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Crush on straight friend: Is she just teasing me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by blackrose00, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. blackrose00

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    Hi,
    I'm a woman in my 30s who just ended a relationship with a man. I recently came out to myself as bi, because I have always had crushes on women throughout my life. I have this friend who is straight and is married and very happy with her husband. Neither of us has kids. We met online and haven't met in person yet.

    Awhile ago, when I started wondering whether to break up with my boyfriend when we went through a rough time, I began having romantic feelings for my friend, because I felt like she really understood me. During this time, we flirted a bit through texting, but she felt weird about it and stopped. She said it felt "gross" but that she also wanted to be there for me in whatever way I had needed, which is why it went as far as it did. I continued to have feelings for her, but I kept that to myself.

    After a few months, she basically told me that she knew I was crushing on her from the beginning. I was really embarrassed she knew, but she said it was ok and it didn't freak her out. I then told her I had ID'd as bi but had only told myself (and now her). Things went on as normal. She recently celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary, and posted about how much she loves her husband on Facebook.

    But she admitted she missed our flirting (I should add that the flirting is done when talking about book characters (guys) that we think are hot, and not about us). But even though the flirting is about characters, she also posted stuff on my FB page, where everyone could see it. She put up a saying that said something like, 'Isn't it wonderful when you find someone who is in love with your mind, and wants to undress you of all the bad things you think about yourself and tear our walls down that you put up around yourself?" She posted the Boys II Men song "I'll Make Love to You" and then joked that people probably would see that and think we were in a relationship. Then she wrote to me privately, "Haha, let them think that!"

    Another thing that happened was that we got into a huge argument over something, where she thought I had disrespected her. I hadn't meant to, but she took it that way. I had told her awhile ago that my girl crush on her had been fading (I didn't want to freak her out by saying it was still there, so I acted more distant). She said that, when we were arguing, a part of her thought, "If she still had a big crush on me, she wouldn't have said those things to hurt me." She said that she felt like I didn't need her that much anymore, but that, in her heart, she knew I thought more of her than just a crush. She knew I loved her very much in a friend way, too.

    She said, "I'm smart enough that I know you care about me as a true friend, but it would be very easy, because I had been so hurt by what you had said to me, to be all, "She doesn't need me because she isn't crushing on me" and blame it on that. It would have been easier to explain things if the entire friendship hinged on the potential for a romantic relationship."

    So, I'm confused about what this means. Is she saying this because she really likes the attention, of having someone who crushes on her even though she doesn't feel the same way? Does she do this flirting stuff because she knows I will respond, and it gives her a thrill to be admired? Is that what she is missing?

    Or, does the fact that she brings up the idea of a friendship being hinged on whether it had a potential to develop into something further mean that she might secretly want it to turn out that way? When she said that a part of her wanted to believe that, my first thought was, "Why"? If she's straight and married to this guy, why would any part of her want to think that a friendship like mine would have the potential to turn into a romantic relationship? And even if we role play characters when we flirt, then why would she post under her real name on my FB wall?

    By the way, my boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago, so now I'm single again.

    It seems like she is playing on my emotions. Sometimes I find it a thrill, too, but other times, it bothers me. She likes to have the upper hand.

    So, do you think she's just wanting the attention or do you think there is an attraction of some kind she is not willing to acknowledge? She was the one who called me out on my crush, and said wrote that she definitely remembered how I felt about her (with lots of smiley face emoticons after that) --so I think she's getting a certain thrill out of knowing that. I'm trying to stop this crush on her but it's really difficult. Does anyone know if this is typical behavior of straight/bi friendship?
     
  2. brandonisi

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    This is easy. Discontinue all contact. Above all else, she's married, and the both of you should respect that.
     
  3. sexwax

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    I agree I don't understand people who continue their marriages when clearly most have something going on on the side just shows how many people don't take the time to get to know themselves before being committed forget this girl just will cause problems