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She's assuming i'm in love with her just because i'm bisexual?!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by applepie, Oct 7, 2013.

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  1. applepie

    applepie
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    So I came out to my best female friend, and the first thing she said was that she was okay with it. Then she made it clear that she was straight. I made it clear that I had no feelings for her. End of story, or so I thought.

    Well my best guy friends talks to her sister sometimes, and apparently she isn't sure of our friendship anymore because she thinks I'm in love with her.

    Now, I'm not completely trusting this because my best guy friend has some issues (huge drama queen) and its second hand information. However, she had mentioned a few times before that she was uncomfortable around lesbians and wouldn't want one to have a crush on her.

    I think its a bit far fetched for her to just assume that I'm in love with her like that, right? Since I told her I wasn't?

    Well I was hoping someone here could give me some advice on how to handle the situation...
     
    #1 applepie, Oct 7, 2013
  2. BookDragon

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    Depends if you feel like tackling it head on or waiting until something goes pear-shaped!

    If it were me, I'd leave it until she starts acting strange rather than worrying about what the guy who knows the sister of the girl or whatever says, then make it clear that you're not into her. But that's just me...
     
    #2 BookDragon, Oct 7, 2013
  3. applepie

    applepie
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    Thanks! I'm thinking I'll just wait until the topic comes up on its own, but I'm still not sure exactly what I'd say :/
     
    #3 applepie, Oct 7, 2013
  4. ClosetedFather

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    So I was concerned about what my best friend might think when I come out to her. We are very close, its not uncommon for us to sleep in the same bed when traveling together. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. He is not my type so if this concern came up... I would keep it simple and throw it out there.
     
    #4 ClosetedFather, Oct 9, 2013
  5. BookDragon

    BookDragon
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    Well you could be stand-offish and say "Dude, you are SO not my type! Not everyone wants to bang you!" but I wouldn't recommend it! xD

    If she brings it up, just point out that you just don't feel anything sexual...realistically there isn't a huge amount of difference (although I'm sure someone feels differently) between feelings for a best friend and for someone you love, you're looking for similar things. You just need to make it clear that you're not going to try and jump her in the night.

    She might try and suggest that she's worried that you'll be turned on or something or it feels weird being 'touchy-feely' or however you describe actual physical contact between you. Just make sure she understands that in the same way she wouldn't get massively uncontrolably aroused from every guy she sees, you won't with every girl.
     
    #5 BookDragon, Oct 9, 2013
  6. wanderinggirl

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    Ew. How conceited.

    JK, she's probably just never been in this situation before. You could either:
    a) be confrontational: say something like "listen, i don't want this to be weird. do you think that I might have a crush on you? because i just want you to know that, no offense, but you're totally not my type. You mean a lot to me as a friend, and i hope this doesn't change that."
    b) be indirect: "ooh you know who's hot? rachel maddow. i just love short hair on a girl." or something along those lines to make it clear you're not into girls like her. or if she's like "so do you think XYZ is hot?" "nah, she's straight, i'm not into that." or something. but the key here is to be genuine. i would only use this with a friend i was not very close with.

    Anyways, I hope all is not lost here. it's also easy to be paranoid that a friend might not like you anymore, when really it might just take her some getting used to. It's hurtful to hear this about your friend, whom you trusted with this information, and now she's making it about her vanity and is not actually there for you. But I think it'd be good to talk to her about it instead of relying on third party information.

    And if she's genuinely biphobic, keep in mind: "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
     
    #6 wanderinggirl, Oct 9, 2013
  7. applepie

    applepie
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    Well guys, thanks for replying! I talked to her last night (not exactly a direct confrontation though.) It was me, her, and another friend. I mentioned that my guy friend had been telling me stuff about how they didn't accept my sexuality or didn't want to be my friend anymore. Both of them assured me that they were okay with my sexuality and wanted to stay friends :slight_smile: I DID make sure to slip in that neither of them were my type, just to be sure :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I felt in a similar situation because me & her would joke about running away together and stuff, so I didn't want her to think I was serious :astonished:

    This is really good advice, and im going to make sure i save it on my computer in case this ever comes up again! thank you! I really wanted to say that she's not as attractive as she thinks she is, but since she didn't actually say anything about it to me, I think that'd be bad haha.


    Not going to lie, "conceited" was actually the first thing that came to mind. She's a redhead so i might find a way to mention that redheads aren't my type. I was indirect about it, but i think i did the right thing because i dont exactly trust the guy who told me that she said it. It is the first time she's had a not-straight friend so im cutting her some slack :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: That quote at the end is my favorite :slight_smile: and I'm also saving this for future reference because it's awesome advice :slight_smile:
     
    #7 applepie, Oct 9, 2013
  8. Mysz

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    Seems like the hard part is over! You still will probably have to insinuate that you aren't their type every so often, but not as a direct confrontation. You got that part over with =) it'll remain in jokes and in light conversation. I had to get over that stage with my straight best friend, and now that she's comfortable that I am no way attracted to her, we can say "I love you" without it being awkward. (It also helps that I'm supposed to find her a husband :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) Be relaxed and more open about your sexuality with your friends. It'll make "my friend who's bisexual" turn into "my friend".
    Congrats!
     
    #8 Mysz, Oct 9, 2013
  9. mvjp

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    i got that sort of thing a surprising amount when i first started coming out and i just say to people when you thought i was straight you didnt assume i fancied all men so now you know i like girls too why would you think i fancy all women - i love my friends but that doesnt mean i am IN love with them :slight_smile:
     
    #9 mvjp, Oct 9, 2013
  10. applepie

    applepie
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    Thanks!! I actually think the hardest part was figure out how to come out to her in the first place, but then one of my other friends kind out outed me to her, and its been getting progressively better from there. I think she's just taking her time getting used to it. We used to say "I love you" but I stopped as soon as I realized I was bisexual.

    I've never thought about it that way, but that makes so much sense. This is the best advice Ive gotten in a long time, i think it will really help :slight_smile: I've been trying though, i came out to two friends last night, while we were at a tennis match and a bunch of people could hear :grin:
     
    #10 applepie, Oct 9, 2013
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