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How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I am

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dakine, Sep 26, 2013.

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  1. Dakine

    Dakine
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    So my roommate knows I'm bi/leaning gay, knows I like him etc. Initially in our friendship he was the most homophobic person I had ever met and thn magically on his own without me initiating the conversation said he'd be cool if I was gay yada yada yada. Needless to say he now knows that I am and that I like him. I STRONGLY feel he feels the same way but is hiding deep in the homophobic closet as his defense mechanism.

    Problem I'm having now is that he is constantly calling me faggot or homo. Usually this happens when we are being a bit flirty and it always seems like he has this look on his face like he's looking for me to react. So far I haven't said anything but it's starting to annoy me. Not in the sense that I find it offensive personally but in the sense of what is he looking to accomplish. To me there are only 3 possibilities. He's trying to be funny, he doesn't respect me or he's covering up his own sexuality insecurities. Again due to several other real signs I think it's the last of the 3. How do I bring up his constant use of calling me that without directly saying that's why I think he does it? It's getting to be a bit obnoxious as it's at least ten times a day I get called done kind of gay slur by him when he knows I am. Any ideas would be appreciated, cause I honestly feel he's waiting for me to call him out on it.
     
    #1 Dakine, Sep 26, 2013
  2. DrkRayne

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Well, if there is a possibility that he thinks he's funny, tell him the next time that it isnt. You don't need to bring up WHY you think he's doing it, leave that up to him to say. Just say:
    "Hey seriously dude, don't call me that. Its a little offensive because I can't tell if you're trying to be funny, or mean."
    That might get him to open up as to his views on gay people. get the conversation rolling.
     
    #2 DrkRayne, Sep 26, 2013
  3. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    The thing is I don't find it offensive I find it annoying and he'd be able to see through that. I need to find a backhanded way to turn it around on him cause I can tell he's looking for a reaction, or maybe to best reaction is to keep not reacting....I'm not sure lol

    ---------- Post added 26th Sep 2013 at 05:52 AM ----------

    I was thinking something along the lines of "you call me that an awful lot, you must love the fact that I am" or something like "what? R u trying to get a piece?"
     
    #3 Dakine, Sep 26, 2013
  4. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Or something along the lines of "u seem to like to call me that an awful lot...did u want to talk about it?"
     
    #4 Dakine, Sep 26, 2013
  5. penguin machine

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    I would say he should hear from you that what he's saying is offensive and starting to push the boundaries of funny and enter mean territory. If he doesn't know they're hurting your feelings, maybe he's using them as a defence mechanism, like the extremely uncomfortable guy who is steadily backing away saying "I don't see anything wrong with this. Nope, nothing wrong at all."

    If he doesn't know that what he's saying is offensive, don't give him the benefit of the doubt that he is aware he's hurting your feelings. Make it known. It's better for friendship AND anything else that might emerge.

    Any chance you could let us in on those other signs he's exhibiting? I do so love to guess.
     
    #5 penguin machine, Sep 26, 2013
  6. Argentwing

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    When he does it, ask "Why do you keep calling me names?" It might make him stop in his tracks while he thinks about an acceptable answer.
     
    #6 Argentwing, Sep 26, 2013
  7. LILuke

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Since he's your friend I would try to explain to him that the word upsets you and is a hateful word. And tell him you know he's not trying to be offensive or anything like that, but that's the way he's coming across. As someone who's dealing with this exact situation, I wish you the best of luck!
     
    #7 LILuke, Sep 26, 2013
  8. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Thanks for the replies but to tell u the truth it doesn't actually upset me, I just wonder why he would actually do it in the first place. Words are always just words to me, it's the intention behind them.
     
    #8 Dakine, Sep 26, 2013
  9. LILuke

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Either way, if he's your friend then he should be open to discussing this with you in a mature manner. Hopefully...
     
    #9 LILuke, Sep 26, 2013
  10. Joey4

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    How long had you guys been friends before you told him you were gay?
     
    #10 Joey4, Sep 26, 2013
  11. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    6 months or so
     
    #11 Dakine, Sep 27, 2013
  12. Joey4

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Alright. Well my theory would've been, had you guys been longtime friends, that maybe he's really uncomfortable with your sexuality and he's keeping you at distance because he knows you like him. Him calling you a fag keeps you at arms length.

    Sometimes people say "I'd be okay with you being gay if you said you were" just to get it out of you, if they suspect it.

    Have you guys ever rolled around, cuddled?
     
    #12 Joey4, Sep 27, 2013
  13. blueberrymuffin

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Just ask? Really you deserve an explanation for that at the very least, because that's where you live, and if he's really disrespecting you, then you've all right to get him to stop.
     
    #13 blueberrymuffin, Sep 27, 2013
  14. WhiteShadows

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    When I liked my best friend, there was a lot of joke going around of me being gay with him from other people... I ended up asking one night if I could talk to him about something... I asked him if he thought I was gay and he said no but he wouldn't have a problem if I was... and he said he was sorry that people had joked about me... then he ended up giving me a hug and we became closer friends...
    So yeah, I think talking to him about it seriously is a good idea. The suggestion 'do you want to talk about it' could be made to 'can we talk about it?'
     
    #14 WhiteShadows, Sep 27, 2013
  15. Incognito10

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    It may sound childish, but if someone is using a word you're (rightly) uncomfortable with, you need to just say, "I do not like that word, it has negative meanings to me." His response will be important and possibly open up other conversation. I know I certainly would not like someone to "flirt" with me by calling me disparaging names, joking or not (because as you said, you're annoyed regardless).
     
    #15 Incognito10, Sep 28, 2013
  16. Beth1

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    Re: How to deal with my friends overuse of words like faggot and home when he knows I

    Make fun of him for being straight, seriosuly fuck with him. It'd be great...call him a carpet muncher, or next time he calls you a faggot tell him you might be one but atleast you don't stick your dick in bleeding holes...get gross and offensive right back. It sounds like he is just trying to fuck with you to deal with his own discomfort, fuck with him back.
     
    #16 Beth1, Sep 28, 2013
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