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Feeling Jealousy?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Pat, Sep 27, 2013.

  1. Pat

    Pat
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    There's this guy I talked to, met on an online dating site and we hit it off unlike anything I've experienced before.. I spent the next 3 months talking to him nearly every day and getting to know him. He had pretty bad self esteem issues, while looking like he just walked off a runway oddly, and I felt like my only purpose with him was to tell him when he looked good and constantly build him up. I had the impression that I was building a boyfriend. I liked him because he was everything I ever thought of. 6'4, handsome, deep voice, laid back, non confrontational, funny.. everything I could've wanted. However, he had no male friends and he's a 22 year old virgin who's never been kissed or contacted sexually, he's very hard to read. Very cold seemingly. And from dealing with other men, this seemed to be a sign that he wasn't into me. While he would never tell me he wasn't interested in me, he didn't compliment me much and admitted that he doesn't exactly know how to. He's told me before that he would live with me, that he enjoys my company, all of that.. but the issue before was that I wanted some kind of commitment from him. I wanted him to tell me that there was a future in it for me beyond friendship, even if that didn't mean immediately.. I wanted to know that he thought about me, I wanted him to call me more, I wanted to hear his voice. I also was struggling with trying to give him space. We always flirt with the idea of meeting but it never materialized into anything. He doesn't have male friends really, so our relationship felt like I was heading for the friend zone. Which is where I ended up, but I felt like a chick.. lol. I felt like I was figuratively and literally holding a mirror for him and telling him how beautiful he was every day and he didn't seem to exhibit the same interest in me. Is it really possible for someone to not know if they want to be with someone? I mean as far as the spark is concerned that tells you you're attracted to someone. I've always thought that a guy will innately know what he wants. After a while of feeling just..like shit. That I couldn't make him feel prettier, I couldn't make him feel at ease enough to meet me, I just told him I couldn't do it anymore. I was burned out and I wanted a clean break from him. He did tell me how much I meant to him before the friendship or whatever was over, but it was just that.. it didn't make me feel like I was making a mistake until about a month ago. Started talking to shitty guys again and I realized that I wanted to do whatever he wanted to do. I wanted to wait for him to fall in love with me. I feel like he's destined to be with me and that if I don't fight for him, I'll lose out just like I did in high school by being so conservative about my feelings for a guy. I realized that I just wanted to know him again.. So I contacted him again tonight and it was the first time we've spoken in more than 2 months. I missed him, but I'm mad at myself for being vulnerable again. I've been burned before like this and I still have no closure from that. I was talking with him and balancing my emotions well..when I realized that there was another guy liking all of his shit on FB. And I just became...enraged pretty much. I feel like I made him a better person and that I'm not even going to get to reap the rewards of that effort on my behalf. If you're wondering, I'm aware that it was selfish, but in the end, I told myself that it was okay for me to know what I want and it was okay to quit things if I couldn't have it that way. He's such a great guy that I'm just terrified that I'm not going to be with him. It's really alarming how I feel right now, and I found that it's his cousin liking all of his things...(still doesn't make me at ease because distant cousins can be...closer than we think) I don't want to fuck up with him this time trying to rush him. I just want him around. But I want to learn how to be okay with the possibility of someone else making him happy. If anyone can give advice, let me know. I thought I was over this feeling, and then I realized that I'm right back in this trap of loneliness, worry and jealousy about this kid. I can't say that I love him per se, but I'm in love with what he represents. He's pure in every facet of the word. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't have sex, he's... like me. And I want to learn how to chill out and let him come to me, and just...trust that he will. And if he doesn't, I want to learn how to be okay with that too. Help!! lol.
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    This line stood out to me so much.

    When I was younger, I was a moderately social child, but I wasn't a bit fan of hanging out with my peers outside of classes; I did other things that most of my peers didn't seem to be interested in. Though one year, I had a friend, who I had known for about a year prior, that really took a much greater interest in me. He would really go out of his way to seek me out, and that was big for me at the time. Sparks began to fly and I couldn't understand how he could possibly be interested in me because he was simply too perfect. It was too good to be true.

    And in the end, it was. I spent months wondering why it seemed as those we weren't progressing. Its like a first date every day; you expect that after so long something official would come into the works, but it didn't and I couldn't understand why. Well, one day he and I were talking to a mutual friend and she said a statement that I don't recall to him, but it ended with "your girlfriend". I remember he looked at me before he responded to her, but I didn't make eye contact because I just stared off for quite a while, not comprehending it all.

    I am definitely over him now, but the story still makes me a bit tearful because I believe that was one of those moments when you have first been hurt romantically, that a level of your past innocents dies. I couldn't understand how something that felt so perfect could shatter so swiftly. Of course, that was a complete asshole move, which is fitting because he began to become more of an asshole over the years...

    It took me a while to get over it. I believe it mainly required me to step back and really recognize me worth as an individual, because I knew that I deserved better. Sometimes our heart lies. Sometimes something that seems to perfect is only so because we want it to be. He was everything I thought I wanted, and even though he was perfectly fine pre-dick move, I still believe that I put him up on a pedestal because being with him was something that I grew to want so badly.

    So, my advice would be to remember that as nice of a guy as he may be, he is far from the last you will find. Even if he is perfect in many ways, he is flawed in the reality that he fails to see how great of a guy you actually are. (*hug*)
     
  3. Bebop

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    Okay talking as someone who sounds a bit like the person you outlined I'll try to give some advice.

    For starters how does he respond to your telling him he looks good and building him up? Because as someone who doesn't know how to take compliments or receive them in the slightest if he kind of ignores them a lot or just curtly replies to it you may want to cut back and just compliment him in a more natural way and occasional way - you've only talked to him for a few months online as well so don't make statements that can be easily dismissed by him with the thought "oh he doesn't really know me so he's just being nice/wants to get in my pants".
    And don't put making him feel prettier or more confident on yourself, just try to connect with him and if things evolve support him to become more confident in himself. He's the one who has to get over his insecurities as much as that may suck for those watching and wanting to help.

    Being cold doesn't mean he isn't in to you or at least interested. Some people just come across as cold and don't know how to be warm towards people or put on a cold persona to protect themselves. From experience that gets better with time, it becomes easier to say nice and maybe cheesy things to people the closer you get but if his general demeanor is just a colder one don't expect it ever to be like those couples who fawn over each other all the time - it won't happen and no this doesn't mean they think less of you than those couples who wear their hearts on their sleeves.

    Regarding getting a commitment he may not be able to give that at this point because he just doesn't know. The "spark" isn't immediate for some people, sometimes things have to grow out of friendship or a connection to someone, especially if they're a particularly practical person.

    You said you flirt with the idea of meeting, what exactly does that entail? Have you tried just out right stating you want to meet him on a certain day to do something? Because for someone who hasn't even kissed a guy flirting with the idea is probably something easy as it is intangible at that point but for him to actually push it further than that may be extremely difficult (and induce ridiculous anxiety - trust me).
     
    #3 Bebop, Sep 28, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2013
  4. Pat

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    I appreciate both comments so far, Gen.. you're spot on. I know all of that, but it's still good to hear. I definitely have some scars on me from those straight guy crushes I've had. And while I feel better about myself, waaaaaaaay better.. I was so mad at myself last night for being vulnerable last night. Bebop.. The conversations about his looks were usually brought up by him. He would just shoot me a pic and ask how he looked, or say something like, "I didn't even want to leave the house today, I look like crap" Or.. "I want to go swimming, but I don't want to take my shirt off" I could definitely tell that his level of insecurity was paralyzing. When I say 3 months, I mean a good 3-4 hours a day, every day talking to him. While I don't know everything about him, I felt like I knew enough to know he was just scared. But I wanted him to open up to me which he really did because he hasn't gotten that far with a guy (talking insecurities, home life) The way he would respond to my compliments were very receptive in my book.. "XD thanks you're so sweet" things of that nature. He started to really tell me how he was feeling more often and also came to me for advice about some things, such as his appearance (contacts, hair color, how to deal with friends) things like that. I asked myself often why he even got on that dating site because he was so confused and not ready. He stated that he was bi, but it took pretty much one comment from me about that and he told me he was gay. The second half of your post helped me too, to realize that him being distant and seemingly oblivious to.. idk.. I guess "dating/flirting etiquette" was off putting. When I deal with other guys, that shit means they aren't interested in you if they don't text you for days at a time. And oddly, his closed off personality attracted me because it let me know that if I bonded with this boy unlike anything he's had, the odds of us falling apart over time were slimmer because there aren't that many guys that will be this patient with him and you have no shot in hell in having sex with him. About meeting: I asked him out on a date. He accepted. But with his college and work going on and our distance from each other (about 45 minutes now) it just never materialized. And then I got into a stage where I wanted to catch his feelings and express them for him. I overanalyze things very often, especially when there's silence between me and someone else. I started to assume that his insecurity was really holding him back from making that commitment to me and I offered to just come hang with him and his girl friends if that would make him feel better about it. The other thing was the constant, "we should be gym partners" thing. He needed someone to motivate him to go and I had invited him several times to no avail. The day that he wouldn't go to the pool because he didn't want to be shirtless was the first time I realized how bad his insecurity was.. because he's frigging gorgeous. Like, not average. It would be like seeing a gahdamn Unicorn walk by you. I know he used to weigh a lot more and he still sees the fat kid I suppose. So I know why we didn't meet, but I felt like I owed more patience, but I want to be able to not feel like he has to be my property after all I've been to his self esteem. I just want to be his friend and be there for him and never separate myself like that again.
     
  5. Gen

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    I know. I often think "Well, I know I should do this, but why does that feel so right". I tend to be good at giving advice, but I hate taking my own. Lol

    Anyway, the guy that I fell for was bisexual (Secretly), so I definitely know the feeling that something has to come of this. Not to mention, he began pursing me at that time and I resisted out of doubt. So when it all feel apart it almost seemed as though I finally let love take the wheel and it crashed me into a damn brick wall. Regardless, I am extremely grateful that it happened because I actually did learn from it.

    It does seem like this was a bit of a one sided relationship. You gave, and you gave, and you gave, but you got little back in return. You have to move on, at least for now. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. Recognizing that you don't need him; that there will definitely be others who won't require so much convincing. It doesn't mean that you both can't still be friends, or even more sometime in the future if he comes around; but this is not a healthy start for any relationship and you are far to long to waste your life waiting.

    It seems that you are trying to safeguard yourself. Attempting to craft a romantic situation in which you can't lose, in which you can't get hurt. But that will never happen. As you said earlier, you seem to have fallen more for the idea of him, then the reality. He's not the perfect guy because of who he is; he is the perfect guy because of what being with him could mean. Protection. From infidelity, pain, desertion, but that simply doesn't exist in reality.
     
  6. Pat

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    The jealousy seems to have subsided and we're talking again and he seems....better. More stable. And I feel like I'm better also. I don't feel like I need to talk to him when I see that he's available. And it's been so long since we've talked that I've hardly thought about him since we've started talking again. Looking forward to just trying this patience thing and not trying to pressure him. If he finds someone else, so be it, but hopefully my career will consume more of my time and I can begin dating some guys casually.