To be honest, I don't know how or when to begin my story. I've been through a lot lately and it hurts to recall everything that has happened so far. I'll shorten my story as best as i could and things as clearer as possible. I love my best friend. I'm 21 and he is 22 and I've known him for 4 years now. We really got along with each other because we shared equal interests and we are both broken up with our girl friends due to similar reasons, but only I knew that I'm bisexual. I started liking him about 6 months after meeting him and he has also said that I'm like the greatest friend he ever had. As our friendship grew, we talked about almost everything we thought, except of course my sexual orientation. We would hold each others hands, sit on each others laps and tease about sexual things but nothing serious. Sometimes he would lean on my shoulder or lie on my lap while talking and it made me very excited. So once I tried to talk about homosexual things to see what he thinks about it, he suggested that he doesn't like being gay or bisexual and that he's offended by it. Even after he spoke like that he would always be lovey-duvey around me, teasing me saying "you are cute!" and hugging me from behind out of the blue. One time we almost kissed when he hugged me and he winked at me while backing away. This makes me wonder what he really thinks about me. Is he just playing with me or does he mean anything he says. When we message each other, we would always send each other kissing smileys and say "love you". I can't see through his mind to know how much he likes me or whether he is hiding in a closet too. The thing is, every time I stop messaging him or bid him good bye to go home ( we are college buddies), I miss him so much that I begin to feel so lonely. He is like a part of me that I can't control. I wold do anything to be with him longer and I've done so countless number of times. But I'm genuinely scared to come out to him and lose a friend like him. At the same time I want to love him and be loved by him. If this situation is to continue my misery will grow wildly and god knows what will happen. If you have any advice for me, please do share. <forgive if my English is bad>
Don't worry about your English - you speak well It's a difficult situation but moreso because you have a crush on him. I had the same with a friend and it was nice - I lived in a dreamworld because he would do similar things like your friend. But, at the end of the day - he was 100% straight. I never came out to him at that time but we did have discussions about homosexuality. Time and again he would say negative things but I would keep talking about the positive. I pretended a friend of a friend of mine was gay (while really I was talking about myself). The personal contact confused me a lot because I had a crush on him. One time while camping he asked if we could share a sleeping bag together. I thought this is it - my dream come true. Nothing happened, other than me staying awake all night thinking and him being fast asleep and annoyed if I woke him. I finally came out to him many many years later - after he was married with children. He seemed to take it ok but we rarely, if ever talk now. Although we would have a good relationship should we meet again. In all honesty - this is my experience. It wasn't perfect, and in hindsight I wanted it to be perfect. Your experience might end up positive, perhaps he is trying to reach out to you but too scared to. You never know. In this state, you could interpret everything he does, this is a bad thing. Try not to read things into all his actions. My recommendation. Take a step back and enjoy your friendship - it is a valuable and wonderful thing. If anything does happen, it will take a natural course. if an opportunity arises that you can talk to him about your sexuality then maybe you could think about it. Just be prepared if the response is not what you would like. For me - if I could turn back time, I would have enjoyed our friendship more and not focussed so much on what might have been. I missed out on a lot because of that. I feel for you - and I truly hope it turns out wonderfully. All the very best.
Many thanks SilentCreatures. Maybe I should wait for the right moment to come out and take this huge burden off my chest. I do value our friendship more than anything, so I'll wait even if it hurts more. The only thing I'm troubled by now is what I should do when he sends these weird signals to me. I feel strange when he does something like that and it makes me rather stiff than casually following his lead. He acts like that quite openly and I get scared that if I follow his lead, people would interpret us as gay (maybe it's just me who thinks like that) and if he gets to know it, he might freak out as well. I'm probably thinking too much when it comes to this. Since he is the most important person in my life after my parents, I can't help but think of him all the time. I will try and hold myself back to see where this goes. Again, thank you for your kind advice. Much appreciate it
Hey (*hug*) I know your situation. And having had my special friendship finished, I can't agree more with SilentCreatures. Enjoy the friendship while it lasts, and try not to worry too much about it if you can. I know it's really hard, just try and keep yourself distracted when you're not with him. When he gives you funny signals, go along with it and give him some right back (you're lucky that he even gives you signals, mine didn't except only when we were alone and I'd have to initiate it.). If the time feels right, and you feel you need to, you can talk to him about how you feel and how you're confused about it. If he really is such a good friend, then I'm sure you two will find your way through it fine
Thank you for the advice WhiteShadows. I guess waiting is the only option I've been left with after all. I'm sorry to hear that you had your special friendship finished. It sucks to be in the wrong end of a beautiful friendship. I hope my waiting would yield something better for me and at the moment, I wish it's happiness for us all. (for guys like us of course)
Hey Mane, I just wanted to let you know that I was in a similar situation I fell in love with my best friend and it came to dominate my life. It was probably the hardest time in my life. I let it build from meeting him and finding him cute when we were 14 to as we grew up the times we'd joke saying I love you, or hug or the way we'd talk. I went to rehab for a while when i was 17 and he sent these letters that melted my heart pretty much literaly, ill never forget him starting off what he said with "this pry sounds gay but" and as it grew I wound up in such a dark place. I began to convince my self he is DEFINATLY gay and likes me and is waiting and it hurt so much i gave up so much let my self feel so much pain. In the end I told him... he didn't care he pretty much laughed at how silly it was i never told him but... he wasn't gay. It was really really hard to take that and know that but honestly the pain of the fantasy i lived in was so horrible I promise you it will be so much better to tell him. In my experience the attraction, the love you feel for a best friend doesn't go away because it's nurtured like a real relationship just without sex... which i guess in a way helps nurture the relationship just never taking it to that certain point. Sorry this is a bit long but hearing you say that just brought this back and it is something so vivid and important to me.
