What is dangerous about being in a relationship with an older man?

It's more of the power imbalance, and totally different life stages. We should be clear on definitions of "an older man". I'm thinking along the lines of a generational difference (typically about 20 years), not just 5-10 years (although some of this even applies then as well). Also, try looking at it as a percentage difference than simply years. For example, a 25 year old and a 30 year old (20% older) are generally going to have a lot more in common than a 15 yo and a 20yo (33% older), even though they both are 5 years apart.

It's more of the power imbalance, different life stages, and different major cultural events. I'm not saying you are helpless, or going to get beaten up, but, generally speaking, as one ages and matures as an adult, one typically gains power in the professional/business/political world, and it's often dificult to connect with someone fully that isn't somewhat your peer. Additionally, if another generation (kids) get involved, it can be dificult for them if there is a big disparity in their parents life experiences, which will cause potentially major differences of opinions in the parents.

 

Bearlover, as my great grandmamma down in Mississippi used to say, "you just do whatever you think you big enough to do!" Don't let anyone tell you who you should or shouldn't date. While I believe some great points have been made about age differences being challenging, I am firmly against ageism in all it's ugly forms, whether against younger or older. Reality is that you are attracted to older men. Cool! That's probably not gonna change. I have generally dated guys about 10 years younger than me. It's what I prefer, plus I look young for my age. I had a boyfriend who loved watching me put on a suit and tie from his bed in the morning. He was 13 years younger and a gay bartender. We would go on business trips to New Orleans together and have a blast. We taught each other. Chemistry was everything. My advice is to take your time and get to know the guy, whatever age he is. Find out if he respects your opinion. Have fun!(!)

 

I agree with confuzzled: it's mostly the added risk of power imbalance and different life stages. Of course, those issues can crop up when you're the same age, but they can be more pronounced when there's a greater disparity.

And yes, you can mitigate the risk by having an own place, being financially independent, and being careful, but there's also more subtle ways of power disparity.

If you were to be with a guy 50 years your senior, there is a real chance he'd expect to always get your agreement, because he's speaking from literally 3 times as much experience as you do. Or, on the other side, he might be always trying to agree to you out of a desire to prove he's still young at heart. If unchecked, both possibilities lead to one of the two having full power of decision, and the other agreeing as a matter of course.

Ten years from now, it's even going to be more pronounced. He'll be 80, and you'll be 30. at that age, you might want to be focusing on work opportunities, on having an active social life, on having new experience. Even if he's an active 80-something, he will need a lot more care and rest. And there lies some risk in that you would feel resentful towards him for being a detriment to your life, or he might feel guilty for stealing your youth away. If you were to feel dissatisfied by the relationship, then you might still feel pressured to stay. After all, leaving an 80-year old alone and by himself might feel like a dickish thing to do.

Note that these are not power imbalances that happen overnight. It's not a case of him tying you to a bed and having his way with you. But all power differences start with someone having an edge, and then (even if only subconsciously) using it everytime to achieve dominance. Larger age disparities tend to give larger edges in at least some ways, so they are potentially more risky than smaller age differences.


Also, there is the sheer fact that you grew up in different worlds. Relating to each other takes a bit more work. He'll see the world in view of experiences you never shared, and vice-versa. Normally, you can overcome that by discussion and explanation, but when tempers flare (and they flare in every relationship), there's often no time for calm discussion and you might end up thinking the other is totally unreasonable, while they're just arguing from a different frame of reference.



And yes, all of these are things that aren't autodestruct buttons. In fact, they're risks in every relationship. It's just that age differences risk skewing the balance even more from the very start.

 

Hey man, I can relate. I am 24, and have always had a preference for older men. I temd to like men, at least 50 years old. I am currently exploring the possibility of exclusively dating a 60 year old man whom I've known for 2 years. We get along great, because honestly..I relate with his generation on a lot of things. We will see how it goes, just be careful. People are crazy, young or old.

Cheers!

 

Not to discourage you from having a relationship with an older man, but have you consider the truth that he simply has more life experience than you? I know a few EC members has given you a extensive list of things to consider and the whole imbalance conversation.

I have dated older men myself (15-20 years apart) and the thing that bothers the most is what I would accomplish in my life wouldn't really matter to them. For example, Going to Europe for the first time, oh wait you been there 10 times already...Another example, so you have five to ten more years before you retire, oh wait I got like 40 years to go...I'm kind of wearing my wedding dress here, but I think long-term and these are the things I consider before getting into a "relationship" with older men.

Last but not least, your friends/family's (no matter how much you don't care about them)
opinion will matter. How will you defend your choice and for how long can you really do it for? And what about his friends? What will his friends think of him dating someone much much younger than him?

 

I see all are going to skirt around this but most people will label a 70yo who wants a 20yo a dirty old man. You will always be mistaken for his grandson etc. Also a older man looking for a youngster may be a predator. So be careful of that too. Also someone older like that could have all sorts of health problems and not be able to keep up with you without ill effect on his body like a heart attack at a bad time. Oh all sorts of problems! It could be good too! Just go with your best judgement with each man you consider. June

 

I agree, June. Also, I should mention I've been on the (grand)kids side of a trans-generational relationship. Things are just weird when your grandpa (mom's dad) is dating or married to someone the same age as your mom.

 

I am going to be blunt here! I don't mean to offend anyone, but BULLSH-T! I may bee all woman on the inside, but I am six foot tall and 190 pounds of male body and I had a man knock me to the floor and rape me just inside my front door of my own house the moment I opened the door. There was nothing I could do about it as he pinned me down with his body and held both my wrists with one hand and removed my pants from his way with the other, than knocked me in the head again stunning me with the other hand again. I was just answering the knock at my front door.... I can tell you someone can overpower you if they want to. Maybe not all men but you are talking bears which are big men and can be quite strong. My attacker was shorter than me and had way big muscles! Also the first hit was by surprise and that was all it took. Also a good friend slipped a roofie in my drink when I was 22yo and let several men have me including himself and even videoed it. I had no idea what happened till I woke nude on the couch the next morning hurting and sick headache. Those are the two times something happened to me, so I can say to you IT CAN! June

 

Well if your happy with it go ahead.

 

Um. No.

If you actually go back and look over the entire thread, the OP has made a total of 3 posts out of 13. One of these is his original question, one is a clarification of just what age gap he's talking about, and the last is him actually expressing some concern/uncertainty about the issue of the age gap. I'd hardly characterize his post as indicating he's 'made up his mind and isn't really looking to listen to what people are telling him'.

Todd

 

I have several friends that date older, and know three couples where there is larger than a 10 year age difference. Their relationships worked out well for them. I think that larger age differences are much more common in the LGBT community. Probably because the dating pool is much smaller, and we have all been through much of the same experiences with coming to terms with our sexual identity/coming out. That gives us a greater understanding of each other in a way.

That being said, I don't think a 20 year old should focus on dating older men. Not more than 5 to 8 years least. If you were a bit older I would say have at it, but you are going through a period of time where you are discovering more about yourself and who you are. By dating an older man right at this point, you are going to be more guided by him instead of finding out who YOU are. This may not even be intentional on his part, but as a person ages, we get secure in ourselves and guide others without realizing it. We know what we like, who we are, and are not so shy about telling someone, especially a younger person, about what a certain path can result in. We don't always let them find out for themselves and this leads to an unhealthy dynamic.

So, just use caution and take your time.