(Tl;dr: I like the guy I'm seeing when I'm with him but I have crippling anxiety in regards to being in public with him and when I'm not with him I want to call it off/break up/ run to Alaska and change my name. Normal? Ways to get over it?) I have been working on discovering and accepting my sexuality for about two years now (at least seriously, there were doubts before that). I've been reasonably sure that I'm gay and since I went to college I've been out. It's taken some getting used to, having something I'm used to being a deep secret be openly talked about, but as I adjust it feels much more comfortable. Recently I met a guy that I think I like. We've gone on a couple of dates and may or may not have had a date that went until 6am (you can imagine what happened). Anyways, when I'm with him I really like talking to him, conversation is easy, he's super nice, and I feel as though I want to get closer to him. That said, I am having some very VERY mixed feelings. Whenever I am with him in public and display any sort of affection whatsoever (even a hug) I get a huge amount of anxiety. Not "aww butterflies" kind of anxiety but "man chasing you with a gun" kind of anxiety. I also feel that way when I first see him when we meet up, but the feeling goes away after a couple of minutes (maybe 5 minutes). After that its all smooth sailing from there. In addition to that, whenever I'm not around him I get a terrible feeling that I don't actually like him, that i shouldn't talk to him, and just thinking about him makes me angry. Clearly I like him based on how I feel once I'm comfortable and with him, but the rest of the time I almost feel the opposite. Right now I think I might just be adjusting to being in a gay relationship for the first time in my life. Although I've gotten used to being out, I feel as though being in a public relationship is a completely different matter. I'm hoping that over time these feelings lessen and I can just enjoy being with him but I'm worried that they might not. What do you guys think? Will it lessen? Is this feeling normal? How can I get over it? Or does it indicate a deeper problem?
this strikes me as 'internalised homophobia' bringing out these feelings (1) fear you will be disliked/ attacked if seen to be gay by others in public (reflecting perceived hatred) (2) conditioned from an early age to think being gay is bad and wrong/ unnatural does that ring any bells? .. this needs work but you can get results
My first thoughts were internalized homophobia too. But let's be clear, this is a very common if not natural response in the brain. It will get better with time, but will take more positive experiences within the world of dating men. I was not out when I started dating a guy who was a cowboy in Colorado. I feared him trying to hold my hand in public for along time. Then one night I summoned courage and grabbed his hand and we walked downtown. He later told me how much that meant to him. And guess what? Nothing bad happened. Taught me a lesson. Before that night I would wince when he tried to hold my hand in a dark theatre!
Thank you for the replies. I difeinitely understand what you mean about anxiety holding hands. I guess I'm still coming to terms with being gay after all. Thought I was there but I'll get there eventually.
I remember the first time I was asked out by a woman (a very ATTRACTIVE woman I might add) I bluntly said "no". Why? I had this huge rush of disgust and a "you don't really like her like that, do you?" moment. Ya, indoctrinated homophobia can make you feel wrong even when every thing is just so right. All the best
