Need some advice from people who've gone through similar crushes on best friends

Hey there. So I've been reading EC for a while since I came out this year, and now have decided to ask for my own advice. People on this forum really give good tips, and I'm hoping you can help with my situation. Sorry ahead of time for the intense read.

I met my friend (I'll call him James) two years ago. We were in a frat together, one that's really forward leaning etc. One of our best mutual friends is gay from the frat, so we are accepting and tolerant people. Even though James and I were in the same community for three years, we didn't really connect until our senior year.

I've known I liked men for much of my life. I still don't know where I stand on labels, though I know I never really fell for a guy until I met James. It may have been an immediate attraction because I pressed on becoming friends with him for the remainder of the year. He and I got close, and we went on trips together (with other people) and then we graduated university. I was still very much in denial of my feelings for men and him at that point, so I numbed it out and was able to hang with him and we became great friends.

After we graduated, we dropped acid one day together with our mutual gay friend and another friend, and that trip was when I acknowledged to myself my feelings for him. (Drugs will do that I guess). It so happened that towards the end of the trip, we spent about 1hr30 to 2hrs just talking. Now this may seem like nothing, however, he's not a big talker and I was on cloud-9. I felt my attraction and for some reason, I felt his as well (though more on that later).

We had more encounters that summer, and then I went to law school. I knew it wouldn't work out between him and me because of course I wasn't ready to come out yet and I was going 3000 miles away. Yet, I ended up leaving law school to pursue a different career path after one semester. So I returned, and the feelings returned as well.

We started these "walks." I was in an incredibly hard life transition. I was beginning to come to terms with my sexuality, my career choice, and my past family issues. I don't really remember how they started, yet I couldn't keep away from calling him up for these walks. I pined for his attention, and I was the one initiating. These walks consisted of just the two of us walking and talking about serious and not-so-serious stuff. The attraction got more intense.

It got so intense, that I ended up seeking out therapy (not only for my sexuality though) and decided to come out. I came out as "liking both men and women" to my immediate family and close friends. It took me a while to come out to James, though I did.

Now, I've been out to him for about 4 months and I believe I came out because I wanted him to come out to me too (which I understand the illogical reasoning there). It's turned into love at this point. I want to tell him. I have a written letter prepared to share with him detailing my feelings, and that I need space because I realize I just want to be friends.

More on James: He's never dated anyone. He's very quiet, unless it's the two of us talking. He and I have talked about our female crushes (this was in college). On one of our earlier trips in college, he spooned me when we were sharing the same bed. (later on we shared the same bed, though never drunk and nothing's happened) One time on a different trip together, I was sitting in a chair in a room by myself, when he walked in and went straight to sit on my lap. I got really uncomfortable and, yes, I tickled him to get off. Neither of us said anything after that. Yet, on that same trip, we shared a bed only one night, and after we "went to sleep" I felt him circle my ass with his finger for a minute or two. I didn't react because I was nervous and hadn't come out at that point. Another time, when we were drunk walking to his car once, he ran a little ahead of me and pretended to injure himself and fell to the sidewalk. I just laughed and then he got up and we went on. I'm not a shopper, but he definitely is, and he really cares about his appearance. He is constantly fixing his hair when we hang out and making sure he looks good in the mirror.

There's a lot more, and I could go on, though I'll just share this most recent camping trip.
We didn't drive together due to schedules. We got there set up the tent (there was 7 of us in one tent), and the first night was typical. I ended up sleeping beside a different friend and the edge of the tent. The next night, he got really drunk, and at one point, when everyone was pretty much heading for the tent, he told the rest of the group to head to bed while he and I would stay up for a little bit and burn out the fire. The rest of the group left for the tent, and he and I hung out. He was having funny pouring lighter fluid into the fire and watching me freak out and back up. I was sort of drunk, though definitely not as much as him. Then, we were talking about stuff. He told me to sit by him. I got really lovesick then I remember because I don't remember what we talked about. Then, he shared a story he's never told anyone about his dad with me. Then, we talked some more. Finally, he was ready to go to bed I guess, yet the fire still had some life, so I said let's wait a few minutes. We sat next to each other not saying anything. Then, I said ok, let's go to bed. He got to the tent first. I had to piss, so I walked in to him moving all my stuff from where I slept the night before right next to him. I complained, though didn't move it back because I was into it. Nothing happened at night.

I've read many stories about wondering if you're friend has feelings for you. I know it can be tedious, however I'd appreciate if you would let me know what you think. I talked with two of my friends who both came to the conclusion that we're just best friends and my heart has got caught up in something greater. If you need more info from me, please let me know.

My questions are: Could my friend like men? Could my friend like me? Would it be ok, because I'm really pining for him, to send this letter detailing that I "like him more than a friend" so I can begin to move on? Is it worth it to give him the letter or just distance myself for the time being? I appreciate any help. Thanks!

 

Thank you all so much for commenting with your advice. It's been very helpful and also comforting to see that I'm not the only one out there with this dilemma. I have decided to tell him so I can move on. I've been encouraged to approach him face to face instead of sending him a letter, and, while that seems daunting, I believe it is the most honest and forthright.

ryanalexander: I've read back to some of your earlier posts, and yes, I see many similarities. Like you say, even if he may like men and may like me, he wouldn't be ready to address his feelings and sexuality. Your comment was very helpful and I want to answer your questions for me. I have a 60% feeling he'll react in a respectful manner to me telling him. Our hang out time is rather inconsistent. He works a lot, so we only get to see each other on weekends. For three weekends in a row we hung out (including the camping trip), and then this past weekend I just didn't feel like hanging with him. He's not an initiator, so I didn't expect him to call me.

confused: I also looked through your previous posts which were very helpful and I also see similarities in my situation. I believe my intentions are more in line with how you were feeling and it's getting too painful so I will tell him. As for the friendship, I realize, like what ryanalexander had said, if he's mature enough he'll hopefully be respectful and we can move on. It is a tough situation, and I think I just have to see what happens. I think, like you said, that getting out of love is my first priority, so I may have to make a sacrifice here. Hopefully, it won't come to that though, and he'll be understanding. I plan to keep my distance for a couple of months and I hope to return and see where we stand. I do need closure to move on, and I believe moving on from him will be a big part in my coming out process.

Just a few questions for when I do tell him. The only time I plan on using the word "love" is if he asks me if I do love him. When is it cool to use that word? Also, if he asks how long this has been going on, I want to tell him the truth, though would that just antagonize the situation further? If you have any other tips for me for when I tell him in the next week, let me know.

Again, thank you guys so much for the help. I'm glad I've found people who can relate. It really let's some of the pressure go. I hope you guys are doing well now in relationships, as I can see from your posts, which gives me hope for the future.