality until one of my friends told me he liked me my sophomore year of highschool and I really did not know how to handle it. I'm from a conservative, Christian family and community. I've been raised in church and I attended a private school before attending a public highschool. This all "sheltered" me from ever thinking about my sexuality honestly. I've been taught my whole life that homosexuality is a sin and when I discovered myself, I was extremely conflicted. I avoided my friend because I was scared and told him I was completely straight. I tried dealing with my "problem" by myself for months and slowly sunk deeper into depression. After 2 months I found myself taking random pills from my medicine cabinet hoping to just OD sometime. This never worked (probably because I didn't really want to kill myself) so I tried to freeze myself outside late at night but I chickened out and only got frostbite. I was a complete wreck and one of my teacher's noticed that something had changed within me. My friends always asked if I was okay but I always just said yes and they left it alone. My teacher took me out of class and asked me what was going on. In her class she had made it clear that she is a LGBT supporter and has had students come out to her in the past. She was the first person I ever trusted with my doubt. I told her I was gay but I wasn't sure what to do and she really helped guide me through my guilt. I stopped attending my church that bashed gays, separated myself from situations where I was pressured into "being straight" (parties), and started talking to my teacher more. That was 3 years ago and I'm much more secure with myself now. I still have doubts as to what's right but all I know is who I love and that no amount of prayer will change me. I prayed for months just hoping God would magically turn me straight and came to the realization that maybe I was meant to be different. I met a guy I liked (Cody) and found out from one of his friends that he was gay. I slept over at his house one night and I forget how it happened but we ended up cuddling and saying how much we both liked the other. We dated for a few weeks until one of the few openly gay guys at my school found out we were dating (I still don't know how). He had liked me for awhile but I never felt the same way, so he blackmailed my boyfriend. He told him to completely cut me off and never speak to me again otherwise he would out both of us. It tore me apart for a few months but I learned to get over him and unfortunately gained some resentment for him. He didn't talk to me to tell me this until after the blackmailer had graduated and left the state. It was 9 months later and I couldn't just forgive him and pick back up where we left off. That's in the past.. Fast forward to my senior year. I have a huge crush on a football player at my school (Ryan) but didn't know him yet. I talked to him a bit after school and we worked out together a few times, but I never got the gall to ask if he wanted to hang out on the weekend. 5 months pass and my birthday rolls around. He ends up messaging me on Facebook asking if he could come to my party! This made my whole year of course. :icon_bigg We became great friends that night and I got a vibe from him that maybe he would be open to becoming more later on. However, he is the most confusing man I've ever met. He talks about girls constantly, has had sex with many girls and absolutely loves their bodies. But at the same time, he is not homophobic by any means. Most sports have a degree of homoerotism naturally. The locker room, pat on the butt for a good game, bunk buddies for trips, etc.. He always seemed to take it a step farther and really had no bounds with guys even though he loved girls. This being the end of my senior year, I ended up partying a lot with my friends. This is where it got really confusing for me. (Go figure, alcohol and sexual frustration) He would always want to cuddle with me when he was drunk and he didn't mind me rubbing his stomach. This happened on many different occasions and one night I noticed he had a boner. I was extremely nervous but he didn't stop me from playing around. However, he never would touch me back which made me feel like a rapist honestly. We wouldn't discuss it ever or even hint at it but people did start to tell us we had a "bromance" since we would always cuddle (Even around groups of friends). Fast forward again, I've graduated highschool and I'm leaving the state in a few days. Ryan tells me we have to have an epic party before I go. He specifically said "one where we both don't remember anything". I don't know why he would say this while being completely sober unless he had some sort of attraction towards me. So we drank shots all night with friends until the passed out and then we stumbled up to his room. We were both pretty drunk and he wanted a backrub so he took his shirt off and put on a movie. I forget why he started saying it but he started saying I wouldn't do anything because "it would be too weird". I told him I'm not a pussy and wouldn't back out. He always tries to call me out on everything, so he pulled his shorts down (while I was rubbing his back) and told me I wouldn't do it. I figured, I leave in 2 days and I probably won't ever have this chance again. I tried to call him out and said "you wouldn't get a condom". So he went down stairs and came back up with one and handed it to me then pulled his shorts off and laid back down. Now I was just freaking out because I didn't know if he was serious. Fun story short, I did end up doing it and we passed out naked together. Now I woke up shortly before he did the next morning and sat there naked next to him on my phone. When he woke up, he looked startled and didn't say anything to me. He just grabbed his shorts, went down stairs and took a shower. I got dressed and waited around but he wouldn't talk to me so I left. He texted me later that night and asked what happened the night before. He still claims to this day that he doesn't remember anything so I told him I don't remember either. So I left the next day, very confused about my best friend because I had developed strong feelings for him over the past year. I knew I loved him and thought it would go away since I would be gone for 9 months. Fast forward 9 months. We texted/ called every so often while I was gone and he always told me he missed me and couldn't wait until I was back home. The night I get home, Ryan and a bunch of my friends pick me up from the airport. We all went back to my house to catch up and watch movies. Later that night it was just me, Ryan and two other friends. They fell asleep out on the couch and we were in my bed cuddling again. Already. The first night I was back. Lots of thought were running through my head. "Why did he miss me so much?" "Does he love me too?" "Why are we cuddling?" "Should I tell him how I feel?" I couldn't sleep and I was just rubbing his stomach all night. He woke up and sort of nudged me so I reached down and started to rub him off. He asked me what I was doing and I just said I didn't know. I stopped and it was awkward until I fell asleep. The next day texted me asking what last night was about. Now by this time, I was tired of playing games. I wanted answers. This was only about 7 months ago. I told him that I wasn't sure anymore what I wanted. He asked if I was gay and I kept telling him "I don't know". He has a gay brother and is supportive so I know I could trust him but I didn't want to tell him and hear him say he was there for me but didn't like me like that. He said I could always talk to him but we dropped the subject after that. Fast forward again, mid summer of '13. We've been hanging out again regularly. He's graduated highscool and all of us are back to partying. We went out camping without anyone's parents. It was about 12 of us kids just partying back in the woods. Ryan had me walk down to the river with him, away from the group so we could talk. He asked me about that night again and told me straight out "You can tell me if you're bi or gay. It doesn't bother me man". I still hate saying the words "I'm gay".. I don't know why I'm just not comfortable with it. So again I said "I don't know" but he didn't want to hear that. He told me I was at least bicurious and this made me mad, I asked "What does that make you?". He told me he doesn't like guys but he also doesn't mind messing around when he's horny. That still makes no sense to me but it was a better reaction then I was expecting so I just went with it. He said maybe later that night he could show me in our tent. Nothing did happen that night, but later in the month we messed around (again drunk) at my house. Now this time he actually did something back to me and it was mutual enjoyment. The next day he tells me that he's glad we did what we did and that it will bring us closer together as friends but that he didn't enjoy it at all. I still have the text saved.. He's so confusing to me and I just want to get over him! He had to leave for college a few months ago but before he left he threw a party with just a few of us close friends. Again, we ended up being alone. We were walking down a road and he told me that he loved me and that I'm his best friend. I told him I loved him but more than just a friend. I can tell it caught him off guard and he asked what I meant. I said "Well at first I loved you as my best friend. Then I fell IN love with my best friend". He told me he doesn't feel the same way about me (which sucked hearing) but he still never wants to lose me. I can accept that I guess! It went well because we are still best friends, right? Well later in the week he tells me (while completely sober) that he wasn't sure if he was gay for me or not. We had made out while drunk in front of friends and people told him we were gay for each other. Apparently it made him confused and so he had just wanted to experiment with me but he still loves girls. :bang: I'm so lost here. I was hoping I would lose all my emotions for him after he left for college. Nope! Now he calls me and tells me how much he misses me and loves me. Drunk or sober. Yet he's got a girlfriend now and is clearly interested in women. I don't want to be anyone's second option. I can't be in a happy, monogamous relationship with someone who can't give up girls for me. I don't know what I should do anymore. I've basically run out of options and people to talk to. I'm out to two of my closest girl friends and talk to them regularly about which guys we think are hot. I know other people suspect me of being gay but I have told many people. I just can't hold any real conversation about how I really feel anymore though. I don't trust people and I'm not in a situation stable enough (financial) to come out to my family. I don't think that would even make me happy anymore. It seems like all I do is work, school, workout, sleep. I'm not very happy anymore but I'm very good at faking it because it's worked for so many years. However, it's not healthy to live your whole life as a lie. :help: I guess the advice I need would be on the following subjects: How should I get over my best friend? How can I try to meet someone new at my college? Does coming out actually make you happier? Sorry this was so long, I've just got a lot on my mind and no one to talk to.
Before we get to the advice, I'd like to compliment you on how honest you are about the whole situation. Anyways let's continue... Let me start with the coming out. Yes, it actually does make you happier. At first, you will feel very unsure and uncomfortable with a lot of people knowing, but at the end of the day, those who really do care for you will stay by your side, but don't come out to your parents just yet. Wait until you're out your own, and when you're ready, that's when you tell them. Now, getting someone in college is way easier, believe me. Even though I'm still a senior, I've been hearing a lot of people say that college is way more accepting and open, so I'm really looking forward to it. Lastly, getting over your friend...now that's the difficult part. I'm getting over someone right now, and it is definitely not easy, and I never even had any of the encounters you had. It seems as though he did start to question his sexuality because of you, and you should be there for him at all costs. Who knows? Within a few months he might actually realize he likes dudes as well. I think time will really be the answer here. Time answers so many questions, and at the end of the day, you will find someone who is meant for you. Whether that's him or someone you've never met yet, you will find the right one. Good luck
Can't give any advice for your first question unfortunately. Meeting people in college is definitely much easier! And coming out made me happier, because being able to be honest with others makes me feel happy. Even though it's made things more complicated, the liberation I feel has made me happier overall. By the way, your teacher is awesome! What a cool lady.
That was A LOT to read but I'm glad I did. It was a story so far outside of my experience, it was really refreshing. I think that first and foremost you should be proud to have a friend who is so supportive. So many people would kill to be anywhere near your position. What you have treads a fine line between bromance, romance, and sexual promiscuity. If you were looking to embarrass him, you might ask whether or not his girlfriend knows about what he's done with you. That he admits to what happened between you two is a refreshing turn of events. All too often, straight guys (even "straight" guys) refuse to admit to the moments they shared with a guy. I don't think you should get over him. I think you should change your perspective on the incredible fortune you've had. Millions of guys would do anything to have a friend like you have, and it seems your friend is absolutely comfortable and happy being your friend and sharing a special connection with you. Ultimately, that connection is what's important. Don't call it romance. Appreciate it like it IS romance. There are always clubs and events at college for meeting people. There might be a GSA you could join, and you never know who you'll meet. Otherwise, join a dating site. There are some good pieces of advice laying around on how to get the most out of a dating site. Basically, be really honest on your profile, include some flaws, talk to lots of people, say hello to people when you have anything in common. Ask lots of questions and remember names and details. Coming out is a different experience for everyone. It's not a race. You're obviously becoming or already comfortable with your sexuality, and that's all that really matters. The only person you absolutely have to come out to is yourself. After that, anybody else is a bonus. It will probably A) make it easier to meet guys and B) make you feel more comfortable and confident in your interactions with guys, but that's my guess. Keep us informed on any developments with the friend!
A little like my scenario, but mine is much less exciting and compelling. I am almost in the same situation so I won't describe my part too much. But since he 'Vic' is my first crush so experience from my counselor told me it would be nearly impossible to get over a first crush...so yeah, first you might not be able to get over with it and actually I guess that you should hold on to it for some more time since Ryan obviously isn't giving you false hopes but he does have feelings for you. Second, meeting other people while your brain is still occupied by another guy wouldn't help much, trust me, I've tried to hit on other guys while I'm still not over Vic and my head is giving me a headache, but eventually, the crush would fade if the receiving end doesn't respond anymore to the crush, that is when you'd meet your next target. Last but not least, I always feel happy when I come out to those that I could trust and know that they are knowing and supportive. They are your true best friends and those whose mutual friendship you would like to maintain throughout lifetime. Hugs, Good Luck and keep us informed!
