So that went about how I thought it would

So I came out to my parents a few days or a week or two ago, I don't even remember to be honest. And I basically sat down and after a while just kind of said I'm gay to them after having said I needed to talk with them a few times and having a hard time getting the words out.

My mother had a few questions pretty much making sure I wasn't playing a joke on her and that was it; they said that was ok and they didn't quite care about it as it is what it is.

Well a few days later they come back and my mother says that she never really cared for me since she knew I was gay and I have to get out of the house before I'm 21. My dad won't really talk at all with me.

I expected this, they've never done anything good for me or tried to help or support me at all in my life other than by throwing money at me. So it makes sense that they just don't care. They don't want the stigma of kicking me out now so they'll let me stop by when I come back from collage during breaks and such; but that's it.

So yeah. I guess. That's it.

I didn't think it would impact me as much as it has but I just can't deal with them anymore. I'm debating moving to the other side of the state or even out of state just so I don't have to talk with them.

I have the money since I'm borderline on debating if they were going to kick me right out, but it's still a lot of money on the line and it's stressful to say the least.

I don't even know what I want to do or who I really am. I just have been trying to get along for the last few years; Before all of this got really bad I used to be pretty expressive, I loved art, drawing, writing, music, I even got published a few times in papers and stuff; not like local papers, like actual papers and places in real places, not the junk here.

But they didn't care and I just kind of shut down. Getting yelled at and threatened makes for a hard environment to try and be creative so I just shut down and I've been like that ever since. I almost ran away, left home frequently, drug abuse, depression, suicide attempts, everything really. It messed me up good.

I just can't open up, and it's difficult to try and imagine getting out of this cycle.

I just can't help but feel vengeful towards them. It might taint the conversations but it's not like they have these issues, I'm the one with the short stick here.

So yeah; sorry I guess that might be a bit too much but it's nice to get it off my chest.
I'll survive, hopefully. Each day's been a struggle so far.

It's just difficult trying to live in a world when all you get is put down day after day. At some point it's just got to end. Nobody I know can relate to me, it's just too much after a while. I have nothing.

Sorry about this, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed. I guess; I don't even know what I'm feeling right now to be honest.

 

I'm dorming right now so that helps to get away even though I'm kind of close to my parents. I still don't see them that often. I don't know what I'd do if I had to put up with them all the time right now.

Thanks for the kind words but I don't know what I'm going to do is the most distressing part. If I had something that could lead to a job, career, etc then I'd go in a hearbeat but I just am not there yet.

But I have to move by the time I'm 21. So that's kind of stressful, knowing that they're just going to dump me and I won't even be able to stop by, store stuff there, etc. I'll have to get a new place just so I can have a billing address.

And as much as I hate to say it I just wish they didn't hate me for who I am. It just sucks, to never be loved by your parents. Of everything I don't even have that; it's just, difficult and painful to know that in fact.

But I guess your right. I'll find people who want to be with me for myself and not just my utility, people who appreciate me as a person and that will become my family since it is apparent that I really don't have one at the moment.

I just feel so, emulsified, if that makes any sense. Just becoming less of an individual and more of a result, a statistic and not a person. It's difficult trying to keep grounded when your just stuck out there with nothing to stay centered on. Nothing to fall back on. It's all or nothing at this point really, or I'm down and out.