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How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love you?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dakine, Oct 21, 2013.

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  1. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Pretty much as the title goes...how do you rain patient or turn a blind eye to someone who displays all ranges of emotion solely because they can't accept they have homosexual feelings for you? Like has anyone dealt with this and if so, how do you stay sane so that you can remain supportive? He needs me, but sometimes it's too much to deal with.
     
    #1 Dakine, Oct 21, 2013
  2. Michelle1987

    Michelle1987
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    Honestly, I feel like i'm going through the same thing right now. It's really hard because I feel like i'm in the same situation, and I love the person who is acting this way towards me. My friend I told has been up and down with me ever since I told her how I felt (we have previous deep friendship/been intimate with one another). She's only been a roller coaster with me since I told her how I felt, yet she refuses to talk about any of it. We were doing well for a while as friends, but most recently she blocked my number and deleted me from all social media but says she just needs a break. This is our 3rd "break" in about 6 months now. Anyway, I'm trying to just create more boundaries between us. We have the same friend group and see each other 3 times a week at least, but i'm trying to do more of my own thing. Anytime my friend does do something extreme, I do vocalize that I don't think it's fair or she is being right, but I can't stay mad at her because I think it has everything to do with her struggle. I wouldn't turn a 'blind eye' to it. If he is doing something that isn't okay then you should say something-- but doesn't mean you can't stop caring/being supportive. Just make sure there are boundaries and you talk about what bothers you.
    I'm sorry if that wasn't much help because I'm going through this same thing myself and not sure I have the best advice. I've recently started seeing a therapist and that's been helpful for me. Best of luck.
     
    #2 Michelle1987, Oct 21, 2013
  3. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    It's funny you mention social media. I've been deleted and blocked on twitter and now Facebook by him for no real reason other than a) he's looking for a reaction or b) he's trying to overcome feelings. In both cases there were no arguments that led up to deletion. Well in the case of twitter unless you call me falling asleep before he got back home for the night an argument, but I'd say that's a .5 on the ricter scale. Facebook, we weren't even in the same country at the time he deleted, so no arguments were going on there. It sucks, cause Facebook is how we met and became real life friends eventually. It was him liking all my statuses etc that got me to notice and want to be friends with him in the first place. So it's like he deleted a piece of our history.
     
    #3 Dakine, Oct 22, 2013
  4. Michelle1987

    Michelle1987
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    Oh man, I feel like our stories are very similar. I'm sorry you're going through this.I felt really shitty when my friend blocked me too... but it's (hopefully) only temporary. It's definitely not easy to see someone react this way, but just remember that by him deleting you... it's a reaction/feeling. He's feeling something. In order to feel something, you care.
     
    #4 Michelle1987, Oct 22, 2013
  5. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    The weird part is I live with this person and have to pretend it doesn't bother me. I confronted him when he deleted me off of twitter but now that I've been deleted off Facebook I'm pretending to not even notice.
     
    #5 Dakine, Oct 22, 2013
  6. June Cleaver

    June Cleaver
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    Well I think we all have been there at some point. Last year I had a FWB, yes we had sex many times and saw in me the woman who could make me happy, but due to his small size downstairs and being short, he has little man syndrome bad and has to have a bombshell at his side to present "as THE MAN" to his friends and coworkers.

    So he was leading me on making comments like "I might be the one". Well I helped him buy a home, gave him a car, furnishings and all sort of things to get away from his ending relationship and start a new life to get his kids and live a happy life.

    While I was waiting for him to take it to the next step, Mike showed up wanting me and I had been in love with Mike 4 years at that point, so I jumped at the chance. I was falling for my FWB too and could be living happily ever after with him now had I waited as he was getting there. He was so hurt when I told him I belonged to Mike. I knew he was just about to lock me in as his GF as the signs were there.

    Well he got so upset loosing me that he jumped at the next bimbo to come on to him playing the save me from my abusive ex card, that he jumped on it to feel like a big man and as a reaction to me not waiting on him and she put him in the toilet and now the car is gone, his old one is in pawn, and he was letting the home go last we talked and of course she was in jail on her way to prison. He waited too long to lock me in because people like this can take years to accept themselves. He is not gay, but it is hard for a straight man to accept a trans-woman, no different to someone who is in the closet to accept their first gay relationship. It goes with the territory!

    My advise is to give them all the time they need without pushing them, and keep your options open. Don't get stuck waiting on just that one because you might pass a good one up in the meantime. Good Luck, June
     
    #6 June Cleaver, Oct 22, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2013
  7. Bear101

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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    Try to separate your feelings for the person and your feelings for the actions that he's taking. Then deal with his actions with him. I'd really recommend a book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.
     
    #7 Bear101, Oct 22, 2013
  8. Dakine

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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    I'll look into that book for sure. It sucks cause I know we both have extreme feelings for each other. I catch him doing things that also make me see it's of a sexual nature so it's not just a bromance that I'm taking wrong. It's like getting tackled on the one yard line hahahaha. I swear we could have a pretty killer movie plot going here. Hopefully it has that happy ending where the two ppl that are meant to be together finally end up together, cause I'm having one hell of a time moving on....basically cause he does so much for me to hold out hope that someday he will accept his feelings and who he is. Right now my concern is to get him to accept who he is. That's way more important than him and I ending up together.
     
    #8 Dakine, Oct 22, 2013
  9. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    Idk, I also feel like someday he needs to be aware of the fact that his inability to deal with himself is going to cause him to miss out on something amazing we could have had. But, how do I get that across to him without saying "wake the fuck up, I know you're not straight!!"
     
    #9 Dakine, Oct 22, 2013
  10. Michelle1987

    Michelle1987
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    You can't, really. IDK i'm in the same boat as you. I absolutely know my friend is in denial based off of many things that have happened, even my therapist agrees-- but you can't really push someone out of the closet. I just know when I was in denial, when people tried to "push me out" or "out me", it made me really uncomfortable and I resented them for it. I would say that maybe you could share some of your experiences, what it felt like to be in denial for you (if you were), how scary the process was, when you first knew yourself. Maybe if you share some stories of yourself, he will be able to see some things he can relate to... but only share as a friend not as pressuring them or assuming they feel that way too.

    Although, I just did this with my friend and it didn't really go how I thought. Well, I have recently just accepted myself as bi, and I wanted to tell her about my process because she has been a huge part of it. It was just important that she was one of the first people I came "out" to--even though we aren't on speaking terms. She didn't really receive it like I thought. She was supportive...but she was also defensive. I didn't infer anything about her in my whole letter... I just spoke about what I felt/I have went through yet she ended up reacting a little negative which I wasn't expecting/ further confirming what I believe.

    Either way though, you never know how long it may take your friend to realize it. The more I reflect on myself, the more I realize how long it has taken me and how the mind is really powerful at making it believe what it wants to--eventually it will catch up to you though, it did with me!

    I'm not sure I offer the best advice because I'm learning and going through this same thing right now, but I feel like I have a lot to share since we are in very similar situations.
     
    #10 Michelle1987, Oct 23, 2013
  11. Dakine

    Dakine
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    Re: How do you remain patient with someone who hates you because they actually love y

    Yah, it's just frustrating to watch cause it's so blatantly obvious and he's sterling to do a lot of things towards me that he thinks he's hiding but I'm in fact well aware of but for his sake I pretend not to know so he can work through it at his own pace. My fear is I'm going to catch him in the act of something that he can't deny which could lead to him running from me and himself forever.
     
    #11 Dakine, Oct 23, 2013
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