Hi all, A couple of days ago I came out to a new university friend who I've known for a month now, and it was my first time coming out. She was really supportive at the time (for full details, see http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/112565-came-out-someone-first-time.html), but now she is acting like I never said anything. A couple of times I have tried to bring the subject up, but the conversation has never gone any further. It kind of is something that I would like to discuss, seeing as for the last 7 years I haven't discussed it with any of my friends. She used to hug me all the time, and now she doesn't, but she doesn't act differently in any other way. We still joke around, spend lots of time together, and she messages me a lot, asking what time I'm going to dinner etc. I just get the impression that she's slightly uncomfortable. For example today I was wearing a dress, and she said 'You look nice today, what are you dressed up for?' And I said (in an obviously jokey way) 'Oh, it's all for you!' *dramatic hair flick*. And she sort of looked confused and uncomfortable, when usually she's quite a jokey person. Anyway, I don't understand why she seems so supportive, yet reluctant to discuss the matter at the same time. Perhaps she feels that I am sensitive about the issue and don't wish to discuss it myself? How do I make it clear that I am not sensitive about it, without seeming like I'm forcing a discussion on her? Thanks for reading, and sorry for the length of the post! Islander Edit: Part of the reason I joked about dressing up for her was to help make it clear that I am ok with discussing sexuality, and I'm not ashamed or anything
Well the thing is, although it´s huge to you, it doesn´t mean the same to your friend. On the other hand, she has something unexpected to process and does that in her own time in her own way. Don´t expect too much. Give it some time. Actually some time ago I really talked about it with some friends for the first time. We had a fun afternoon and a bit to drink, girlfriends were joining the guys and I was with my boyfriend. Some knew he´s my boyfriend, some didn´t make the connection yet. But since we were in a group and all mellow, it worked out pretty good. Group dynamics are different, lots of different questions come up. It was a good experience, but after that....nothing... Maybe that´s just the way it is? They (straight friends) want to return back to normal as if nothing has happened? Maybe that is also just their best way to show they accept it? Sorry, I suppose this didn´t help much... Hope you get more reactions.
I experienced something very similar with a male friend of mine. Like the guy above said, I think we have to realize that our sexuality is simply not a big deal to some of our friends. While we dwell on it for years, it's of little consequence to some people; possibly even verging on an annoyance. I mean that in the nicest way, but it took me a while to acknowledge that. On the flip side, you have other friends who are incredibly supportive and curious which consequently leads to many conversations about LGBT! If I had to guess I would imagine she is probably feeling awkward. (some**)Straight people have this unhealthy habit of thinking every single homosexual is going to fancy them. So without sounding harsh, there could be this little issue in her mind that, heavens forbid, you might fancy her so her reluctance to hug or talk about it also might stem from that. I've yet to find a way to get past this with some of my friends; initially I tried forcing the conversations into jokey banter about me being homo, but like you, I quickly found this point mute, it never worked and was always met with an awkward silence. So I then tried pretending like it didn't exist and around guys, I was heterosexual. This didn't work because it made me incredibly depressed. So I learnt to judge people on an individual scale; some people are perfectly fine with me discussing about being bisexual and everything to do with that. Others aren't so much, and at the end of the day, it causes less hassle to just accept their ignorant views and moderate behaviour accordingly. Since this is your first person coming out though, I personally would have a direct approach with her. I would have another conversation and just simply ask why is she acting weird about your sexuality and get across everything you said on here. The chances are she isn't even aware of what she's doing; she probably doesn't know how to act in this scenario. LBGT only make up what, like 8% of the population, so you're probably the first LGBT person who has 'come out' to her. Try and understand her point; it's new for you, but you've already spent years coming to terms with your sexuality. It's also equally new for her, and she's only had a few weeks to reestablish the boundaries of friendship. I hope it goes well for you and her, what ever you choose to do. :icon_bigg
Thanks for your advice. I don't wish to be too direct with her, because I don't want to appear confrontational. Our friendship is still relatively new, though we have become close very quickly and I know a huge amount about her life, and various problems that she has had. I have even met her boyfriend, and we get on really well too. I just hope that our friendship continues to grow, rather than slump. I would not want to lose her as a friend, or let things grow awkward between us. Things are getting a little better. She complimented me on my appearance again today, and put her hand on my shoulder, which suggests that she is becoming less awkward about physical contact. She still hasn't mentioned anything LGBT related, and I just generally feel a little awkward around her, like I'm always aware of how she reacts to everything. I feel a little like I'm treading on egg shells.
This type of reaction is extremely common, at least in most of America, as I've noticed that a gay/bi sexual orientation is often considered too taboo to discuss, even if the person involved isn't homophobic.
