Issue with my friends-if I can call them that

So at the job I worked for 2 years at, my life changed for the better. Manly by befriending a group of people that also worked there. However I felt a bit of an outsider because I didn't live in the town I worked (or that area for that matter) and for many reasons I left that job and worked in a more local place.

Anyway I haven't had a social thing with them since July before I left and since then I've only had a couple of dates as a social life. I've barely kept in contact with them since then and it was always me making the effort. I felt out of sight out of mind. I've had a hard few months since leaving there. The new job was awful and made me miserable but fortunately I got a new job I enjoy but 0 social life. I'm in practically a new area with new people who have their own lives. And during that tough time I hoped my friends would support me

So last week I fb them saying we should do something it's shit it's been 3 months since we hung out. Didn't hear anything for a couple of days till they said this Saturday night (tomorrow) I said I can't I'm working all weekend 9-6:30 both days. Te next day I said "seriously can we no have it the next weekend when I'm off?" And 2 agreed and said it suited them but the next day the "queen bee" of the group had a fit and long story short its back on tomorrow (either that or not at all). So IF I go tomorrow I can't drink because ill have to drive 40 minutes west of where I live and the next morning I've got to drive to work that's 25 mins east of where I live and be there for 8:50!!! After that was announced I said nothing I kept quiet because if I kicked off I'd probs be the bad guy.

People tell me that I should ditch my friends but a)they don't know why I loved being friends with them and that they were the best thing that ever happened to me. And b) if I ditch them I lose out. I'm the one losing the Only friends (not acquaintances/pals etc) I ever had and they still all have each other. It's like a break-up, what do you do? Turn to your friends to make you feel better. I can't do that if I break up with my friends.

Part of me wants to go to just see what the vibe is like and if its bad frankly call them out and say goodbye which I will hate so much

 

Thanks for the advice. Genuinely appreciated Xx. Don't think there was 1 thingi disagreed with. I always got on with qb but I never really knew sheets we stood. She only worked1 day a week ably the time I came around and that ended up being my day off so I never really saw her unless it was a social event. And when we are alone (but drunk) we hve great charts and she's spoke to me about stuff like my selfesteem which is a big issue with me. But when she does this drama crap and the fact she gets away with it pisses me off. It's weird be sure my2 "best friends" I idolised and seeing them being her bitch was weird. Especially since my closest friend is such a strong independent person. Bowdown to her mostly wit little unimportant things but not always.

I did actually say something about it at work(don't remember specifics) but I do remember her bringing that subject up at 1 night. The only other close group of friends I had was similar with the thing of 1 person wants to do something, the others bow down and follow and because I wouldn't I was the outcast and eventually made out to be the outcast. Which is probably why I'm such a people pleaser today and try no to rock the boat.

 

So I went last night and I'm glad I went. Overall I'd give the night a steady 7/10. The best thing about it was I felt more confident and infact queen bee told me I seemed more confident and in a better place. I did leave little jabs like half joking about me being pissed off about it being a night I'm working the next day and how I've barely heard from them in 3 months.

But and it's a big but, I still feel insecure and inferior and miserable when it comes to my best (and straight with a long term gf) friend/crush. (Ill just call him bfc). He didn't show up till later. Before I left home he text me asking if I was going and that he might no be but I wasn't to tell anyone (he was at a family party) he eventually came and I was looking forward to see him as a friend. But as soon as he came in all my crush vs. best friend feelings came back. I remember one night he came in late again and it was the 1st time I saw him in ages and I felt like I had at that time developed more self-esteem but as soon as he walked in, it went away. And I felt like it was a repeat of that. Since I left that job I just wanted to see snd talk etc to him as a friend not as my crush but now I'm back at square 1 again and this is a big deal considering feeling this way after I've been on dates with othe guys.

And on top of that I felt he was weird around me. Last time we contacted each other was when we were texting before and after a date I had a few weeks ago, after that I text him and wasn't getting replies (he had issues with his phone but only with calls). He was a bit drunk and when he came in he was hugging everyone in the room but didn't hug me. And there was a spare seat next to me and he seemed pretty reluctant to sit there (could have been because qb's husband got up and gave it to him while he went to get a spare) and the whole time we were there we never really chatted. Only time was when we he was making fun of me in a jokey way. I'm up for a joke but if that's our only form of communication that night it's a bit crap.

A few months ago i told one of my close friends that I did have a crush on bfc and I'm scared he may have let it slip (he's like bfc's BFF while I'm like one of bfc's co-BFFs). At one point we were playing some game split into two teams but since there was an odd no. I'd be on 1 team for the 1st half and the other on the next which brought joked of me sabotaging one team to help the other so everyone was jokingly kissing up to me. Then my close friend said to me "sunnii , bfc told me that he's starting to crush on you" which got me paranoid me putting 2+2 together. I remember him making a comment hinting when we were drunk but only us 2 got it

 

That last post seemed a bit wordy so I've cut down the issue with bfc

I've had a crush on my straight best friend for a while now. But I was always torn about liking him as a crush and liking him as a friend. It doesn't help that I seem to idolise him also so I always feel so inferior to him.

Since we no longer work together I've hardly saw him. Finally we all had a night together and it was good because people said I seemed happier and more confident. (I've had severe self esteem issues and an inferiority complex with my friends) but my crush didn't turn up yet. As soon as he turned up I felt insecure again I felt so inferior to him and was crushing on him again. (I was still pretty confident and comfortable around everyone else but not around him)

What made it worse was that I felt he was acting weird around me. He came in ( he as at a family party earlier) already quite drunk (I was the only one no drinking that night) and he hugged everyone but me. And he ably spoke to me that night the only time he did was when he was making fun of me. (Like I know we all jokingly make fun of our friends but when that's the only from of communication when I've only seen you like once in the space of a month I was a bit pissed. Like when he walked in he didn't say hello but did to everyone else.


I kind of want to say something and just straighten things out but I don't want to sound neurotic or obsessed or piss him off. I've been going through a time where I need friends but I don't know what to do about my crush feelings. I have been on a few dates and I felt like that's what I need. When I went to visit him at home a few weeks ago I didn't have any romantic feelings at all. I didn't feel flustered like I did last Saturday so why did I act like that on Saturday. Idk what to do tbh.