Okey here goes guys... I finally came out to my dad, those of you who have seen my posts before know that I said I would never ever tell my dad about me because he is completely homophobic. Several days ago I finally told my dad. I got incredibly drunk, I just couldn't cope with it anymore and it was eating away at me, like how I imagine piranhas eat their food. I was screaming saying "I hate my life, I hate everything, I want to disappear" etc... Then finally I just blurted it out to him.You know what he said? He said "why didn't I tell him sooner" he then turned to my mum and sister and said "you knew but didn't tell me, how could you all hide this from me". Do you know how angry I felt at that moment in time. After all the abusive things he says about gay people he actually expected me to tell him. After all the times about me thinking if he ever finds out he will "kick me out of the house", "disown me", "try and kill me" etc... and he actually expected me to tell him. I felt a huge relief and he said I am his son and what we will be we will be. I just couldn't comprehend after all the things he has said over the years to just accept me like that... He said it didn't matter, I am his son... Several days later though we were talking and he said I know you are depressed with yourself but "you choose to be this way, you choose to be gay, just go with a women and get on with it". This just made me realize he doesn't understand and probably never will but atleast he doesn't "hate me", well he says he doesn't hate me. I still think he does though. But the more I thought about it the past few days, the more I realized it wasn't his acceptance I wanted... It was my own. All these years I have been worrying about what people with think of me but none of that matters if I don't accept myself. It was my own acceptance I wanted and quite frankly I don't accept myself. I don't like myself... I don't think I will ever meet anyone. I'm not out because I don't want to be judged, I know I shouldn't care about what people think but I do and I also have no idea how I am going to meet people. I tried looking at groups and stuff but to no avail. I also lost all my friends due to me secluding myself and I am currently unemployed and don't want to work because I don't know what I like, I want to do something I enjoy. I don't want to do mundane office work like I was doing for a year (I left recently). I have been drinking alcohol nearly everyday to just block out everything and I have doing this from the age of 15 and I am now 20, I haven't had a single drink since I told my dad, that was 1 week and 4 days ago. But in all honesty, what is wrong with me guys? I'm so lost.
Well done for confronting him. Just goes to show that when people berate gays casually .. It does not reflect their feelings towards own family.. Complicated. No he doesn't quite get it ( re choice ) but he'll come round. But the issue is you. Now you have passed this hurdle you will find it easier to focus on our own needs and wants?? It is obviously causing you anxiety if you are self medicating with alcohol by the sounds of it.
I'm glad you've been sober. Some parents just don't understand what being gay means and it's hard. But just keep being open about it with him and try to explain feelings and stuff and maybe one day he'll understand. My mom still asks questions and I've been out for years. Just give it time, he didn't grow up in a time where being gay was accepted. He'll come around. Good luck
