So my bf and I had a pretty big fight over my mother today. She's in town visiting for a few days and I'm spending time with her and I still haven't told that I've had a boyfriend since February. Telling her that wouldn't go over well, granted a girlfriend probably wouldn't be well received either, and I'm completely financially dependent on my parents. I grew up in a pretty abusive household and I always tried to not rock the boat and telling her about him would be more like capsizing it. He knew coming into this relationship that my parents were abusive, homophobic and that I might not tell them. He said he can't count on me to be there for him since I can't freely talk to him when I'm at home and that it is damaging to his mental health. He says he hates sneaking around. WTF?!?! My parents live 500 miles away from us, they're not around. He is kinda clingy and I told him even if she knew I can't be there for 24/7. He then said "Well I'll just be completely independent from you since I can't count on you." I don't want him to be completely independent, but he also can't be completely dependent one me. He said if I didn't tell her by the end of the year, he was going to break up with me. I told him there are people I consider more my family than my parents, mainly my godmother and one of my cousins, both of whom know about him and he's met my cousin. Honestly the main reason I still do what my parents want is that I need their money, horrible I know, but I do what I have to survive and get through college. I'm also really pissed he told me this right before my mother came since he knows her visits stress me the :***: out and that I've been relapsing into depression. And he just added to my stress. Telling my mom about him when I'm depressed is not good for my mental health. I told him I don't like not being able to talk to him when I'm around her, but I have to watch out for myself and times and do what needs to be done even if I hate it. He just kinda blew me off after that. It really sucks cuz I love him and really care about him, but idk if it's a good idea to stay together anymore.
If he can't respect your personal needs, he's not worth your time. Obviously, you need the financial support from your parents to get through college and make the future you want. Don't let him hold you back from that. It doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship. You deserve to be happy, whether that includes him in your life or not. I wish you the best of luck.
I agree with Etak; it seems to me like you've poured out your heart to him and he's being very close-minded and selfish.
It is crucial for any and everyone who enters into a relationship to be able to be completely mentally independent from their partners. Clearly, we are going to be romantically dependent on our partners as emotion is the reason why we are with them, but our mental stability most always lie within ourselves. "He said he can't count on me to be there for him since I can't freely talk to him when I'm at home and that it is damaging to his mental health." This line is extremely disconcerting and, thinking back to your previous thread about him, it seems that he has become very unhealthily dependent on you and your relationship. From what you have described needs to do a plethora of inner-building and growth before he is ready for a serious relationship and I don't want you to fall into the nutshell of 'being there for his stability', because in the end it won't help either of you. For one, this "ultimatum" needs to be put to rest now. I literally physically cringe every time I hear of people in relationships given one another "ultimatums"; there is nothing more manipulative. If your partner is doing something that is worthy of ending it for you and they aren't will to change it, then leave. If how your partner is isn't how you wish them to be, leave. Period. The idea of do what I say, when I say it, or I'm leaving is absolutely ridiculous and truthfully quite narcissistic. He needs to know, flat out, that if he is going to leave you for something as simple as this, he can make his now and save both of you from more heartache and time. And I would like to point out that your reasoning is completely valid. I think his maturity came into question in that last thread you posted, but you security is always of the greatest importance. Being out to your parents at this immediate moment, especially when they aren't really in your life, is not worth jeopardizing your education. Especially not simply because he 'ordered' it.
I second Gen, particularly the last paragraph. At the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself - and if you can't do that, then it's not a healthy relationship in the first place. However, it sounds like the ultimatum and everything leading up to it was more or less part of a fight, so I have a couple thoughts. First, don't make any decisions now, certainly not while your mom is in town - and he may need some time to cool off after the fight anyway, so there's that too. Secondly, once some time has passed, you're back to having your own space, and you two can have a calmer discussion, ask him if he meant it. If he really did, then to be honest, it sounds like you know what you want to do. But if he can approach the issue from a different perspective once the heat of the moment is over, perhaps you two can come to a better understanding.
This is a complicated situation and I don't think it's cut-and-dried. You clearly disclosed to him that you might not tell your parents, and that they were abusive, and you have to play along due to financial dependence, so he knew what he was getting into. For a relationship that's been going on for over 6 months, though, it's a challenge to ask anyone to be comfortable with a partner who's closeted, even partially. The problem is, your boyfriend basically feels "invisible" to people that are important to you, and that ultimately affects his self esteem. Even if he agreed to it, unless he's been in another relationship with another closeted person... he didn't really know what he was signing up for. That's partially his fault, and partially yours. On the other hand, if he's not being sensitive to your concerns and trying to understand your viewpoint, that's not fair to you either. And if he's clingy and overly reliant on you instead of being self-reliant, that definitely isn't healthy. As far as the actual deadline, I see this not so much as an ultimatum as setting clear boundaries for himself. He's saying, in essence, that it doesn't work for him to be in a relationship with someone who's closeted, and he's giving you a fairly reasonable amount of time (though 6 months would be more reasonable) to think about it and address it. Having had friends in his position, and seeing how deeply it affects the self-esteem of even someone who is pretty healthy in that regard... I can understand why he's taking that position. Yes, you may have others who are more important to you, but the impact to him of your not telling your parents is what's causing his stress. And honestly, if he were posting here and not you, I probably would suggest that he discuss reasonable boundaries and a timeline to solve the problem, after which you'd mutually agree that it isn't working. And at the same time... I see your predicament as well. Your parents are very controlling and hold their purse strings over your head, so you're wise to choose your battles with them. But at the end of the day, the cost of that choice is going to be that you're going to have a really difficult time finding anyone who is emotionally healthy who will agree to be in a relationship with someone who is closeted, because nobody who's healthy wants to be invisible to people that are important in their partner's life. So you have to either find someone who is enormously patient and willing to wait it out until you are no longer reliant on your parents (and even that is no guarantee if they haven't been through the situation before)... or someone who is clingy and insecure and will put up with that because they don't feel like they deserve better... or be single. It might sound harsh, and it isn't intended to be. The part that sucks is you're in this no-good-solution situation because your parents are judgmental and controlling and difficult to deal with... and you're stuck with it because you can't yet be financially independent. I wish there was a better answer, but I don't think there is.
I disagree with Chip. Jared isn't really closeted, his parents and really everyone already knows he is gay. His mother just hates gay people. Plus, like jared said, his mom wouldn't like a girlfriend either. Jared is 500 miles away from them and only relies on them for.financial support. His boyfriend is.certainly not invisible and is just being unreasonable. His bf needs a.swift kick in the ass and then needs to grow up.
So ultimatums in a relationship are usually childish and dramatic and a problem by themselves. It puts you in a no win situation, if you give in when you know you shouldn't, that's you saying to someone that would put an ultimatum like this down to begin with that they work. And if you hold your ground, then your partner feels pressure to follow through on their threat so you'll take them seriously in the future. I know you've explained about your mom, and he just wouldn't listen. So that's just not going to go anywhere. Maybe ask him how he'll support you both if your mom cuts you off? It's really easy to give out Peter Pan advice and stay on your high horse when you have no responsibility. That's what usually does the trick I've found in my own relationship. Just quit being a hero and taking all the responsibility onto your shoulders. He wants to be out to your mom? Great! Heck it would be great if you didn't need her any more. You could both be cheeky and invite her to your wedding! If, that is, he had a job that could support both of you. So if he wants to be out to your mom, he can put in some of his own sweat and tears to make it happen. And you're obviously smart enough not to fall for the "don't worry things will work out" line that'll probably come if you try to shift things back onto him, am I wrong? It's good if that does happen, because there's a chance he'll see how immature he's being if he does. And if not, you can mention that that doesn't sound like he's thought things through very much. You on the other hand have a good plan that comes from your head instead of your heart. You're going to have a college degree, and eventually a little bit of independence, and THEN you can burn that bridge. You know, after you've crossed to the other side of the ravine. I mean it's really a shitty thing to do to use a break-up like this in a relationship because what you're really saying is "I don't need you and you need me". Which is kind of bullshit and backwards if you really look at things. I really hope he doesn't follow through But if he does I would expect him back on your doorstep before too long. He needs you more than you need him is the way it looks from this side of the computer screen. But yeah lots of good advice from people, at the very least I would just let him know that the ultimatum itself is a problem and something you don't appreciate, and let him know how it made you feel when he did that. Because if there's something else I've learned when someone goes "all in" like your boyfriend did, it's that they aren't thinking about the future at all or the consequences of their actions when they do. And this does at the very least change things between you too :| If you do need to set boundaries in the future, you should be honest with each other. Just, you can set a boundary without using a threat to back it up, right? Because you're mature grown ups that love each other.
Well I think he should understand your situation. It's not hard coming out to parent, I haven't came out to them either. My boyfriend knows I can't tell my parents yet. I told everyone led that in was gay, just for him and he was happy with that. I try to not make him feel invisible by holding his hand in public, maybe you should too. Fight for love, because honestly, love is really worth the fight.
Honestly, if you think your parents would cut you off if you told them about your boyfriend, I wouldn’t tell them then. At this point of your life, education should be more important than love. I know it sucks and hurts a lot, but you have to think about your future. I would explain this to your boyfriend and if he doesn’t listen let him go. If he doesn’t understand the fact that your parents would cut you off if you told them about your relationship, in my opinion, it wouldn’t be worthwhile dating that person. It would totally different if you completely financial independent of your parents, but you aren’t.
Yeah, I'm not upset with him wanting my mom to know about him, but more the fact that he demanded it. If he thinks he can demand me to do things, he is insane. And I agree that is too dependent on me for his mental stability, it's not healthy, and it's honestly driving me to a point where I don't care so much about his mental health since he's kinda making me choose between his and mine. This is the part that has made me the most angry/hurt. He made absolutely no attempt to see where I'm coming from. When I reminded him why I have to go along with what my parents want, he just said "So? We all have unique situations, deal with it." He just seems to not even care why I do what I do. I could've lived with a "Right I understand that and I know it's hard, but I still really want you to tell her." He can't even support himself, let alone me. He's still financially dependent on his parents as well, though not as much as I am. And granted his parents are accepting and his mom loves me, but we don't all have accepting families. I agree that he needs me way way more than I need him. I would be hurt if we broke up, but I would be fine, I don't know about him. We actually broke up before, I called it off mostly cuz he tuned out of the relationship and stopped spending any time with me for no good reason, and I got over it pretty fast and he didn't. He wanted to get back together pretty quick and I made him wait until I was sure we wouldn't have that problem again. And now we have a different one haha And I definitely am the more mature and logical one, he lets his emotions run him too much. I know what I need to do in order to have a better life and get out from under my parent's thumb and I'm doing it. If I was totally independent from my parents I would have already told them. There is nothing that I'd love more to do than to tell my parents to fuck off and that they can't control me, but I can't do that for a few more years. And I'm not sure he'll listen, I've been trying to tell him that for a while now. ---------- Post added 24th Sep 2013 at 08:50 AM ---------- We do hold hands in public and hug and a quick kiss. We're rather affectionate in public. We're lucky enough to live in a super gay friendly place
After all you've said, it seems like perhaps the best solution is to let the relationship go. It doesn't sound like it's balanced and both of you equally carry the weight of the relationship, that more of it is falling on you. If he's utterly unwilling to show empathy toward your situation, then the relationship simply isn't going to work. The fact that it ended and he begged you to make it work again clearly indicates that he's not coming from a place of self-assurance and confidence, and that rarely leads to a healthy relationship. My earlier comments still apply, but I did a crappy job of communicating my message. It's not that you're closeted per se, since I know your parents know, but if you're not telling them about your relationship, it's really the same thing as being closeted; your partner feels invisible to a part of your life that is an important (albeit not really positive) part of your existence. So as long as that's the case, and it sounds like it will be for a while until you graduate and are on your own, it's going to be tough to find someone who's emotionally healthy *and* willing to be invisible to your parents.
I haven't seen anyone mention this, and I am not going to say it is a solution or the greatest idea ever....BUT have you thought about talking to your BF's Mum about all this? I know it seems like you are running behind his back and being sneaky but when the other option is a broken relationship that failed due to one sided ultimatums are there any other options that may fix things, because I don't see many ways of making things worse.
I don't recommend triangulating at all. It's really, really unhealthy for any relationship. Your issue is with him, not with his mom. Leave her out of this, it will just make things worse.
