At a complete low point (just broke up)

So yesterday my boyfriend said that we're definitely breaking up rather than having a break. After a 11 month relationship which has given me some of the happiest moments in my entire life all the way up to last month. Unfortunately there was a difficult side to the relationships. Problems started happening after 6 months. My ongoing "fake closetedness" to family (a long story in itself...basically I need to pretend I am trying to turn straight in order to get money from them to fund my education), along with slight changes after the honeymoon period led to me to especially become really insecure, expect too much affection & whatnot. Along with this being with him made me feel so comfortable and at home...it really felt like this is it...I had found the one to have my family with...but i'm 21 & he's 19. So that freaked me out...the level of intensity & commitment I was feeling, I felt like I could never explore at all as he's my first boyfriend (and I am his too). So since our 6th month we would have almost weekly arguments about these issues...so 1 day a week, the other 6 we'd be very happy. But over time as these arguments got worse in intensity it started doing irreparable damage to our feelings for one another...and it culminated in a fight last saturday. Our "fights" aren't like the shouting, swearing kind....they are more of the soul crushing discussions kind. Maybe with a different person it would've worked better. But I think I at times tried to make my boyfriend someone who he's not.

The regret kills me, as we had something very special. He gave astounding amounts of love & support in my darkest moments last year. Someone else would've just run away from me. But he stayed. Because of how close we became & how much we enjoy time carrying out common interests we're staying good friends. But it's hard...while he says his love pretty much gone now...mine is still there albeit a small amount. And we both feel maybe a few years down the line we can actually make it work..once we have both matured more, are more ready for this level of commitment & all the family stresses surrounding my life have settled down.

Anyway such was the story of my first love.

There's also the continuing huge family stress, along with my course being difficult to concentrate in (I'm in the clinical years of medicine (year 3)...so it's very hectic & busy) and being in a boring backwaters town with nothing to do.

It just seems like I am at a complete & utter low! The only good side is my friends are very supportive & know about all that I've said...so it's not hidden from them. But in the past year I isolated myself from them as me & my boyfriend (well ex-boyfriend now ) kind of just spent ALL our time together. So it's weird being close & with them all the time again...I just don't enjoy it as much.

*sigh* ...just had to vent. I just don't know what to do right now. Feel so miserable

 

So we skyped today. I really needed full closure so I needed him to say it all again & I needed to say stuff to him. It was really hard . We decided to not talk for a bit and stick to just FB messages. I'm going down to see him later this month...not sure if its a good idea or not.

Been rummaging through self help books & youtube videos all day. Feel ready to sleep now...hope tomorrow goes better!

Thanks for the hug!! *hugs back*

Yeah we both knew we can never ever stop being friends. We understand each other better than anyone else in the world & have strikingly similar interests. I guess I'm just afraid it'll be harder to get over him due to this... and I guess also if we got so comfy as friends then any chances of getting back together in the far future go. But I guess life aint that simple!

I guess the first love/relationship is so fueled by hormones & experiences we never experience that we end up having very high expectations of the other/fanatastical ideas which slowly get in touch with reality. And then a kind of meltdown can occur. Maybe that's it haha.

Thanks for the post. Yeah getting into work will be the best thing to do. I guess with everything so recent and being sad all the other problems in life just light up much more too. I'll try to do all that!