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Why can't I form close relationships?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sitri, Oct 13, 2013.

  1. Sitri

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    To be clear, I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I can't form any close relationships, with anybody. I've always been sort of independent in my family, with two younger brother's I always found it easier not to wait for my parents to get done with them before helping me so I ended up doing a lot by myself. I never seem to get any closer to my friends. I get along well with most people because a) people love to talk about themselves and b) I am usually interested in what they have to say. Despite this my friendships never go anywhere. At lunch, when of of their girlfriends wants to sit down it is always me they ask if I would mind moving. On several occasions the girlfriend never showed up meaning I was exiled for no reason! Then they go and talk about what they did with each other over the weekend while I just sit there, listening quietly. The worst part is, they actually are my friends. It would be easy to say they don't care about me and that I should find a new group, but when I am obviously upset they ask me what's wrong. When I am absent for a few days they express concern over where I was. That means it must be my fault they never invite me anywhere, but I don't know what I did.
     
  2. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    you sound like you have a similar personality to me so maybe i can offer some insight. when you have a really independent personality it can be hard to connect with others, because having a close relationship entails depending on the other person in some form or another, at one time or another. not even in a romantic sense, but even with friends and family; you come to rely on the other for company, emotional support, advice and what have you. the reason i've had a similar struggle to you is because in my book dependence on others is like a cardinal sin. i just don't do it.

    it can get frustrating though because even though i don't like to rely on others i still try and make friends because i can be fairly social once i get to know someone. as for your friends it's likely that you aren't doing anything wrong they're just not quite sure how to relate if they're outgoing and you're more of a sit back and listen type. maybe when they talk about stuff just try doing little things to show that you're more engaged, make small talk etc. maybe that'll help.
     
  3. sarasjenska

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    I know how you feel. I have never been on a date and it feels like all the relationships i've had in my life (family & friends) have been based purely on superficiality and convenience. i've never really felt much of an emotional attachment with anybody. i mean, they're all good people and i wish them happiness etc. but i don't really value our relationship. if i don't see my friends for a while, i don't really miss them, but rather the things we'd used to do when we'd hang out (i guess talking can fall under that bracket, but moreso banter than meaningful conversations). i don't value my relationship with my brothers at all. they are great and kind, but i just don't enjoy being around them, mainly because i can't really relax i guess, even though they are my brothers! and with my parents, the things i value most are probably having a roof over my head and all those little conveniences that they provide for me. i feel like i don't love anybody, even my own family. sure, my self-esteem/confidence is pretty low, but it feels like there's something else missing in me which makes me incapable of feeling emotionally attached to anyone. my family are all trying to support me, but i can't talk to them. when i try (and i have done several times), i only feel worse. it's like there's a distance between us that i can't close.
     
  4. resu

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    I'm often the same way (my MBTI personality type is INTP), friendly with people yet not having close relationships, especially now that I'm far away from my family (my mom and a female cousin who lived nearby were my closets friends).

    However, I'm painfully aware of the reasons why I don't have close friendships. The first is that I never go to parties or to bars/clubs, and so eventually my friends/classmates I made initially when starting school stopped inviting me. The only party I went to last year was when we were hosting prospective students coming for interviews, and a lot of my year's classmates expressed surprise that I actually came for once. The second reason is that most of my interests are solitary, like painting, playing music, or doing archery. So, while some people complain they get bored when being alone, I have often lots of things to do and learn, so I never feel bored. Other friends do stuff like rock-climbing or hiking, which they inevitably do in groups.

    So, I think the main thing is to start small and find an activity that you and some (even one) of your friends like to do, and then do it together. It could even be going out to see some concert or a movie. Definitely, it will still be hard with people who have girlfriends/boyfriends or are married since that takes up most of their attention. Try to find more single people to be around or couples who are both your friends.
     
  5. Californiacoast

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    I agree that activities of shared interests are a great way to build new relationships. Like this weekend, I volunteered at a film festival and met this really cute guy that had finished film school while we were rolling out the red carpet together. Later, in the filmmakers lounge we talked some more, and I got a really good vibe. We will see each other at a wrap party next weekend and I will get digits! This is all just a part of doing fun things together, and now we have a shared experience. If it actually goes somewhere, we can say we met at a film festival instead of a bar! Lol Just an example of how doing activities is a great way to make friends...or lovers!:eek:
     
  6. method

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    Uncanny, you've pretty much described my social life there too! Looks like there are a few of us out there (*hug*)

    One thing which I don't do (and I think is something that would really help to change), is that I don't extend the invitation to others to do things or just hang out. I always am happy to accept invitations, but have never made the effort to organise things myself.

    For those who do make the effort, I think non-reciprocity comes off very negatively (even though we don't see it as an issue at all). At the least, it might make them think we aren't interested in the friendship at all; at worst, we might be perceived as snobbish or lazy.

    In the same vein, rejecting invitations has the same effect but 10x worse. I had to do a lot of that with my overprotective parents not letting me stay over at friends, going to anything that alcohol etc.