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Advice needed on getting back together with Boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BornAnew, Nov 3, 2013.

  1. BornAnew

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    So just to give a little history. Me & my boyfriend were together for 11 months...most of which were the best part of our lives. It was both of our first relationships. But we knew we'd never felt so comfortable, belonged or in love with anyone. There was deep care in the relationship. We felt extremely compatible due to our similar views on life, strikingly common interests and lots of attraction towards each other. The only main difference was I am more of an idealistic type whilst he is more pessimistic.

    Things went south because of many issues surrounding the relationship most of which came down to my hostile relationship with family & unresolved issues from that as big horrific events had happened in the months prior to me starting the relationship. So later on all this caught up with me, having a huge effect on my mental health. I became pretty much unlike myself..started going into depression, having mood swings. My BF said it's due to family...and it'll settle in time..but the issues just got worse...obviously I should've seen a counsellor. Anyway eventually I started blaming the relationship as it was just easy to blame one thing. I started expecting ridiculous idealism, became needy etc. I told him I felt he's not romantic enough for me. I was feeling so low at that point that I wanted quick fixy type things in terms of feeling better. At this point he was really the only person I interacted with...as we'd spend all our time together (literally)...we did as we never got bored of each other (in retrospect I know that was an unbalanced thing to do).

    Anyway me blaming the relationship & arguments due to that broke down the otherwise wonderful relationship. Obviously you might think why after all the good things I've mentioned. For the last 2-3 months of the relationship In a given week we'd have 1 bad day...but it would be so intensely bad and I'd say some really horrible things about our compatibility. We never used to shout, swear or anything like that though...all the fights were amicable...but soul crushing. And a month ago he broke it off saying, "I just don't love you in the same way anymore, I don't think we're compatible, too much has happened. But maybe we can try again in a few years". He said he can't imagine losing me as a friend though and wanted to stay friends or best friends even if possible. I guess I had planted that idea into his head over the span of a few months. He stuck through in my darkest moments in those months...many people would've run away, I accepted he'd had enough, I don't blame him for it. At that point I wasn't sure about us either.

    Now this break up has been so amicable. We still messaged every day afterwards, spoke on the phone almost every other day. We made sure the other was doing okay...there was so much care shown throughout the last month. No screaming, shouting..hard feelings or anything. I guess the root of all this is the fact that our love for each other went really deep..and even whilst hurting we wanted to be there for the other & make sure we could be friends.

    Since then I have had thorough counseling to sort out my issues with the immense torturous family pressure, course pressure & unresolved memories of a summer spent at home where I was literally mentally tortured day in & day out. And oh my...have I learnt a HUGE amount in the last month. About how deeply I had been affected by that summer, how my mood really resulted in me being the person I'd suddenly become even if a day had gone so well with my BF. There were elements of depression, PTSD, bi-polar & everything in here. But it was early days...and in the past month I've come a looong way in terms of my mental health healing.

    2 weeks ago he thought he was developing feelings for another guy...so he asked him out. I only found this out 4 days ago when he said he wanted to tell me something. He told me it felt all wrong with this new guy, he never wanted to meet him like he had wanted to meet me in our relationship, he said he felt like he'd tried to get a quick fix to fill the gap I'd left & felt like he was cheating on me. He said he wanted to end it with the guy. Honestly I was at a point now where although it was a lot to take in I could totally understand why he'd done what he did, so I just supported him in whatever her wanted to do.

    Later that very day we spoke again after he'd broken it off with the other guy. I told him all about the counseling & how we were indeed extremely compatible. He agreed with both things & said he wished he'd waited before making the decision he had made. He then said he wanted to see me in 2 weekends time (we had planned to meet in november anyway...but he had never instigated conversation on the meeting before...see we live in different towns now), He said the last month had felt like years. And I agree...it's felt like sooo long without him truly there. I told him I'd slept with someone the weekend before (I haven't been all saintly) and told him how wrong it felt...he said he'd slept with his rebound guy too and said it felt the same. At the start of October he had said, "I don't miss you in the same way anymore", "Maybe we're not as compatible as we thought" & so on...so this was a big change from that.

    Since that day our contact level has changed. Before he'd always reply to messages half coldly...I knew it was because he was hurting a lot & trying to get over me. So I don't know what's changed...maybe he believes we can be together again after our last conversation. Either way I definitely want to get back together...the issues that came between us are being acted upon and the journey of them going away has started. He & I had something that was extremely special, we felt it throughout, and everyone around us said so as well.

    So now I need advice on what to do...

    Tomorrow would be our 1 year anniversary. I was thinking of telling him today over the phone that I wanted to skype tomorrow & talk about the future for us. Then tomorrow I'd tell him I wanted to start a NEW relationship. I wanted to let go of the hurt from the old, take the good stuff & start a new relationship. Focus more on our individual selves rather than focussing on each other all the time like we did before. We want to spend all our waking moments together...but that's just not healthy really even if it feels good. So I was going to suggest changes we'd make. And I'd accept whatever he said as a response of course.

    OR

    I could say all that when I go down to meet him. Every time we used to meet after a gap of not seeing each other it would always be amazing. I just don't know what it'll be like this time...I know I'll get the urge to just run into his arms.

    Obviously I'm afraid he might cool down by then...I feel like he's warmed up to me a lot in the past few days again. I feel like his love may be returning to higher points.

    I am feeling so anxious right now...I just wanna tell him everything tomorrow. I feel so afraid. After everything I've discovered and after our conversation a few days ago I want to just get back together badly!

    So should I tell him tomorrow or wait another 12 days?
     
    #1 BornAnew, Nov 3, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2013
  2. tex st

    tex st Guest

    I’m not sure if I’m qualified to give relationship advice, but I wanna say props to you for dealing with these difficult things and trying to better your life!
     
  3. WhiteShadows

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    If you both feel that it hasn't been right being with other people, then that seems like an indication that your relationship was really important to you both, I would at least try to start new with him... Perhaps it would be better to tell him in person..? But I'm not sure
    Good luck though :slight_smile:
     
  4. BornAnew

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    I told hm half an hour ago.

    He agreed with everything I said.

    We're back together! LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST DAY EVER :grin:

    Thanks guys :slight_smile:
     
  5. WhiteShadows

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    Awwwww
    That's so cute!
    Make sure you work it out this time :slight_smile: