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Her Parent are against out marriage: What to do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DrkRayne, Sep 26, 2013.

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  1. DrkRayne

    DrkRayne
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    My partner and I have been together for over 3 years and recently got engaged. Before planning our wedding, she wanted to talk to her parents about ideas.
    They were not happy with the news of our engagement. They told her this was my fault and idea. They were very harsh, said some unkind things to her and threatened to never speak to her again if she even started planning a wedding, let alone marry me.

    They have been aware of our relationship. We’ve been living together for the past 8 months, and they have always been in the ‘loop’. Her father has even come by to fix some things around the house. They come to dinner often and I’ve come to family dinner there. They have met my parents, had them over for a BBQ. While they have never jumped for joy concerning their daughter’s orientation, as they are Catholic, this should not be shocking news to them.
    We’ve been in a romantic, loving and sexual relationship for three years
    I can’t understand this reaction to our engagement. Did they think this was going to end? That she was having a 3 year phase or experiment in her mid twenties?
    The only person who ever showed outright disapporval was her brother...other than that her parents were nonchalant.

    She has of course been very depressed about this. Saying no one loves her and that she is alone. I’m not sure how to help her. I’ve told her that possibly they will come around and that regardless she has people who adore her. My family loves her and I swear my father likes her more than me.
    She told me that’s not true and that they only tolerate her because she is my partner. She said the same thing regarding our friends…that they don’t really like her, which is crazy.
    I can’t get her to understand that she isn’t alone. That she has family and friends by her side and that we will all be with her through this.
    How can I help her? I do feel this is my fault. That my asking her to marry me may have tore her from her family and I need to do something to fix it. She loves them, and seeing her like this…its...I don’t know.
    What can we do about her parents and siblings? Is there hope for them?
     
    #1 DrkRayne, Sep 26, 2013
  2. Chic30

    Chic30
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    It's odd how they were fine with it when you guys were living together, but are against it when you wanna marry her. Did they know you guys were together when you were living together or did they think you guys were just roommates?
     
    #2 Chic30, Sep 26, 2013
  3. Momosboy

    Momosboy
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    A lady never tells ;)
    If they don't want another daughter, that's their loss. I'll have no family, except the one I make, and I'm fine with it.
     
    #3 Momosboy, Sep 26, 2013
  4. Chic30

    Chic30
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    What Momosboy said. The family you "make" is your true family. My brother did just that and he's so happy now. He's straight though lol, but our family is crazy. We just think of them (our biological family) as the family we were born to and nothing more. Not saying we don't love them we just prefer not to be around them.
     
    #4 Chic30, Sep 26, 2013
  5. DrkRayne

    DrkRayne
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    Her family knew we werent roommates. She came out completely a year and half ago. Her mother asked her one day, and she said "Yes" then she sat down with her parents and they talked and cried and everything. They took time and then seemed to come to terms with it.
    No they werent confused.
    This sudden...lashing out at her is startling. There is no real reason for it. :frowning2:
     
    #5 DrkRayne, Sep 27, 2013
  6. MJM09

    MJM09
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    I can't believe that this only started after your engagement. Her parents must have thought that your relationship wouldn't go as far as it has.

    I'd stand up and talk to them about it. Don't let them get in the way of what you two have. Be firm and assertive but not aggressive. Reassure them that it's what she wants and what would make her happy.

    Don't fell it's your fault either. If it's anyone's fault, it's her parents'. If I were you, I would start planning the wedding. Maybe that would help her to feel better too.
     
    #6 MJM09, Sep 27, 2013
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    I think they never got fully through the stages of grief. This actually isn't uncommon... families discuss it and then it sort of goes away. As long as you weren't talking about marriage, they could keep this fantasy that you were just roommates, and ignore the indications this wasn't the case, and convince themselves that it was a phase your partner was going through.

    But as soon as you talk about marriage... the lid comes off of the "denial" box, and you know what comes after denial in the stages of loss? Anger. (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.)

    So most likely what you're seeing here is a delayed version of the standard stages of loss. They can't deny it any longer by saying "it's a phase" or "Well, maybe she'll get tired of this girl and find a nice guy", so they're confronted with processing the loss.

    My guess is that most likely, as they have some time to think about it, they'll end up being OK with it. Whether that takes a week or a month or 3 months, no one knows, but particularly given that they've already known about it, I would guess that the time would be shorter rather than longer.

    Hang in there, encourage your partner to give it some time, and maybe have her speak to them in a week or two. I think the desire to be involved in the wedding will eventually outweigh their discomfort. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Chip, Sep 27, 2013
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