Ex-Boyfriend Problems

Okay to cut a long story short my best friend Joseph and I met our first year of university and became inseparable. We did everything together and I mean everything and eventually we got together and became boyfriends during the time we we’re doing our thesis’ in our final year. Skip ahead over four years and our relationship broke down. For several personal reasons but also he got a job in Christchurch, New Zealand for a year. He went off to New Zealand and we basically ignored each other for a year and half. The break up was one of the most horrendous experiences in my life, I was a mess. I felt like it was the end of the world lol while all my friends and family were like hallelujah! That they never liked him anyway, that he took advantage of me and drained all the life out of me. Looking back I agree but I was head over heels and I’m still oddly found of him for some reason.

Anyway while he was in New Zealand I moved on with my life, finally got a full time job and even eventually stared seeing new people. However since we had the same circle of friends and the fact the gay scene in Dublin is so small we bumped into each other on Eurovision night in one of the gay bars. It was awkward and I hoped he wouldn’t see me but eventually he came over and started up a conversation. It was mostly awkward, forced small talk and him telling me about his time New Zealand but as soon as he walked over to me he was suddenly neck deep in my life again. He crashes on my couch all the time, eats my food, shows up without calling, trashes my place and so on. But we also do lots of things like go out, have dinner or go to the cinema together and stuff like that but it’s not romantic or anything. We just use the term and tell everyone we’re best friends again, which we are I suppose.

What’s different now though is I now have a partner named Sean and we’re very happy and are in the process of getting a new house and mortgage together and therein lies the issue. On my side of things we’ve never lived together so we’re very excited. Sean’s perfectly fine with the fact Joe’s still in my life and in fact they’re friends and have done things together without me like go to football matches and stuff since I’m not interested in that. The problem is since Joe found this out he’s been ignoring Sean and gets really cranky either when Sean’s in our company or I just mention him in conversation. Mutual friends have told me he’s been mouthing him off behind my back. Everyone including myself think he’s just jealous and acting immature about it and we’ve just laughed it off.

Like there’s nothing romantic between us anymore and I definitely have no feelings for him. He’s seen a few people and had a few open relationships too but hasn’t had a committed relationship since me. But then I mentioned passing in conversation that Sean and I we’re talking and that though we’re not ready yet he and we plan to get married and have kids and all that jaz some day or at least that's the direction we're headed. Joe then flipped, threw his cold, half drank cup of tea at me and stormed out of my flat. The first time he threw something at me since we were together. I then got really upset and I’ve been ignoring him since even though he’s been sending me emails, texts, facebook messages, calls and voice messages apologising.

We’re not together and yet he still acts like he owns me. And for some unknown reason I still wait on him hand on foot. It would be different/I’d understand it if we still had romantic feelings for each other but we don’t. I’m happier with Sean then I ever was with Joseph. Heck I even more confidence in myself now and my life as a whole is a hell of a lot better. I might be over reacting but I feel like this is the last straw, that I can’t take it anymore. Sean said he’d support me in whichever decision I make but I’m really contemplating cutting he out of my life altogether. I really don’t know what to do about any of this. Should I tell him I don’t want him in my life anymore? Should we come up with some sort of compromise? Should I just let him keep walking all over me?

Sometimes I wonder are we only friends because we used to be. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason why I have this strange fondness for him is because he was my first everything. The first person I held hands with, kissed, slept with, first boyfriend, heck he was my first best friend.

Ugh! Any insight you have into any of this that would greatly help. I’m in my 20's and I feel like I’m in the middle of some teenage drama. Though I think all I can really do is sit down with Joe and have a mature conversation about this and get everything out in the open.

 

Thanks for your reply and there's been an update since I posted this. Joe sent Sean a text saying that he gave away their tickets for the bohemians game next week. I thought he was joking when he told me but then he showed me his phone. While I was holding the phone Joe sent him another text saying that he didn't want to be friends any more. My initial reaction was laughter as it seemed really childish but then I got upset that Sean was in the middle of this. Sean said he doesn't even want to be friends with him anymore and that I shouldn't be either. He said that he's not going to mind if I don't cut him off but that he rather I did as he's lost his patience with him.

In response to what you said I used to think it was "only friends" until Joe started acting strangely over the last while. He said a few times that he wasn't attracted to me anymore and I believed him until he's started acting like this. But I don't know in not him.

I don't know why I'm still fond of him if I'm honest. As crazy as this sounds he's a really good friend. He won't break your confidence if you tell him something sensitive and he's a really good listener. He's a critical thinker and helps me break down my problems. Apart from Sean I've felt more then comfortable to tell him things I've never even said out loud before. He knows things that Sean doesn't even know. He can be great fun to hang out with too. On the other hand we don't really have much in common when it comes to TV/Books/Movies/Music etc. Sean and I on the other hand are the same person lol.

Sean and I talked after the text today about if I still had feelings for him. I think Sean's getting a bit jealous but he's trying to support me but he's not a great lair. I don't love him thats for sure and I don't want to live/be with him ever again but every now and again when he's cleaned up he can make me swoon. So maybe there's something there. Maybe its just cause he was my first love and everything. I love Joe but I'm in love with Sean if that makes any sense lol When I think of Joe honestly what I think of is how angry I am at him for leaving me and treating me the way he did. From the comments about my weight to the temper tantrums they make me all what to punch him in the face. He's so self centered h'd give Pairs Hilton a run for her money. But then I think of times like when I was so broke I had to turn off the heat/electricity and and skip meals and he'd bring me McDonalds and we'd cuddle to keep warm. Ironically all he does is eat all my food now.

I never thought about the key thing. He does have a key. I'm worried if I ask him to return it he'll refuse and get mad at me. He'll probably throw them at me too. Changing just them seems too callous.

I'm thinking about maybe meeting him for coffee and saying maybe we should just take a break for a while. If its in public then that might be better. He never hits me or anything like that. Still I think it'll just help keep both of us calm. Sean said he'll wait close by but he won't come in. So it doesn't seem like we're ganging up on him cause he'll just get defensive and not listen. I just don't know what to do.