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When should you give up on someone you love?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BearLover, Sep 28, 2013.

  1. BearLover

    BearLover Guest

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    I have this guy that I love, he is a lot older than me (50 years :/) and we both like each other but there is one huge problem he has - he's married. I assume he's bisexual because he's into me as well as being with his wife.

    He flirted with me first and I couldn't help but fall in love with him, we are in a love - hate relationship, I think we both want to be with each other but he's trapped in this marriage and it's up to him who he spends his life with, I'm not taking him away from her, it's his choice if he ever did get a divorce and I doubt he will, I think he's too scared.

    But how much longer should I have to wait for him to be with me? We met nearly 2 years ago and we're still falling out, he always gets upset when I don't talk to him but when I do give him the attention he doesn't want it, I asked him for a cuddle one day and he said "I don't do cuddles." and he says I'm his boy but things just aren't working out, I don't know if he's scared of coming out or if he still wants his relationship, if he does then why did he even bother flirting with me in the first place? I am getting so sick and tired of putting effort in with him and things not working out, I'm scared to tell him directly that I love him and it just makes me feel like a fool when he treats me badly. He has a family, so I think that deep down he will never leave them and the reason why things aren't working out is because he isn't prepared to leave his family. He was closer to me in the past but as soon as I started to get close to him he just backed off, he started touching my hip from behind, he kept on licking his lips at me, he even held my hand before when we made up from a falling out. Today he told me that he wanted me to stop licking my lips at him and that I was too young, Why after all this time has he just backed off? I kind of think he just wants to have sex with me because if he wanted to have a relationship he'd tell me he loves me. When I get him out of my life, I hope I never see him again because whenever I think about him I just feel heartbroken, I don't want to hurt him anymore I just want things to end between us, at least I can be happy again.

    The reason why this hasn't worked out was because we weren't supposed to be together, he is 50 years older than me and a relationship with him wouldn't be worth it, he's 70 so I bet he will die sometime soon and that'll leave me single at near middle age which I don't want. I really would like to be with an older man but things just won't work out. I know that everyone I fall in love with will hurt me at some time in my life but we put each other in so much pain and we both hold on but I just don't think it'll work out.

    I want to find a girl my age that I love but I'm just not in the situation to, I live in a town that is isolated from most of my friends and the only chance I have is online dating. I'm not even sure that I'm emotionally attracted to girls because in the past I've been rejected and I just don't want to go through that pain anymore. So many girls don't see and respect me for who I am, I haven't had the chance to be around girls to fall in love with them, Yes I like boobs but I'm not even sure if I will fall in love with them, they say love will find you but I doubt that, I kind of have to force myself in a relationship, it's been really bugging me ever since I turned 20.
     
    #1 BearLover, Sep 28, 2013
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2013
  2. PyroSpark

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    You should definitely just go and find someone new, imo. It seems like a pretty bad situation to begin with.


    But this is just one random opinion and take it with a grain of salt. A very small grain.
     
  3. Lexington

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    I'd say it's very likely you fulfill one very specific role in his life - you make him feel "wanted" in a sexual way. Probably in addition to other ways, but most notably the sexual. It sounds like when he's gotten his "fill", if you will, then he stops the flirting and starts pushing you away. And after awhile, he misses it, and starts turning on the charm again.

    After two years, nothing has happened. He's still with his wife. Chances that something WILL come of it are pretty much zero. It's very common to sort of grasp on to less-than-ideal relationships (or even less-than-ideal POTENTIAL relationships), especially when it's your first one. Because you're used to him, and the idea of starting from scratch can be somewhat despairing. But this has absolutely every indication of being a dead end. Break it off, and start looking elsewhere. :slight_smile:

    Is there a reason you specifically want a relationship with a girl...even though you've seemed to be quite besotten with this particular guy?

    Lex
     
  4. BearLover

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    His wife has some kind of disability so I doubt he has sex with her anymore. I think he wants to use me for sex but he gets upset when I ignore him so I think he loves me but is hurt. I heard him talking about marriage to another person at work, he said something like it was just an institution, so I don't know if he wants to stay married. But as he has a family I think he will never leave them. When I leave this job I hope I never see him again, I feel completely heartbroke.
     
  5. Momosboy

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    Run. Run away, and don't look back. He's married, for one, so it's adultery. For two, he's lying to you, and I hate it when lovers lie. Third, he's stealing your life. Make the right choice, BL. For your sake.
     
  6. Californiacoast

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    There are too many gay guys in the world to waste your time with guys who are not available and playing games. MOVE ON. ;-)
     
  7. BearLover

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    I couldn't really care if it's adultery as I'm an atheist. But yes I'll move on.
     
  8. Werbinich

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    Nah, adultery is more of a morality problem than just a theological one. However, I'm glad that you had decided to move on. Time will cure though it might leave behind a scar and there are a lot more other guys available your age. Go and explore the world. What you'll find would certainly surprise you.

    Hugs and Good Luck!
     
  9. BearLover

    BearLover Guest

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    I'm not interested in young men and I don't think I'm interested in young women but I'll try. Their is no way I'm dating a young man, I've never been interested in that. I want to find myself another fat old man like him but I think it will be hard and their won't be many that are looking for young men. This feels like I've missed a once in a lifetime opportunity, to be be with an older man.
     
  10. Californiacoast

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    Bearlover, I am certain it feels that way. Like it is so difficult to find our type, then when we do and lose it, it can be devestating! However, I have been to a gay club in Denver, Colorado, called the Wrangler on a Sunday where 500 bears and bear chasers were there. There were many older, bigger guys talking to younger guys! Just an example, but frankly, I think it is more common than you think. Cheer up!
     
  11. BearLover

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    I'm not sure whether he is playing games or not, whenever we fall out it is usually when I stop talking to him, I blank him out after the times he shouts at me for when i'm doing the job wrong. I think he is scared to tell me that he loves me, I went in his office and put my hand on his shoulder, I could see the nerves in his face. I've seen him nearly cry when I've hurt him before, he said that he didn't care how I felt about him and then his voice went, he was upset. In the past when he has tried to get closer to me by putting his hand on my hip, by grabbing my arm, he held my hand before when we made up and he always slaps me playfully. I wanted to get closer to him but I was unsure how he'd react, I put my hand on the top of his back one time and then he turned around to smack me in the ear unplayfully. I think that it might just be his nerves that stop him from being with me because I have felt this way too, he asked me if I thought he was handsome and I said no but he is, i've pushed him away when he's got close because I was nervous. He did give me a lot of attention in the beginning but I rejected him, I was too scared of anyone knowing I liked older men, maybe he is scared of being seen as gay and into younger men.