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how to explain that this didn't dictate my sexuality

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CharlieHK, Oct 6, 2013.

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  1. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    So a close horrible secret of mine is that when I was 13, I was raped.

    And after three years of self blame and torment, I decided to tell my mother about it.

    Like any parent she was horrified and felt like shit, and of course she wanted me to go into detail about the attack, and I did go into as much detail as possible without upsetting myself. (I have numbed myself pretty well now, I even tell rape jokes to keep people unsuspecting, I know, very insensitive, and paranoid).

    She immediately went on to the whole "well this describes why you are so fluid about gender-" and I had to stop her right there because I know that stereotype all to well. "She was raped, so she only likes girls because some man hurt her". Well in my case it'd be girls and trans* (MtF or FtM). But I still say that's a horrible stereotype.

    TL;DR I was raped, told my mom, she has decided it's the reason for my sexual preferences.

    Here are my questions. And if you can only answer one, that's fine, I just need some outside advice.

    1. How do I explain that sexual abuse doesn't always dictate sexuality and or sex?

    2. Should I seek outside help? (School counselor, private therapist, ect)

    3. Has anyone else ever been in this boat, or faced a similar stereotype?

    Additional information:
    I'm physically female.
    I've been in a relationship for over a year now.
    Junior in highschool.
    I don't want to take legal action against my attacker. I want to move on.

    -Charlie
     
    #1 CharlieHK, Oct 6, 2013
  2. Nick07

    Nick07
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    First of all, I am very very sorry. :frowning2: I can imagine how your mother was feeling.

    How to explain... Do you really have to? Even at LGBT boards you can read thread about that, so it's probably hard to understand it. You can try logic: if a man attacks a girl, she will become a lesbian. If a MAN attacks a boy, he will prefer GUYS? That doesn't make much sense.

    I have never heard about someone doubting their gender because of an attack. Your mom probably doesn't understand your questioning something so essential as your gender, so she seeks simple answers.

    The therapy... I am afraid that it is possible that you buried all sorrow to protect yourself, and one day it will cause you problems. The question is if you should open the Pandora box now, or wait. It's up to you, but I am afraid that it WILL bite you back if you don't address it and don't process the trauma.

    Did it feel right to share it with your mom? Does your partner know?

    big (((hug))) for you
     
    #2 Nick07, Oct 6, 2013
  3. resu

    resu
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    You should definitely seek outside help. Your mom does not have experience dealing with this, hence her somewhat understandable logic about your sexuality being tied to the abuse. In any case, you should just be calm and say that nothing changed you about your sexuality before or after the rape, and make sure to say that you're not afraid of men because of this incident.

    I think you should still consider legal action.
     
    #3 resu, Oct 6, 2013
  4. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    @Nick07

    Yes my partner is aware, I had a breakdown about it and it was an extremely tense week of just ah. She was the first person I told and it is she who wants me to talk to someone.

    And I fear Pandora's box as well, my main concern is my father, this would destroy him and I know it.

    @resu

    My big concern is my father finding out, I'm not saying he wouldn't be strong, I'm just saying he'd take it hard, and things between us would never be the same, and I don't want to hurt the relationship we have. So legal action is out until I'm at least 18.

    And you do bring up the point that my mother is in no way capable of handling this. She can't look me in the eye and she seems more depressed than me about it. Which makes me regret telling her...I know she doesn't mean to make it worse...but it does.

    Thank you both for the advice.
     
    #4 CharlieHK, Oct 7, 2013
  5. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    I understand your feelings as I too have been raped once and date raped once too and have never told anybody who knows me. I have talked about it on here a few times. I can tell you it was not your fault and I have the same fear of family or friends never looking at me the same again and Mike my partner would never understand if he knew a man of a different race has taken me, I know it would disgust him! I still feel disgusting and dirty just thinking about it. I have a hard time looking at men of his race or his job without being fearful of them. For me once I could move again as I was beaten up pretty badly and blood was everywhere in the area it happened, I sat in the shower trying to get the dirty feeling off of me. That much I do remember about it as it happened 5 years ago. Did you feel dirty too and like you could not get clean? I did tell my Dr. and went through STD tests in fear of catching something as he did not stop to wear protection and exposed me to him. Did you get checked out?

    17 years ago I was date raped as well after being drugged, then the event was videoed and showed to other friends which was beyond embarrassing for me, but I was asleep through that one so I don't have any feeling about that one but anger.

    So I am in the same boat, only nobody knows about it because I just can't tell them. I am a Trans-woman who is straight. I still love men as the experience has not changed the sex I am attracted to or that I am a woman. Your mom just can't understand your feelings on this one without getting help herself. You might suggest she get counseling to help her understand your needs better. If you have any particular questions or want to compare feelings or something like that, ask away! June
     
    #5 June Cleaver, Oct 7, 2013
  6. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    @June

    No I have not been check out, but I am very hygienic when it comes to health down there, and I plan to get check out on my own terms, not with my parents knowledge.

    And no matter how many showers I've taken I still feel dirty. I don't think that mentality will ever go away for me.

    When I did tell my partner things did change, but in a good way, she understands my flinching and fears now and if I need to talk to her I sorta can, but all she can really do is hug me and tell me she loves me. Which is beyond comfort. But like my mother, she is no therapist.

    Rape is never the victim's fault, but every victim feels that way to some extent. A harsh reality.
     
    #6 CharlieHK, Oct 8, 2013
  7. fortheloveoflez

    fortheloveoflez
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    You can provide the example that a lot of survivors who have been attacked by the opposite gender are still heterosexual. You can also note that, yes, this is true as well...but I know lesbians who've gotten sexually abused by women (NOT men) AFTER they come out and guess what, they're still lesbians.

    But then again, why is she so pinpointed at finding a "cause" of your orientation? So what if a certain event caused or didn't cause you to be this way? The point is that you are who you are now, and that's that.
     
    #7 fortheloveoflez, Oct 8, 2013
  8. Lexington

    Lexington
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    "I was not a straight woman who got raped, and therefore turned into a pansexual. I was a pansexual who got raped. End of story."

    It sounds like you might benefit from therapy, so I'd definitely look into it. But make it clear you're looking for somebody to help you come to grips with what happened, not "get you back to being straight".

    Lex
     
    #8 Lexington, Oct 8, 2013
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