My husband is transgender

First and most importantly.. welcome.. we are here for you..

Second, it will get worse before it gets better. We don't know what that looks like yet but some day you will look back and laugh.

Just keep talking and we will keep listening. Welcome to EC

 

(*hug*)

You have every right to feel mixed up and confused. This IS big and scary, what your feeling is completely fair. You're obviously strong and brave and you WILL get through this and be happier than ever. Really.

Welcome to EC. Stick around and post, vent, ask for help. We're here for you.

 

Hi Jubilee,

I just want to say, having been in your spouse's shoes, that your needs are important too. You are right, you did not sign on for this. Your spouse has probably been dealing with this for a long time, you get it dumped on your lap in a day.

You are right, this is the same person you married. But there is a part to this person that you've never seen, that they've never let anyone see until now. The love that you have is real. So is this part. And it's really painful the way they work against each other. The person you took as your husband never ever wanted to hurt you and never wanted this to happen. It's just that you can only live a lie for so long.

When your person was living as a man, he was taught to never ever show this to anyone. When your person could be alone, she probably felt terrified and afraid and deeply ashamed and very alone. This double life would eventually have gotten in the way of his job, her sanity, and your family.

What your person needs right now, more than anything in the world, is a good friend. But that's all I'm going to say about your spouse's needs.

What I think you need, although I don't know you, is to decide honestly what you can and can't handle. Loving and supporting are wonderful - and you are an amazing woman for thinking that way - but it might not mean what it means between a woman and a man.

If you are not gay, you aren't. Personally, my partner sticking around and helping me through transition means SO MUCH more than us making love ever could. Just going to be up front about this, we are effectively a celibate couple right now, just taking care of ourselves - which honestly works out very well for us, she has a condition that makes it painful and the kind of sex she likes really sucks for me, and neither of us have huge libidos - but that gets me to the other thing.

If you need a man, to be a man, including sex, then I really think you owe it to both of you to be honest about that. It might not mean doing anything about it if it's not an option. But I wouldn't suffer in silence until you start to build up resentment. If your spouse still has a lot of that male ego left - something a lot of us pick up when we grow up as boys - that might not sit well. But it's far better than the alternative. Please be strong about this.

Basically where I'm going with this, just an outsider's opinion of course, you both probably need to draw some new lines. I know it's cheaper but you really probably should not be sharing clothes if you can avoid it, that is such a recipe for unnecessary heartache. The job is still priority number two right behind the kids, and transition is #3 tops, and another trans woman said it.

And also ask her what she needs. Don't let her weasel out of this either. She was still brought up like a boy, and you know that means you're going to get lolipops and sunshine and anything but the truth the first time you ask.

You do have a choice. This is simply not what you agreed to when you married someone you thought was a man. But if you do choose to stay don't listen to the people that will tell you that it won't work. I've known several people that have.

And you are not a lesbian if you stay. My girlfriend is straight. If anything, it's a relief now that we can both talk about our crushes openly. I would give your spouse some time for the male ego to evaporate, but it will. That's one of the few plusses, the other is that the bathroom's easier to clean (because you and I both know boys pee everywhere including places that you didn't think were possible )

I really hope things work out for both of you. But right now I think it's really for the best if you just focus on making you happy. Transition is a necessary thing for some of us - being trans (and your spouse is trans with or without transition) can really tear a person a part and break them down - but it is also a selfish thing. So it's okay for you to be selfish too.

In fact I think you owe it to the person you took as your husband to be a little selfish. Otherwise there is no way you'll be able to love and support anyone.

 

I am 49 yo and have been with my wife for 25 years next month. I came out to her this past April. After the first week of barely talking, the flood gates opened and we began to communicate like we hadn't in many years. She went from "there is no way I can stay with you because I am not a lesbian" to "you know what I really want to stick around and get to know the new, non dysphoric you". So things were going really well. She was by my side as we came out to family and friends. She has been my number one supporter. She has helped me with makeup and shopping and my hair style. Then 3 weeks ago she asked for a divorce. She told me that she just can't handle being married to a woman. I guess my body has been changing enough that she is really freaking out now. This news struck me really hard. I expected this in the begining when I first came out to her but not after several months of everything going so well. Our two sons, 17 and 14 were also shocked as they have seen how great their mom's have been getting along. So we have had some very good deep conversations and she has started therapy. I just want her to be happy. I guess the reason for this reply is just to say that you are not alone and that your feelings are going to probably change as you digest this news and get used to the changes that are coming. What I mean is that you are probably going to have a lot of different emotions and are going to find yourself on a crazy rollercoaster. I wish you well and hope for the best for everyone.

 

I'm in a similar situation as well Jubilee... you are not alone.

 

My husband, father of my 3 children is now a woman. I loved him with all my heart. Even after he had an affair on me I stuck by him. Sure I am no angel. Never slept with anyone else, but I told my share of lies. We had our ups and downs. Having a family is not easy when you're struggling just to survive. But for the most part I was happy. I never wanted to give up on what We had. I felt it was special. I found out he was transgender after the affair, because after that I had started going through his emails. Without blinking an eye I accepted him and still wanted to stick by him. However, there were rules and compromises we had agreed to. In the beginning I thought of it as a way to make him feel loved and appreciated. It made me feel like I would be appreciated in return. But all the promises and compromises were broken. One example, his breasts. I could handle him dressing up now and then, but I could not handle it anymore once it began to become permanent and completely consume our reality. I no longer had the ability to see him as a man, and the feelings I had felt for him just faded away. Not because I am a shallow conformist as he accused. But because 1) I am straight 2) appreciation was replaced by the expectation of more and 3)I felt there was no regard for my needs, or sympathy for the pain it was causing me. I began to feel so angry that I was lied to, and tricked into this life that is a nightmare for me, and now the only effort that could be put forth to save this marriage would have to come from me. The sacrifices were mine alone. I must change who I am. I am not shallow at all. I am far from it. But this is not just about looks. This is about gender. When you love someone the way they are, and they CHOOSE to change that, knowing that you might not be there anymore, how could you believe you are loved? How could you feel loved and appreciated by someone who needs makeup and clothes more than they need you? Who you are is not a choice, but what you do certainly is. Did I love who he is inside? Yes. But I could not possibly do what I was expected to do and not feel like just a weak person. Someone who would have to be willing to sacrifice so much, suffer so much, and be able to change who I am for someone who was clearly not willing or able to make any sacrifices or compromises for MY happiness. It's a load of crap in my opinion. It is pure selfishness. Tell me how it's not! That for so long I have been so worried about someone else's feelings, that I have to hide mine to protect theirs. But now I realize, this is how I feel inside. He is not hiding it. Why should I. I hate what he has become. I hate that he allows people to think he is our children's mother, when I am their mother. I hate how he tries to make me feel like I am a bad person, and this is somehow all my fault. I am miserable. My dreams are destroyed my life is ruined. That is how I feel. It seems to me that in order to deal with his pain, he has to spread it around to everyone else and it has grown even bigger. Now everyone around him is suffering and he still is too. Why can't someone be who they are inside without looking a certain way? How could someone be happier torturing everyone who cares about them. How will this effect my kids?
The only way I can describe the way I feel is the likeness of someone you love committing suicide. They put their pain on you and they are free. Only he is still here haunting me. Like a ghost haunting me to make sure I continue to suffer more. This is how I feel. I'm sick of being sensitive to what he is dealing with. There's no mercy for me

 

Yes, you are right. It is like picking up the pieces after a person you love commits suicide, only we are not allowed to grieve. I live in misery as SHE is happily and transitioning. What really gets me is why does anyone think for one moment that a straight person would suddenly want to or be capable of suddenly becoming a lesbian. I am heterosexual - always have been and always will be. If I was reborn as a lesbian I know I would not choose to be with a very ugly female, which is what she is. I married a handsome, intelligent man who loved to do all the macho things guys do and then one day changes into "Oh, I just like to dress up" Ha ha ha. Like you, I tried to cope and to help her, however, that was the mistake of my life as SHE took over and it was clear SHE intended to go the full hog. Cross dressers are cross dresses and good luck to them (I could have coped with that), but when one starts the transition of emotionally and physically becoming a woman, it is really to much to expect their straight partner to simply go along with it. SHE is not the same as the man I married. SHE is totally selfish, self centered and egotistical. It really annoys me that SHE is entitled to all the support she needs (even though there is nothing wrong with HER) and I am left to pick up the pieces with no help from anyone. Help only exists if you are happy to support the person who is transitioning. So not happy!