Faking it

I grew up in a very strict, conservative, evangelical home. My dad beat my mom and was physically and emotionally abusive to my sisters and me. didn't even know what gay or lesbian was, but I knew I was attracted to girls as a teenager and had a girlfriend secretly (my parents thought she was my best friend), but when that ended (she came out to her family, and her brother told all his friends and then held the door shut while she was sexually assaulted by her brother's friend who was going to f*$! her straight, and she took her own life a week later after her parents kicked her out of the house) I was scared that the same thing would happen to me.

So, after that, I started dating a guy (I was 14) lost my virginity to him at 15, and ended up marrying him at 19. I told him I was bisexual before we got married, he said he didn't care, and even encouraged me to ask one of my bisexual friends out and I did because I had a crush on her, but she rejected me when I confessed to her and ever since them I decided that no matter what I would fake it and live the life of a happily married straight woman. Only that is not the life I ended up with. I have been married for almost 15 years, I have 3 kids.

I am a lesbian, but I live behind a veil of hetero-privilege. It causes me intense guilt. I have a lot of LGBTQ friends, and am out to them as they are safe, but even with them, I feel judged and constantly questioned, because I am still with my husband. He is extremely emotionally abusive. He had several emotional affairs with women, and a physical affair with a man. I was depressed, going through counseling, taking medication for the depression, and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I never told the counselors/therapists about my sexuality. My husband said he wanted me to be happy and that he supported me, so we decided to be poly. Shortly after that he confessed the only reason he agreed to that was because he was in love with one of my friends. I hooked up with the girl I had told I had the crush on and rejected me. We went into it knowing it was just a friends with benefits no strings attached thing. She lives 6 hours away so we knew it could not be a serious thing and neither of us wanted that.

I was online on a dating site and I found someone. I had met her a year before but when she started dating someone seriously, she stopped talking to me because her girlfriend was jealous of me. A year later, when they broke up, I found her again and we reconnected. I was completely honest with her about my situation and intentions. We were together a year, we were best friends, lovers, and each other's support system. She hated my husband because he was hateful and hurtful to me, he had double standards and was extremely controlling. She wanted me to leave him, and I wanted to leave, but I could not financially support my three kids, so I stayed with him.

She got a job and moved ten hours away. I helped her move. There was a lot of tears involved, but we never talked about our relationship or whether it was ending. We love each other and we are best friends, but being in a relationship is not practical so we decided we needed to move on. I joined the dating site again and I am talking to a girl and I have also been completely honest with her. She seems to understand, but I also think she is hesitant to go further because I am married even though it is only on paper at this time.

I am not in love with my husband and am not attracted to him, we don't have consensual sex, if I was finished with school and had a good job I would already be divorced, but we only have one car, his income is significantly higher than mine, and I am still in graduate school working on a PhD. Not to mention our kids are still too young to understand and since I am not out to any of my family or in laws, I don't really want them blabbing about it to anyone and everyone. I know this is selfish to some extent, but I also don't want to hurt my kids or take their family away from them (all my relatives and in laws are very religious and homophobic).

I have slowly been coming out to my LGBTQ and Ally friends. Most seem ok and even sympathetic to my situation, but I struggle so much with my two lives. I want to get out of the marriage, but I need to finish my degree and get a job before I can. So I just go through day by day with one life to my family and coworkers, and one live to my "safe" friends. I don't want to hurt anyone. I am out to everyone as an Ally and I am a local activist for LGBTQ issues, but I still feel like a liar.

I don't know what to do or how to do it. I am lost and scared of hurting people and I know I will hurt people no matter what I do. If I can just keep it up for a couple more years, I should be done with my PhD and hopefully find a job. I just have some days when I am not sure I can stay with him for one more minute much less a couple more years.