First post on here, so hopefully I'm doing this right. Recently, I (A pre-T, pre-surgery questioning ftm) met up with a long distance girlfriend of almost a year. Previously I had been informed by many I'm huge. Not in weight, I'm very skinny due to a fast metabolism, but in bone structure. I've even had a few girls tell me I'm so big I'm scary. My last checkup, I measured 5'8, that was over a year ago and I've grown since then. I'm 15. I pass easily since I naturally have a very masculine face. I used to be very proud of my masculinity but now I feel like it was all fake. We meet up, she comes in (she's 5'7, at least that's what she told me) and she's sort of...towering. Even the friend I had with me commented on how tall she was. My spine snapped and my heart sunk and I realised: This girl is way bigger than me. But she's gorgeous, and I don't care. I don't feel threatened, I know I'm manly and I'm confident she'll think so too. I cross my fingers, because this girl only dates men taller and stronger than her. She looks shocked and disappointed. She teases me about being shorter, then takes a pair of heels off to find we're the same height. I stare, and I already feel depressed because I know she's freaking out. I'm freaking out too. The rest of the time spent with her that day is fine. She doesn't mention it, I feel like she doesn't care, I sigh in relief and we spend all night cuddled up to each other watching movies. The next day is fun. For a few hours. Then she pulls this sour face, grabs my hand, and compares how thin and bony my fingers are compared to hers. She's not big, but she has meat on her bones and she then gets angry and I have to talk her back to happiness in a bathroom full of people because she's so upset I'm smaller. She then admits she believes that anyone that small must be a twink. Also, anyone as big as her apparently must be more of a man. I'm hurt, but I respect her opinion and only clarify I'm not going to be shacking up with any top girls or guys anytime soon. She's happy again and we spend the rest of the day holding hands and meeting my friends. Next day (today) is our last day together for a little while. We're depressed and can't seem to get any alone time and despite my mom's promise to give us some we end up with a mother following us around angrily the whole time asking when she plans to leave. We get alone time and she cries, because she'll miss me, because my mother is very rude to her, and because...I'm too short. I fight my mother off long enough to comfort her and make sure she's happy again before we both have to leave and try our best to see eachother again soon. Everything is okay for a few hours. It's miraculous, and gives me time to calm down from the depression set on me from having to watch her go. Then everything goes to hell when I call her and she starts screaming and crying about how I'd find her more attractive if she were short, how I should date someone shorter, and how she can never feel safe with a man that's so small. I continuously(and still am) assure her I think she's perfect and I don't mind at all, that she's plenty safe with me, and I'm stronger than my thinned frame suggests(Which wasn't a lie). Is there anyway I can patch this up? I know it'll heal over time, but like any cut it needs a bandaid and some Neosporin to protect it while it heals. I've already assured her if she feels she needs to leave, I won't trash her in any way. TLDR: Lived my life convinced due to outside influences that I'm huge and manly. Meet up with ldr girlfriend and she thinks I'm girly as fuck and feels I could never protect or dominate her how she likes.
I think you're getting way to insecure because of one person. And she sounds pretty insecure herself.
Yes, she's very insecure, even going to therapy for it. I know I'm getting worked up over it, but I have a lot of dysphoria issues and it kind of...dug them up, I guess you could say. And...after the year we had been together online we had grown fairly close and were hoping meeting in person would seal the deal. I'll get over it eventually, my ego is just bruised, but my main issue is making sure she either gets over it or gets over me.
