I'm in love with my probably straight, maybe gay friend. Help.

Same situation here bro...everyone keeps saying to be direct and tell him. I'm too chicken to do so but I think it's the best thing for you to do. If he's straight, u guys are still close enough to get through the awkward stage.

 

Wow, I can definitely see why you're confused about your friend. I know there are a lot of 'straight' guys who enjoy cuddling and butt-grabbing their friends but he sounds like he's really enjoying it.

I can't tell if he's gay/bi/straight/whatever but I personally would recommend talking to him about it. You seem really close and that final text conversation you shared implies that he would be relatively comfortable if you talked to him about this.

 

I know the feeling of being depressed but also happiest I've ever been at the same time in that kind of situation. I think you should talk to him seriously about it. Tell him there's something you want to talk about, but that you'll only do it if he promises that it won't ruin your friendship or something, then just tell him how you feel and how you're confused.

 

I think that your friendship is stable enough to survive anything. Just ask/tell him or you'll never know whether the feeling is mutual and be in total emotional turmoil. If he likes you, great! If not, I still think that your friendship shall prevail the impact (impact?)

Hugs, and Good Luck!

 

Wow, this "relationship" sounds really special and really intense. You guys are practically dating already.

I'm inclined to take that text conversation at face value. You were serious, and he seemed deadly serious too. "There's nothing actually, if I don't love you back it's my stupid fault. You have so much to give." That seems like an invitation to me. What exactly the invitation is for is hard to say. At the very least, it's an invitation to come out and an affirmation that he would be okay with that. Honestly though, I think it's more than that. I think he might also have feelings for you.

The only way to find out for sure is to have an honest and direct conversation with him. Regardless, I really hope this works out for you.

 

I cannot tell you how similar this is to my situation. I agree with the above statement, but don't do anything you're not comfortable with. It's your life.

 

You can't expect him to be honest with you unless you are also honest with him. I think he already senses that you have feelings for him, so you really just need to confirm that by telling him.

Tell him that you're confused by the intimate nature of your relationship and that you've developed deeper feelings for him. Ask him if those feelings are mutual. Like you said though, you do need to be prepared for the possibilty that he won't be honest with you or that he doesn't have feelings for you. In that case, don't push him. In fact, you should make it clear that you're fine simply being friends (if you are actually okay with that) if he does not reciprocate your feelings.

He's probably struggling with his feelingsr too, so it may take some time. Good luck!

 

You need to tell hi how you feel though, otherwise I Know you will always regret not telling and maybe even start hating yourself for it. I don't, however, suggest you just tell him just like that. Get him alone preferably at your house ( That way he can leave if he's uncomfortable) and just do stuff you'd normally do, catch up with him, and when he initiates the affection or maybe even brings up him thinking, you start. You have to put yourself in a vulnerable place for a few moments, and ask for his trust and support for what you are about to say ( something like: "There's something I've been needing to say for A while, can i trust you to be honest, can i trust you not to hurt or hate me?") that way he can realize you are serious, that he needs to be honest and supportive the next few moments and almost be there for you. Hope this helps. Please fill us in on whats happened or happens.

 

Hes scared to be gay thats why hes suppressing himself and edginhg away from this ,just comfort him the best u can until hes ready to tell you

 

No offence to the above posters, but guys, please stop encouraging him and inciting within him the idea that he is "gay". If he says that he is straight, then you just have to accept that and move on. I don't believe in any of this "in denial-won't accept" fiasco- and usually in the words of Fidel Castro, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I read your whole story, then compared it with not only my own personal experiences, but also that of many other posters, and I can tell you that he sounds 100% straight to me. Why? Because I believe that you are underestimating how deeply two friends can actually care for each other, in a platonic way, without actually being intimately linked.

To me, the whole thing does sound like a running joke, a running joke which on two-three direct occasions as you mentioned, has been placed into question by him the more he realises the inkling hints of your attachment. It just cannot get any more direct than that. If he were gay, or even if he was deeply closeted, he would reciprocate and respond in a way as to not stifle any further efforts from your part. He would initiate more often as opposed to being just on the receiving end of your treatment. With regards to the final text- although yes, it is serious in its nature, I believe there is a stinging poignancy which you are overlooking- he speaks hypothetically, and even in this it is implicitly a rejection of your feelings, as he says that he "would be stupid".

That is my analysis of this whole situation- a situation which I've read far too much upon this forum, and an ongoing situation with myself. I have a straight friend who had at one point, wanted to have feelings for me, but could not because of his orientation. He would do anything for me, and I would do anything for him- and sometimes I forget that this is what is encompassed within the umbrella of deep and true platonic friendship. Nonetheless, it is sad, and I wish it could be in some other way. I confessed my feelings to him over a year ago now, and then subsequently a few other times in the proceeding months. Each time I was rejected more harshly than the last- most of the heartache I experienced was from my own realisation that I needed to move on no matter how difficult it was.

My advice may be a bit controversial and even unorthodox, but I am telling you not to confess your feelings to him until you have truly accepted what is at stake. Friendship, and any relationship to me, is about a delicate balance- a good one is one in which you share and take an equal amount, and you invest and safeguard both mutually an equal amount of emotion. Telling him that you are in love with him will tip the scales to your end- putting more of the emotional gravity on your end- an act which he cannot possibly reciprocate. Furthermore, you must accept that you may in fact have to deal with the finality of a rejection, the solid and uncompromising statement: "I'm straight"- which, I tell you, hurts very much when you hear it/see it presented to you bluntly and unambiguously. You two may become closer on the other hand, but this will be with limitations- as you will always be what he sees you as, nothing more than a friend. From my own personal experience- after I told him, yes we did become closer, and closer than ever before, but then I'd realise painfully that, in the end, this was all just friendship to him, and it wouldn't amount to anything beyond that....

Something he said to me that has stuck with me until this day (advice I think that you should seriously consider): "if i felt anything for you like how you do for me, don't you think i would have felt it by now after all this time?"

In short, I've witnessed many bromances, myself having indulged in a gay bromance with another straight friend. I definitely don't have feelings for this other friend, but honestly? I find it fun and amusing- and if a gay person such as myself can indulge in a 'gay bromance' where no feelings are actually held, what could be said about a straight person doing the same? I hate to say it but male-male platonic friendships are implicitly complicated and border upon the amorous- the lengths bros would go for one another is astounding, and I just think you need to remember how powerful a friendship can be...

EDIT: I'd just like to point out to you, that there is a member on this board who is in the exact situation as you, except that he has already confessed his feelings. He has held onto his feelings for his friend for now over 8 years, and he has been stuck in the same situation for 8 years. His friend is now extremely comfortable with him, but at the end of the day, he only sees this person as nothing more but a friend. I just think that given the length of your friendship, something should have already happened...and usually if it was a closet case, the hints would be a lot more ambitious and obvious than just a few vague and nondescript text messages... sorry to rain on your parade as well, but this applies to you as well NoClue

---------- Post added 26th Feb 2014 at 04:56 AM ----------

DOUBLE EDIT: i just realised that this is an old thread, so sorry for digging this back up. I'm sure though that the poster has most likely asked him... I would be curious to know how it went.

 

I really appreciate you writing this. It is the damn truth.

I have been lurking on this site for like a year, and your post just motivated me to register. I think I finally need to write my own post, but I feel like it will almost just be re-emphasizing what you've said with my own details. More people need to hear this with their heart and head and everything else. I am pissing my life down the drain.

Thanks again. Wise words.

I second your curiosity about happened. Hope Weasley is doing alright...

 

I'm really sorry for the pain you went through. Even though I was in pretty much the same situation once upon a time, I really think the relationship you had with your friend was a lot closer, and probably more painful because of that.

but...

THAT IS SO CUUTTTEEEEE!!!!
I'm so happy you've found someone. Did you find him on the app?
I'm so happy for you, really!