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21-year-old Lesbian Dating 16-year-old Lesbian

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by spockbach, Sep 26, 2013.

  1. spockbach

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    So there's this girl I started connecting with (we kissed, and then agreed to go out) a while ago - and I knew she had very strong feelings for me. I was a little nervous about my reciprocal attraction, because I'm twenty-one (just) and she's 16 (won't be 17 until July). I assured her that it's very important to me to know what makes her comfortable in going out with an older person, and she said of course she would tell me if she felt uncomfortable. It's really important to me to keep her safe and healthy. How do you feel about a 21-year-old lesbian dating a 16-year-old lesbian if both parties are overjoyed to be with one another? Thoughts?
     
  2. Chic30

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    Um she's kinda young though. I'd wait until she's at least 18 to go any further. I'd be friends in the meantime. But yeah 16 is a little too mentally and physically young and immature. You'd have so much more fun with someone more mature on every level.
     
  3. spockbach

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    I don't want to hurt her. And I worry that it's sort of pedophilic to be attracted to her, even though she's only five years younger and fully developed.
     
  4. dfiant

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    The most important things in a relationship are the 2 happy together, seeking each other for comfort, love and a relationship, is there mutual respect, if the answers are yes then numbers only come into play when the age gap is obvious and leaves the door open to exploitation and abuse.

    16 and 21 years old are reasonably close to each other and at 16 I believe most people are capable of making informed decisions making them capable of consenting to love each other. 5 years between a 16 and 21 year old is not a huge difference, and in time 5 years will become less significant.

    I wish the both of you happiness :wink:
     
  5. Mysz

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    As you both grow older, then the age difference will matter less and less. At 16, she's not legally an adult, but that doesn't mean you can't have an innocent relationship.
    Happy for you two! Long as you both are consenting individuals, it sounds fine.
     
  6. spockbach

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    Here in RI, the age of consent is 16 - not that I'm planning on a truly sexual relationship, but I thought I would just mention that that is the case; it isn't illegal. Thanks for your input - I think we are going to be happy. :slight_smile: I'm excited; I've never had a girlfriend.
     
  7. Chic30

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    Oh so it's legal ok. I thought this was an illegal situation, well congrats. Just find out if it's serious enough because she is young, you need to know if she's really serious about you. Other than that go for it.
     
  8. Mysz

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    Oh! That makes things simpler then :grin: I was also thinking of her parents feelings on it, and whether they know.
     
  9. spockbach

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    Yeah, it's definitely legal, and I'm glad that's really a heavy factor - because she's definitely old enough for the law. And we had a beautiful night: we're really happy right now, so I'm not as worried. Not nearly as worried. :grin:
     
  10. toushirojaylee

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    For me age doesn't matter as long as you're happy with each other. I want to have a partner who's 3-5 years older than me.
     
  11. Chip

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    Folks, legal does not mean ethical.

    16 and 21 are a lifetime apart in terms of emotional and psychological growth. The 16 year old is in the midst of her teens; someone 21 is finishing college or started on a career. The 16 year old lives with parents; the 21 year old is likely already or soon to live on her own.

    There's a huge imbalance of life experience here that will be difficult to bridge. If the concern is for the emotional and psychological well being of the younger person, then a relationship with someone 5 years her senior is not the way to help her.
     
  12. i know i wouldnt date anyone younger than 18 at my age almost 22.
    at 16 i thought i could handle relationships and everything but i couldnt, i didnt know what a 'serious' relationship was till i was about 18/19.

    i wouldnt advise it but if you like her then nothing can stop you really. just keep communication open.
     
  13. spockbach

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    There are just a couple of things I'd like to mention: 1, I'm in my first year of college. 2, I've known her for a long time - we've been friends for way longer than we've been together. And finally, I should point out that we've had similar life experiences and I'm living at home as well right now. We started connecting because she was suffering from similar abuse at home as I once had, and I helped her through it. Then, once we'd talked about the possibility of a relationship (and oh yes, communication was so open its jaw was about to come unhinged), we kissed. And now we're both, like, over the moon.
     
  14. Chip

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    well, the fact that you were in a superior position of power and control (being the one helping her through a situation where you already had experience) sets the stage for the exact sort of imbalance that I'm speaking about.

    I stand by my original comments. Now, that said, it seems a phenomenal number of lesbian relationships have horribly unhealthy power dynamics, and function in a dysfunctional way for many years, so yours wouldn't necessarily be outside of the norm... but it has the potential to be extremely unhealthy for her.

    It sort of sounds like you've already made your decision and are more interested in getting support for it because at some level you realize it probably isn't the best choice. If so, all I can say is... I wish you the best.
     
  15. spockbach

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    You're partially right about seeking support for my decision, and you are quite right that it really is a decision more than a question at this point. The thing is, I hadn't really started the relationship when I asked the question. Later that evening, we spent time together and were both very happy. And please don't get me wrong about this: I AM afraid of hurting her. This feels right, but I've told her where I stand: don't ever let me hurt you (my responsibility, of course: not hers!), and know that you can and should always tell me if you're nervous, uncomfortable, feeling obligated in ways you shouldn't feel obligated, etc. I mean, the realities of this are very clear to me: she's young, and I'm five years older than she is. I've known her for a long time, and I think she's a wonderful girl. I have been careful, but I am aware that this can be a dangerous situation. So at this point, I feel confident about our relationship, but also aware that it's a major step and that anything that happens is entirely my responsibility. I DO think she's old enough to consent to the relationship, but I ALSO think that anything that goes wrong is entirely down to my actions, because I am older.
     
  16. Chic30

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    That's what I was trying to say, so true.
     
  17. spockbach

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    I appreciate everything you guys have said. I think I'll be with this girl for a while, because I think she's wonderful, but I entirely understand where all of you are coming from.
     
  18. LILuke

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    I am going to have to agree with Chip. 16 and 21 are worlds apart in a lot of different ways and to me just seems like too much. That being said you're going to do what you're going to do and nothing I or anyone else says is going to change that, and so I ask you to just keep in mind during the course of your relationship that the age difference places you in a position with potential for abuse [even unintentional] that you have to be aware of.
     
  19. Chip

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    For what it's worth, this isn't about her being old enough to consent. It's about emotional health and well-being. You're admitting to creating a relationship that will have codependency as a primary function, because of the age difference, power imbalance, and merely by stating that it is your responsibility, because you're older, you're acknowledging the power imbalance and taking responsibility for it. By definition, that's codependence. It's inherently unhealthy, so your whole premise that you don't want to be harmful to her is faulty. There's no way around it.

    But you've made your decision, so there's really no point in trying to change your mind. Just own that the decision you've made is a selfish one for your benefit, and not for hers, because that's what it boils down to.
     
  20. Tightrope

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    I don't know. 21 and 16 is not a big difference, but at that age it can be. 31 and 26 is not a problem at all, though. The first thing that ran through my mind is control.