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Worried about my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sesshomaru, Sep 29, 2013.

  1. Sesshomaru

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    My bf and i have been together for six months now. Somewhere around 2 months after we officially got together in May, we hit a bump which nearly caused us to break up completely. It turns out his ex that he was with for a year right after he moved out here (he's from another state) hadn't moved on yet and was jealous that my bf had moved on even after telling him he was going to. My bf says he still has feeling for the guy as they're still close friends but nothing sexual whatsoever. The only problem with this being at one point my bf wanted to break up with me to give his ex another chance. We actually did kind of break up as well seeing as how he said we couldn't have sex or do any kind of touching for about a week until he got his head together. In the end he says he chose me, though still do this day he's kind of...hiding me. His friends other than the ones that are close with his ex know that we're together but we're not allowed to talk on Facebook or anything. No comments or anything. We still have each other added and one day he ended up in the hospital after passing out and since I stayed the entire night by his side and refused to go to school that day or go home he put up a picture of himself in his room and I commented on our drinks to which he later told me he had to cover up to his ex. It really irked me that someone that calls me their boyfriend still doesn't feel completely comfortable just even mentioning to his ex that we're together. I mean we're damn near living together. I'm at his place every night maybe a good 4-5 days out the week and we spend a lot of time together but it just seems to me that he values his ex's feelings over mine which really gets me down since he was completely ready to break up with me to jump back into a relationship with him with no problems at all, but he doesn't have the courage to even just tell his ex we're dating.

    I've brought all of this up to him and he's been saying that he was going to finally just tell his ex we're together yet it's been 3 months now and he still hasn't. After wanting to spend the day with him yesterday we went out for a bit then he told me he had to take me home and that tomorrow he was going to Universal Studios with friends. I put two and two together with the friends since they're really his ex's friends and he caved and told me he's going with his ex as well. I'm fine with someone being friends with an ex, but this is really starting to bother me. I constantly tell him that it does and so far it hasn't done much. He's said he's tried telling him and just that he gets close but can never say it. His main reason for this is that he's scared it'll end their friendship. He recently told me too that he ex has made "advances" towards him but he's turned them all down since the whole pseudo-breakup which is what made me really start worrying. I trust him, but my gut feels something is wrong after yesterday.

    What do you guys think I should do from here? We had a small talk about it before he dropped me off at home which just ended in me not talking to him until later that night. We never even have disagreements which is why this is seriously bothering me now.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    I find it significant that you don't have disagreements...not about anything? Really? After six months and all that time together, I would expect there to be at least one disagreement...

    To me a disagreement shows that something is cared about, that one is willing to stand up for something because it is felt to be important, or it's something that will affect the future of a relationship.

    I get a sense that he is perhaps biding his time until his ex sees the light... Everything you wrote suggests to me that you are there merely to fill the loneliness, and not because he loves you. He is trying to keep his options open, not realizing what he has already with you as a friend...someone who cares, obviously.

    That you don't disagree on anything suggests to me that he is probably trying to keep this as superficial and as hidden as possible...this is extraordinarily unfair to you and very damaging to any relationship...I would seriously consider ending it, no one can tolerate this for very long...
     
  3. Lexington

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    It's understandable that the ex is upset about losing his boyfriend. And it's actually fine that the boyfriend wants to make sure the ex isn't overly injured by him now dating somebody else.

    But to the degree that you're not allowed to post about stuff on Facebook, or befriend his friends? I mean, it doesn't sound like you're posting "HE'S MINE NOW BACK OFF" or anything.

    What specifically is the ex thinking, or supposed to think? That your boyfriend is still single? That he still has a shot at getting back together with him? Because it sounds like that's the impression he wants the ex to have. And if that's true, how is that helping? "I'll string him along for another year or so until he suddenly decides he actually isn't going to get back together with me"? Or does he specifically want his ex to think he's available...because he wants to be available?

    I'd say this bizarre wall needs to come down. Tell him that six months is plenty, and you need to stop being a secret from his friends. You can make it clear that you won't say or do anything to annoy them, and you won't act possessive or territorial around his ex or his friends. But there's no reason to keep these two parts of his world separate anymore.

    Lex
     
  4. Sesshomaru

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    We don't disagree on anything in the sense that there's never been anything that we couldn't just work out. The only things that have caused problems between us is just this thing with his ex. He doesn't hide me from all of his friends, but there are a few he won't allow me to meet because they're good friends with his ex as well.

    The thing that bugs me though is his ex flat out told him he didn't want a relationship which is why my bf left him. And when he moved on to me his ex suddenly wanted to be together and I'm thinking now that my bf might actually buy into it.

    As of now his ex still thinks he's single and thinks that he and I have broken up. I've met a few of his friends and so far they all love me. One even happens to have quite a big crush on me =P

    Another thing that's bothered me is I can't have any contact with him on Facebook but his ex is allowed to. The closest we've come to an argument is I saw his ex tagged him at some wine place they both like and turns out went to together and I kinda blew up on him that I have to stay hidden yet his ex is free to do as he pleases.
     
  5. GirlWhoWaited

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    I was in a very similar situation once. I agree with greatwhale. He's keeping his options open. My advice: RUN. LIKE. ZOMBIES. You don't need this.
     
  6. Lexington

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    Consider my last paragraph repeated. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  7. Sesshomaru

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    Zombies don't tend to run very fast =P But I get your point. It looks like I'll have to sit him down and try getting it through to him again. I just realized too after posting everything here that he has yet to reply to any of my texts since this morning because he's with his ex, which also dawned on me that he always does this and I hadn't realized it. Thanks for the advice and support as always everyone :slight_smile:
     
  8. Sesshomaru

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    Update: Well I talked to him about it again to try convincing him to realize just how much it bothers me and again just got the same response that he's trying =/
     
  9. GirlWhoWaited

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    Clarification: I meant that I would run as though zombies were chasing me, although...the drag-limp-groan might be more fun. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: On a serious note, if you really want to try to make it work, I suggest asking him for a time frame. This situation is terribly unfair to you as it is now. He's trying not to hurt his ex? What about his current relationship? You need to lay down some guidelines here. (*hug*)
     
  10. penguin machine

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    The guy needs to show you that you're relevant and your relationship is real. You're dating him, and that relationship is alive, and growing, right now. If his ex can't deal with it that is the ex's problem, not your boyfriend's, and not yours. If he's not being honest with the ex he doesn't respect him. And if he's not being honest about you, he's not respecting you. The solution is simple. He has to be honest to the ex and grow up. He can't spend your whole relationship protecting someone else. That's ludicrous, it wastes your time, and all it does is build a bigger bomb between himself and the ex he's trying to protect. That, or he's just lying to you and he's a douche. But I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt based on what you've said.
     
  11. Sesshomaru

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    Our time frame for it originally was supposed to be a week. Seeing as how it's now been 3 months, that didn't really work out. I really want to somehow get across to him just how much this bothers me but every attempt seems to fall on deaf ears. It's getting to the point now I don't even really want to be around him.
     
  12. penguin machine

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    I just think you deserve better. You're not earning this case of swept-under-the-rug-boyfriend, it's being imposed on you by someone you should be able to trust. I think you actually need to confront him. I'd say it might be wise to put together your argument into a coherent, reasoned statement first. You're not being respected when he pretends you don't exist, and he's actively damaging that trust by excluding you and including hi ex in his life. Friends is one thing, but this guy is subverting the whole relationship to keep something alive with someone he split with a lot time ago.
     
  13. Sesshomaru

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    Well I confronted him two nights ago (the 3rd, it's now just after midnight for me so it's now the 5th) and we had to go see Gravity tonight after I got off work at 11. A friend of mine passes by work just as I was getting off and said hi and did I have plans for the night. I said yes with my bf and she tells me “Huh? Isn't he at the movies right now?" I was completely baffled not just that he was at the movies but how did she also know and she told me to check Facebook. Seems not only did he go see a different movie, he also went to see said movie with two friends and his ex. I texted him casually asking was he still on his way and he told me he was at the movies, but only with two friends. He completely didn't mention his ex being with him. Needless to say this relationship might be ending soon :frowning2: I sent him a kinda nasty/mean text afterwards. We'll probably talk tomorrow.
     
  14. sounds like you need to leave him tbh, i dont mean to sound rude or mean. hes lying to you and you cant have that in a relationship. if hes blwoing your 'already made' plans off to be with his ex randomly thats a red flag imo cause what else is he doing you dont know about? not saying he needs to tell you everything but a general hi cant make our diner or w/e tonight would of been nice. but he didnt do that.

    talk to him and i hope it goes well, just know it wasnt your fault though you were honest that is valued in a realtionship.
     
  15. Chip

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    I'm usually not this direct but... the relationship is pretty much already over, at least from his perspective. He's not giving you an answer, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too, and he's not being authentic with you.

    You deserve better. I suggest that it is time to move on, and find someone who genuinely cares about you and isn't holding onto a former relationship. Honestly, I would suggest that even if he begs and pleads and promises that you're the only one... the fact that he's waited so long, and particularly that he was inauthentic about going to the movies with his ex... pretty much tells you that he isn't treating the relationship, and you, with the deserved respect.