ok... so... here's the thing. I'm dating this guy for 2 years now. He's absolutely gorgeous and adorable. Our relationship has been pretty good so far and we get along fine. I'm definitely madly in love with him, I'd do anything to not lose him. The problem is... everyone thinks he's gay. Mostly because of his voice. It's just incredibly... stereotypical gay. The tone, but also I've noticed he has a gay accent/the lisp. He's not camp, doesn't use his hands to talk often, but he has a feminine way about him. The way he walks, he kind of sways his hips, he often walks with his arms folded, he folds his arms a lot. But then also the way he stands while talking to someone. He places his left leg ahead and rests his hand on his thigh, which is someone I don't really see straight guys doing and is done by a lot of women. He also tends to blink a little longer, I've noticed that. He just gives a gay vibe to everyone, my family, my friends, to make it worse, gay guys think he's gay too. I overheard a gay colleague saying "Audrey's boyfriend spoke and purses fell of his mouth". As you may know, this doesn't feel good. I've asked my boyfriend once if he was gay, he laugh a bit and said "no, I'm not gay". But the thing is... he definitely sounds and seems gay. I ignored it because his brother, who I'm positive is straight, also has that kind of voice and people also wonder if he is gay. However his brother is less feminine, in physical traits and his voice is not as gay toned. The sex is good. We do it often and he makes me feel wanted. He's not afraid to go down on me either. He's quite shy, bit quiet and reserved, doesn't like PDA (but I don't like it either) and talking about his feelings is not easy for him. He likes to discuss thoughts and ideas, but feelings, not so much. He's into athletic girls, I like sports and play tennis and soccer in my spare time. Don't know if him being into athletic girls is suspicious? He likes sports and loves college football, he's very competitive and runs everyday. He's also not particularly vain, he's stylish and does wear very tight clothes, especially tight pants, but I've always guessed that's just his style. He doesn't care about shopping and fashion at all, listens to only rock music, he's not into decor, we live in his pad and when I moved in it was very masculine looking, he even has mantlers haging on his living room, he's definitely not a camp guy. He even complains about carrying my pink bags when we travel, saying he doesn't feel manly and he's embarrassed. The stuff he says, likes, does... feels masculine to me, he may be soft, but he has a strong sense of masculinity and it is important to him to feel manly. The problem is that other assume he is gay, and tell it to me and it bothers me to no end. I've had an old friend come see me and once she met him, she told me she was pretty sure he's gay and I should dump him asap. My parents met him and asked him if I was sure I wanted to date him because he has a strong gay vibe to him. My own brother is constantly telling me to be careful, saying he's not happy I'm seeing this guy. The worse one was when my boyfriend got promoted at work and I received an anonymous e-mail saying "Has your boyfriend come out of closet yet?". I lost it. My boyfriend told me he has always had people assuming he is gay, same as his brother, and that the person who sent the e-mail was just jealous and angry and I should ignore. I've never found gay porn or anything that could make me believe he's into man or having an affair. I did not like the way he looked a guy once, that was a guy he was working with, but time passed and I never saw anything indicating something suspicius... and I do believe he was checking out a guy once, I confronted him and he was pissed at me. He's a little touchy with his friends, might put a arm cross a friends shoulder or touch a friends elbow with his hand when congratulating on something... Is this strange? Could it indicate something? He has suggested taking the next step, think he might propose soon... and I'm too inlove with this man, I might just say 'yes'. But I'm terrified to become that woman that after years of marriage and a bunch of kids, find out my husband is gay and leaving me for a man. I couldn't deal with it. I'm already terrified he might just come out one of these days. I'm afraid with all my sneaking around I might be asking for it and find out what I don't want to find out. I've talking to his family and close friends, they all tell me he's not gay. A family friend said she thinks he might be different because he was homeschooled and missed high school life. I was looking through a few videos and photos from 5 years ago, when he was 20. I noticed that his voice sounded gayer, much more high pitched. The way he talked gave me even more vibes. In the pictures he'd pose by standing with his legs crossed very tightly. He doesn't do that anymore and didn't do it when I met him. Maybe he has matured and stopped doing this... or is it a sign that he might be trying to be less 'gay'? I've mentioned here I'm in love with this man. I think he loves me too, could he be such a good actor? This is what makes me think he may be at least bi, the sex and the fact I feel like he truly wants me. He just doesn't talk about women much, could be because he's so shy, but I don't know. It's just that I've been hearing comments and other people's spectulation for 2 years, and I'm tired and confused. It's blowing my mind. I tell people he's just a bit feminine, not gay, their reaction is "yeah, right, straight guys don't sound like that anywhere" and "if he's not gay, he missed a great chance". Is it possible that he can sound and seem gay but he's in fact straight? Or should I just follow the memo "if it's quacks like a duck, then it's duck". I'm sure some straight guys can have effeminate ways and sound gay, but it's rare, right? What are the odds I found a guy like that? What's your opinion? Could this guy be a closeted gay and I should leave asap before I get more hurt... or am I just believing stereotypes and should ignore what others think and say? Needless to say, I'm incredibly self-aware and give too much importance to what others think. It's just that a LOT of people believe him to be gay, and of course, this all hurts me bad.
He's your boyfriend. You love him. You acknowledge your bond and you also acknowledge that he doesn't lack in the bedroom. If you keep questioning his sexuality, he's going to leave you and you won't have to worry about it anymore.. the fact of the matter is, mannerisms do not make a man gay. Some guys are just naturally more feminine than others. It could have something to do with his background, namely..if women have been more influential in his life. It's really a non issue. I know as a woman, you want others to envy what you have as opposed to ridiculing it. You have to put yourself in the position to stand up for him if he's the guy you want to be with. I don't think that..in this day and age, you can look at too many men and know whether or not they're gay. I was talking to my mom about this the other day because we were watching a show where the women are all sitting around there, thinking that they have a shot in hell at knowing when a guy is gay. Not that it couldn't happen, but I'm saying that if I don't know when a guy is gay a lot of the time, how could you possibly know it? In this day and age, a guy can be whoever he wants to be and doesn't have to worry about traditional stereotypes. I'm not trying to downplay the issue, I can understand where you're coming from and how it must feel, but it's not different than if your boyfriend was of another race, handicapped, had a checkered past or some other thing, there are hurdles in relationships like this all the time, and if you're tired of addressing it, maybe you should look elsewhere. You need to let your happiness dictate things and not what others think of things. I don't believe anyone has the right to make me upset. If you're upset at what these people say, it's time to give them an ultimatum and let them know that you're not going to sit back and let them say those things about your man. If it doesn't bother him, then it shouldn't bother you. For goodness sakes, you lay in bed with him. You have to know he's not gay. If other people are twisting your perception when you're the only with a first hand experience, then I don't really know what advice would do you well in this case. You should express this to him just to let him know that it's a constant in your mind, without accusing him or asking him to change. Just to let him know that you're going through something. Otherwise, it could turn into resentment and anger toward him and he's not going to know where it came from. If he's the kind of man that you wanted to be with, relationship wise, then you really just have to get over this and commit to him. I just don't know why people assume that characteristic or dress is enough to identify someone's sexuality. I've known plenty a straight guy that seemed gay to me (make up, eyeliner, skinny jeans, etc etc) and they're straight. And for you to say he doesn't talk about women much.. lol. Why the hell would he? He's with you! I can assure you that a gay man couldn't possibly "act" through a relationship this in depth. Something would have been noticeable with him even if it were body language. What's mind blowing to me is that you don't trust him and you have no inclination of your own that told you he was gay when you met him and fell in love with him. If YOU thought all of those things about him when you met him, it wouldn't have brought you this far with him. If it's too much to handle for you, it's understandable, but don't hold him back.. Let him know that you need a man that's deemed more masculine.. as silly as it may sound, that's what you want apparently. I know it's easy to be consumed with how you feel, but have you thought about how it would make him feel to know that his own girlfriend doesn't believe him or would stand by him? You've got some soul searching to do on this one. And it doesn't make you a bad person to leave him, so don't weigh that. Just think about what he deserves..and what you want.
Thanks for your answer. I definitely don't want to leave him, if I can, I'll be with this guy forever. He has been hurt twice before, I definitely don't want to break his heart again. I do admit he sounds and seems gay. I'll admit it. But when I met him, things were great from the very start and his voice and personality... nothing bothered me. I definitely never thought about the possibility of him being gay. It was just once people started bringing it up that I wondered if it could be true. I just wish that once I tell others my boyfriend is straight, that they'd believe it and shut up about it. It's so hard to have heard so many comments for 2 years now. My boyfriend is very comfortable with who he is, says he knows what he likes and the rest doesn't matter. He's very aware of what people think of him and I think he's used to it, he doesn't care. He said he considers himself masculine and his voice has always sounded like this, he says he can't do anything about it. I want to let go and not let it influence me. I want to say "screw what others say and think". But when it comes to my own family and closest friends... things get harder. My mother is quite condescending and I'm pretty sure if I marry this man, she'll bother me about what he is, what he could be, what he isn't... blah, blah, blah... forever. My father is a chill guy and very open minded, he's a bit feminine himself, so I guess he understands and sees I'm happy with this man. My problem is my mother and brother, who are convinced my boyfriend can't be straight, and say they warn me so one day I won't be surprised. It's just stupid stereotypes... if he had a deeper voice, I'm sure not so many people would even bother to bring it up. How can I move on from this? How can I stop caring about what others say? He does make me happy. I don't want to leave him. But the comments upset me. I can't help it.
Uh. You have to get over it. There's no one who can help you with this part of things. You just have to come to the conclusion that you being happy is all that really matters and that your family doesn't. In other words, if you marry this man, you're vowing to stick by him and if you had to choose between him and your family, he's always going to be first in your book. He's your head. He's your protector. Fortunately for you, your father doesn't mind him, so he wouldn't have a problem granting your hand in marriage to him if it comes to that, but you just have to believe in the strength of your bond and I don't know that anyone can help you do that. I guess a suggestion to get your mind working on the matter would be to create a list of things that you love about him, and a list of the things that you're worried about with him. And then just weigh those things. Your brother doesn't matter. Screw em. Lol. I mean, he's always going to be your brother no matter what he does, but he doesn't belong in the details of your relationship. And with my personality, if I had a situation of the sort, I would provide all the detail he needs...to shut the hell up. Such as how he is in the bedroom. That should get him to just shut up about it and know his place. As family, we all have the right and the good intention of informing our family when we see a need for caution, but there's only a certain extent that's acceptable. If you push too far, you run the risk of losing that person is the way I look at it. My brother's married.. I'm not crazy about his wife, but it's none of my business. He's only had to tell me once that she was the one and I'll defend him on that. If she leaves him one day, I'm certainly not going to say, "I told you so" It's not my place to do that. And it's not your mother or brother's place to do that.
Pat's first post is excellent. (Haven't read his second). The thing he said about wanting other women to envy what you have rather than ridiculing it is the highlight of his post. I think that's the recurring theme. You seem to really like this guy, you get along, and even the sex is good, complete with, as you say, going down, which some guys of all orientations are not comfortable doing. You really don't know. He denied it. He could be (a term I hate) metrosexual. I've known guys growing up who were "less" traditionally masculine than me, and they found girlfriends, got married, are still married, and had kids. I sort of wondered if they had another dimensions at times, but why bother? He could be closeted, and bisexual, since he is able to perform, especially if you detect he's enjoying it. Right now, the first thing you need to do is shut out the negative chatter from your girlfriends. If he's gorgeous, as you say, there might be some jealousy and they're looking for a way to discredit him. Girls can be catty when it comes to men. If no girls want a guy, it sort of spreads like a vine. If a girl or two show interest in him, then others suddenly come around. Also, I think you need more time, but don't make any big plans. Continue to monitor the situation without being paranoid or obsessive about it. You may find that it works just fine or that you may grow apart for other reasons. There's no way to tell from what you've indicated, especially since a lot of it is about saving face and maintaining appearances.
Thank you for your answers. Some days I just wish we could run and live in the hoods, away from everyone and their guesses and comments. I feel terrible for ever doubting him. But when everyone, especially gay guys, telling you your boyfriend must be gay, you can't help but wonder and feel confused. I mean it's like almost every month someone needs to make a comment about it. It's a nightmare. How come people won't get over his voice? It's frustrating to me. I have had friends telling me to dump him, how could anyone do that to a friend? I decided I'm going to believe and side him on this. I'll do my best not to hurt my family, as I do love them very much, but they'll have to understand that I want to be with this man, and he does makes me happy. All I need right now is courage to try and shut them all for once.
