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I have a crush on a bisexual friend and don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by JamesBlakeFan, Oct 24, 2013.

  1. JamesBlakeFan

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    I realize this question probably gets asked a lot, but I thought I would ask for some advice anyway and I just wanted to get this off my chest.

    I'm a 24 year old guy, I've had a girlfriend for the past 3 years, we live together and I love her very much. I've told her that I've had a few minor experiences with guys in the past, but that I don't identify as gay or bisexual. She's very open minded and wasn't bothered by it all. I do still feel attraction towards other men and women, but I've never had a feeling of wanting to cheat or end my relationship with her.

    Recently I made a new friend who I have a lot in common with. We both want to follow the career path and share the same interests. He's openly bisexual, and I admire the fact that he is so open and confident. I've never had a male best friend, I always felt uneasy around other guys because I never felt masculine enough, or I felt I was going to be made fun of. He's been the first male friend I've had that I don't feel uneasy around. I've developed a crush on him and I want to be honest with him about it, but I'm scared that A. If he doesn't feel the same way about me, that will end our friendship, which I value the most. B. That I will be ending a good relationship over something I'm not sure of (as in maybe I'm just idealizing my feelings for him, because I've never been able to have a friend like him). C. That there is no point in telling him, because I don't want cheat and I'm not ready to leave my gf.
    When we first met, I thought he was being flirtatious with me, but he quickly stopped when he realized I had a gf. I still have a lot of feelings for her and I like the life we've started to build together, but I feel like our relationship is lacking passion and fire, we've become too comfortable and settled with each other, there's a lot of dedication but very little passion...with my new friend I feel the nervousness, excitement, and passion that I felt when I first met my gf. What should I do? Should I just wait and hope that these feelings will pass? Will I cause turmoil and drama in two peoples lives if I'm honest about how I feel?
     
  2. ryanalexander61

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    Hey buddy, welcome.

    First of all, since this guy is openly bisexual, it is likely that he will be more tolerant/accepting of your feelings than a straight person would. He may have had a similar situation as you and be sympathetic, and thus you telling him would not end your friendship or put it in jeopardy.

    As a gay person, if a friend told me they had developed a crush on me, I know how hard it can be so I would not dismiss that person even if there was no chance that I would reciprocate the feelings. That isn't the right thing to do to someone, though some people might not think like I do. Then again, I am of the opinion that if a friendship turns into something more for one person, it is very hard for the friendship to return to normalcy. Thus, why you see very little "exes" as friends, but it is certainly possible.

    You bring up a lot of valid concerns regarding telling him about your feelings. You are correct, you may be misinterpreting your feelings of closeness as some sort of romantic crush. Also, yes, if you don't intent to cheat (which is a good thing) there may not be a solid reason to tell him.

    Aside from your crush on your friend, your relationship lacks passion with your girlfriend. This would be the case without this crush in your life and happens all the time with straight couples. Maybe it is important to address these concerns first? Why is the passion gone? What are some ways to try and reignite it? I've never experienced this, so I can't offer any advice on that.

    Anyway, if I were you, I might think against telling this friend. I know you want to be honest, but aside from simply being honest with the person, you don't intend to leave your girlfriend at the moment or cheat on her. What would telling him really gain for you then? You gain the feeling "yea I was honest and told him" but at the huge risk of losing both your friendship and relationship.

    I might focus on that relationship first. Your feelings may pass for this person, but the lack of passion with your girlfriend will still be present (or not present I guess). If you fix this, your feelings for your crush may pass and you wouldn't have had to ruin (or risk ruining) a friendship and/or relationship. I would estimate that telling your g.f. you currently have a crush on someone else (a guy no less) will not be received as warmly as your past attractions have.

    I hope this helps, and best of luck...
     
  3. JamesBlakeFan

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    Thanks so much for your response, you put me at ease about how I feel, and I think you gave me great advice. I know what I should do now.

    :slight_smile: