Long story short, I slept with somebody in a committed relationship where I know both involved and I did not stop it from happening. I was completely sober, he was buzzed but nowhere near drunk. I feel like a terrible person but my best friend says I should not be worried and having the anxiety issues I am having. I don't know what to think or do because I have never been in this situation before and he was the first person I have been with. If you think your response is too mean, I guarantee you it isn't. I want to know what people really think of my actions.
This is when people say that they got lost in the heat of the moment. I'm not going to pass judgement on you; you're doing that just fine on your own. Look yeah what you did was stupid but at least you feel guilty; you would be an ass if you didn't. You need to tell the truth it's the least they deserve.
No judgment here either...the next question will be a bit harder though: what will you do the next time this could happen? Doing something wrong the first time will make you feel guilty, doing it a second time...less so, by the third time you may find all kinds of rationalizations. You feel guilty about it and that is appropriate, more importantly though...what will you do next?
greatwhale: I have no clue. I hope I will avoid the situation entirely. But i also never thought I would have been in that situation; especially not with him.
Well, obviously it wasn't the best move, I'm sure you've figured that one out by now so no need to reiterate. But at least it wasn't dangerous (hopefully, that is), illegal, and/or psychopathic, so it could have been worse. In terms of what do do? Gah it depends who it was with. If he is someone you see often, I'd talk to him, and apologize profusely. Chances are if he remembers it, he feels pretty bad about it. Keep in mind, though, that he may tell his partner and there's nothing you can do--you're at his partner's mercy. If it's someone you don't see very often, I'd probably avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Kinda cowardly I guess you could say, but probably better in terms of damage control. This is my best advice, but bear in mind that I might be totally off the mark, not having been in that situation myself. But trust me, we've all made mistakes. Not necessarily the same ones, or even the same kinds. On the bright side, your mistake will not result in a criminal record that will follow you everywhere and forever. Depending on the situation, you most likely won't be thinking about this in a few months from now.
apostrophied: I appreciate your silver lining outlook! He does not want to tell his partner, he told me it was just between us and if his bf found out he [bf] owed him anyway. I didn't know exactly how to take that but oh well. I don't see him often, but I do see his bf frequently.
Thanks lol. About the owing part, well that's classy.... I agree with the other poster's comment about rationalizing. If I were you, I'd stay away from this guy unless sober and fully clothed. Clearly it wasn't that big of a deal for him, so don't count on him to make it stop if a similar situation occurs again....
It takes two to tango. Only thing I would do. Imagine you were the third party and this happened to you. Would you want that?
ive been there i felt like shit about myself for about 6 weeks after but at the end of the day he was as guilty as i and he had the gall to try and deny it - just move on it doesnt make you a bad person just a person who fucked up and we all do - try not to do it again - im here if you wanna talk as i said ive been there
EDIT: I just re-read your initial post and I had misunderstood it: you were sober, he was far from drunk. So alcohol can't be blamed here. Maybe stay away from situations where you're going to be alone together?
Thanks everyone for your responses! While I was over-analyzing, I was putting the whole situation on my shoulders. General consensus seems to be its a mutual f*ck-up and we are both to blame. I appreciate the non-biased outlook that I am receiving from this thread and am glad I posted it! Apostrophied: I do plan on avoiding situations where we are alone. To be perfectly honest, in response to "Clearly it wasn't that big of a deal for him", I NEVER expected this from him. I went to him because he is completely out to everyone and I thought he would be a great person to talk to and he was. I also thought since he was in a committed relationship there would be no way something like this would happen.
Yeah, I can definitely see how this came out of the left field for you. =/ I guess sexual morals are a bit of a private topic, so one would not necessarily be able to guess who has loose morals and who doesn't lol. Kind of irrelevant (or maybe not), but when you say you went to talk to him because he was out, do you mean that you sought advice from him about being gay/out/whatever? Because if that's how it started... =/
Apostrophied: Yes. That was what I was talking to him about. I come from a very close-minded family, my twin sister doesn't even know. I got a lot of great insight from him about the dynamics of living in a place where it is not accepted as much. It is a very conservative minded small town in Texas and if my boss were to ever find out he would fire on the spot. It is legal to do that in Texas. I was also seeking advice about a previous quasi-relationship that didn't work out well and has left me completely scared of venturing into another relationship. He was a great help with this and this was not the first time I had gone to talk to him. I guess I just to comfortable.
So...on top of everything else, he violated your trust...try to stay away from this situation if you can, no good can come of it. I would be concerned that now that he has done this with you, he will want more...you need to be clear about what you will not do...
Greatwhale: I feel like you are the advice giving father I never had. I have trust issues as it is so for me to talk to someone about everything I told him, I think that may have contributed to my panic attacks. I just felt that I could trust him because from every other interactions I had with him, he seemed like that kind of guy.
Thanks, I am a Dad to three kids, although they don't listen to me nearly as much as you guys do, LOL! What he did to you was shitty, and worse, you are the only one feeling guilty about it! Here's where you really need to be strong and carry the courage of your convictions, this is wrong, full stop. And you won't do it again, full stop. Your integrity is on the line here. In relationships, you must trust, yes, you must be vulnerable, yes, but keep your eyes wide open and don't take foolish risks. I suspect you're not the first affair he's had.
Greatwhale: Your kids need to pay more attention to you then! I am the second youngest of 7, so i really appreciate the words of wisdom you are bestowing. I hope to keep my integrity as intact as possible, and understand that I need to keep myself from falling for temptations like this again. It sucks that I am merely human though and not perfect because that is how I get into a situation like this...
