Letter to my mom, to be sent later.

This is the letter that I'm writing to my mom, and I'm just going to put it on the shelf and maybe someday send it to her, when I feel ready.

Spoiler

Mom,

I know you're coming out here tomorrow, and the reason I'm writing you this letter is because I don't know how many more times I'm going to see you again, and to be totally honest, I'm scared shitless. For the record, today is October 10, 2013, and as of today, I have absolutely no idea when you'll actually get to read this letter.

I remember when I was 16 and I told you that I'd been molested as a child, you had later gone on to say that you didn't care if I was gay, or bisexual, or straight. This next part is going to hurt, but I didn't believe you, based on the way you reacted when I told you I was an atheist. I'd worked up so much courage to let that out, to tell you that, and yes, it was on the way home from church, but it took a lot of courage to get that out. And so it took me until I was 18 to even get the courage to write this letter, just to shove it in a drawer and send it maybe years down the road.

I'm gay. And I always have been. Now you've probably gotten mixed signs over the years, and yes, there was a time when I actually thought I was straight. It's kind of ironic that one time about 5 years ago when I bought the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, you had said to me, "You don't want to see half-naked women, do you?" and my response was, "Do you think I'm gay?"

As of this writing I don't know if you'll have a son-in-law by the time you read this. But as of this writing, there is someone that I care very much about. He makes me happier than I've ever been at any point in my life so far. Just thinking about him makes my heart do a flip.

I don't know how you're going to take this. But ever since I moved away, my emotions have been a roller coaster. Lots of hills, lots of flips, and lots of twists and turns. I'm still working on a lot of the issues I have with this family and the emotions I have towards them. I don't want to carry this around my whole life. And something I didn't tell you when I came to visit-I've been in therapy.

I think that about covers it, and no, I couldn't think of a better way to end this letter.

Take care,

AG

 

If you look through the archives, that's the least angry and spiteful letter I've written to my folks yet.