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Mourning lost years...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by InLove, Sep 23, 2013.

  1. InLove

    Regular Member

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    My girlfriend and I have been best friends for ten years, and together for three years next month. In this time we have always lived at least 100 miles away from each other. She is out to her family, at work, and to everyone she knows. I am not, until Friday I had never told another person and have struggled so hard with the idea of anyone knowing.

    In the past few weeks I've begun to realise how keeping this secret has affected me and all my relationships. My girlfriend has been so patient and understanding with me, never complaining even when I know it hurts that I won't tell people about us being together. I suspect my family has guessed but isn't saying anything because I haven't, and because I haven't I can't discuss such important things with them.

    And I'm realising that, where I used to have a bustling group of friends, I've become isolated. I've forgotten how to socialise. I feel secretive and blocked even (or especially) around people I used to be close to because I can't talk about what's going on with me. How can I feel anything else when I'm in a three year long relationship and for all they know I'm single and have never been in any kind of relationship at all?

    Last week I moved in with my love and her family while we househunt for a place of our own. Being in a house where we're officially couple has been such a change. Not having to suddenly drop her hand or step away from her when someone walks in is so lovely, as is just curling up in front of the TV in her arms and not worrying about who else is about.

    On Friday I was outed to my boss by a complete stranger (more about that here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/109616-whirlwind-outing-unexpected-say-least.html), the first two people I have ever told, and they were so ridiculously positive and supportive that suddenly the idea of telling people is something to be nervous but excited about rather than terrified of. On the way home from that meeting on Friday I nearly told the woman in the West Cornish Pasty kiosk at the train station, just because I could!

    Last night my girlfriend and I happily discussed a future with kids, because for the first time she could raise the subject without me looking like a rabbit in the headlights.

    I'm excited.

    But at the same time as I'm seeing the future opening up, I feel more and more aware of all the friendships and relationships I've lost or damaged over the past few years because I couldn't be honest with myself or them. I feel like I've been emotionally frozen for three years, and now that I'm finally thawing out I'm standing here dazed, surveying the damage and asking myself, "What happened?!"

    I suddenly miss some of my old friends so much it aches, and I worry in case I've missed out on things I'll never get another chance at. I don't know what those things might be, but how would I know if I've missed them?

    I'm feeling positive, and even this mourning process is positive because it means I'm becoming aware again. But now I have to work how to go about damage control, and how to learn from this and build the bright and shining life that I want, surrounded by people I love.

    (&&&)
     
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

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    Out to everyone
    I can tell you that after 20 years of hard marriage, 20 years during which I was too busy or too enmeshed in her life to maintain my friendships, I am eternally grateful to have discovered in the past few months that my friends were always there for me, always ready to take up the thread that I had let go so long ago and to continue our friendship. Sure, our faces are more lined, our kids are now adolescents or young adults, there are new people surrounding us, but our friendship endures.

    It's never too late, the things that made them friends in the first place, for the most part, always remain, and are even deeper.
     
  3. InLove

    Regular Member

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    Thank you, I think that's what I needed to hear. (*hug*)

    I'm going to try not to think about the past and might-have-beens, and instead look around me and do what I can to re-bridge the divides and patch things up where I can.