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Being the bread winner

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GLBear, Oct 1, 2013.

  1. GLBear

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    Hello forums.

    I hate for my first post to be asking for advice, but I am hoping someone out there has been through a similar situation and is willing to share.

    My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. We have a little boy together and he has truly made life wonderful. The problem I am facing is that I cannot convince my wife to take getting a job again seriously since our son was born. He is 1 now.

    Out of the 5 years that we have been married, she has only worked for 2 years. A year after we were married, we moved out of state and it took her over a year to find a new job. It wasn't that big of a deal. Money was really tight, but we made it. Then just a year into her job, we decided to have a baby. She was put on disability by her doctor very early in her pregnancy for safety reasons and she hasn't worked since. Her disability expired over a year ago.

    Every time I bring up the subject, she is full of excuses. She claims to be waiting for a job in her field. The problem is, she works in a very limited field. There simply aren't a lot of jobs out there for what she does. We cannot afford to live on just my income any longer. We have exhausted our resources, but she still won't get a job outside of her field.

    It is not like I don't get wanting to work in a specific industry. I put myself through graduate school so that I could specialize in a particular type of work, but sometimes we all have to make sacrifices in order to stay ahead in life. I worked at a job I hated for the first 3 years of our relationship, just to make ends meet. Now I am working at a job I like, but that isn't in "my field" of expertise because that was the best thing for our family. I am baffled that my wife is unwilling to make the same sacrifices that I make for our financial stability.

    I am growing increasingly resentful over all of this. We fight all the time. We do manage to stay positive and happy in front of the baby, but as soon as he goes to bed the hostilities begin. I often cannot believe how angry I am getting at her. I say and feel the meanest things. I regret talking to her the way I do, but I am just so frustrated and stressed out that the words just come out. Up until recently we never fought. We have always gotten along so well. We never have spoken to each other the way we do now.

    I decided last night that I would move into the spare bedroom because I just couldn't stand the fighting anymore. All I want is for her to step up the plate, pull her own weight, and make the same kind of sacrifices for our future that I do. I don't know how to convince her how important it is that she gets a job. I have tried showing her our budget with all our assets and expenses cleared spelled out so she could see the giant minus sign next to our annual income. It hasn't helped.

    I am so stressed out and completely out of ideas.
     
  2. DoriaN

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    I was in the exact same thing except with my ex-gf so we were not married but were living together for a year.

    Also welcome to EC I suppose aha.

    It ended up with me kicking her out after the last straw broke the camel's back. She cost me thousands of dollars but it was a hard lesson learned.

    Your situation is a lot more involved though... however my mindset is of yours, so all I could say is maybe grab her and talk in-front of some close friends/family to hopefully show her some outside views. It might help give insight to both of you.

    Hope it all works out.
     
  3. GLBear

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    I have considered talking to her mother about all this and seeing if she could lend some perspective, but I am not sure yet if it is a good idea. We have a firm "no airing dirty laundry" policy and I worry that bringing other people into the situation will add fuel to the fire. Plus, I frankly don't want her mom to feel like she is then empowered to stick her nose in our business whenever she wants. She can be really pushy.

    I think bringing my parents into the situation will make her feel like she is being cornered too much.

    It is definitely an option I am keeping on the table, i'm just not sure if I want to go there yet.
     
  4. Double Eagle

    Double Eagle Guest

    My ex married me knowing I was handicapped but didn't have plans to care for the two of us so, we're divorced. Now I'm looking for someone handicapped to match below poverty funds with so that neither one of us will be put out due to the others lack of abilities. Equality!
     
    #4 Double Eagle, Oct 1, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2013
  5. June Cleaver

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    She sounds like me a bit. I am simply a housewife and that is it. It might be now that she has a kid it makes her want to be a stay at home mommy or homemaker. My partner has the job. I have a busy life cooking, cleaning, and doing the daily list of things he wants done. We are happy just like it is, but that is us. Your situation is different of course as we get by on our money. Is there no way to trim the fat so to speak and get back into the green without her getting a job? If not than you will just have to wake her up to the reality that your going in the red and times are getting harder by letting a few things get shut off or something equally drastic. Maybe she might need to re-school herself for a different job. At any rate you don't sound like you have much choice coming up. June
     
  6. greatwhale

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    It must be very frustrating dealing with this situation.

    Before going to the issue of her not having a job, can I ask whether she's pulling her weight with regard to childcare, housekeeping, etc.? Assuming that she is, have you run through the numbers with regard to what it would cost in childcare, clothing, transportation and the myriad other costs associated with her having a job?

    Discovering these employment-related costs can be quite a shock. It may cause you to think that she should have an income that comfortably meets those costs.

    Sometimes what we think is the problem, is something else...is your wife anxious about finding and keeping a job? What worked when she did get that job? It's easy, once you are convinced that you know what the problem is (her not having a job) to slip into blame mode. That's when the defenses come up (hers). Money is a very emotional issue for most people, but taking money seriously means separating it from emotion. We may think we are a money-obsessed culture, but, in fact, we don't take money seriously enough. Do you really know, down to the cent, how much you really need?

    Have you thought about the value of having your wife there full-time with your son rather than the opportunity cost of her lack of income? Have you thought that maybe, just maybe, you would like to spend that kind of time with him too? And that maybe, just maybe, that may be part of the resentment?

    I don't know your situation, of course. But it's a familiar story. The best I can suggest is counseling before things get worse. Believe me, without a significant attempt from both of you to figure out why things are the way they are; things will get worse. Trust me.

    Welcome to EC, GLBear!