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An autistic seeking advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Leonard, Nov 4, 2013.

  1. Leonard

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    Hi, I just wanted some advice on what should I do.

    I am autistic, so I don't really get this world very well. I am totally inexperienced in sexual relationships, but a few months ago I met this guy, we went out on a date just once, it was my first date ever and I was totally clueless, I had no idea what I should do. I don't know what he thought about our date, but probably disastrous.

    Anyway, I really liked the guy, i think we are so alike. So I tried to keep in touch with him, but I felt he was avoiding me, but after a while he suddenly started to talk to me again. I asked him out again but he turned it down. It's been about two months that we have started to talk again and I keep asking him over and over again and he keeps turning me down. He only says "I'm not really in the mood". I don't know what to talk with him anymore, he doesn't ask me anything and he doesn't continue anything subject I start. It feels like I am interviewing someone for Life magazine.

    My lack of experience and need for affection are stamped all over my face, I know it... Sometimes I think he only talks to me out of pity. I wish I could get over him, but I just can't. Due to my Autism I can't stand being touched by other people, but once in a while, I find someone with whom I feel confortable enough. And he is one of those, the only one actually.

    My youth is already starting to fade out and I don't know how many years would take until I find someone like him again. I also have a serious disease, so I don't know if I have that much time to wait. All I see is that I've becomed bitter and hopeless, day after day I like myself even less. All I wanted is to be atractive enough for him. But I have no clue what should I do. I really don't understand this neurotypical world...
     
  2. WhiteShadows

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    Hey
    First of all, my cousin is autistic and throughout my childhood he's been like a brother to me. I understand how you're struggling, but believe me when I say that there's nothing wrong with you at all :slight_smile:

    Do you find things funny? Are there certain things that you love to laugh about? If there is then you can use those; showing a sense of humor is always a good trait :slight_smile: When you don't know what to talk about, sometimes it's ok just to be silent for a while. If you really want to break the silence you can say something like: "sorry, I'm kind of lost for conversation topics" (in a humorous way). How old are you? From reading your post it seems like your autism hasn't affected your communication skills much, so that's good :slight_smile:

    You can post on my wall if you need any specific advice or ideas or just want to talk :slight_smile:
     
  3. dahlia

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    Hi Leonard..I'm so glad you are reaching out for support in your struggle to understand a world that can be so tough..for everyone, especially for people with autism. As much as it is hard for you to figure out this world sometimes, it can also hard for people without autism to understand "your" world. They don't always know that some people with autism don't always understand social cues such as not understanding jokes, sarcasm, idiomatic expressions, underlying messages or body language. It's not that people with autism have low intelligence; they usually are above average as far as intelligence. It's just that they are wired differently from the "norm". You are experiencing feelings that are normal, and trying to navigate any relationship is often a challenge for many. As far as this guy that you have developed an interest in, all I can say is that if he makes excuses to you, for whatever the reason, he is keeping his distance. While that's hard to accept, most of us unfortunately experience that in some time in our lives. You want him, but as you know, it is impossible to control another person. You do have control over your reactions. So, instead of trying to make him want you, try to focus your energy on something that makes you feel happy and safe. If you have a hobby that you love, join a club to meet others that share your interests. Also, keep reading posts on EC to become familiar with other people's struggles so you don't feel so alone with your own. I know you are a loving person and want that love returned. Or at least you want to feel that good feeling of connectedness and you want it reciprocated. The timing of when this happens is usually not up to us. I believe it's when the universe decides. So until that happens, you might want to google social support groups for people with autism so you get additional support and increase your understanding of social cues. Just know that we at EC are here for each other. While I am not a person with autism, I do understand and I do care very much.
     
  4. confuzzled82

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    Hard as it is to do, (I know, I'm an aspie), let him go. Something didn't work out. Try not to let it get to you, realize it happens all the time. I've been on a few dates that ended up only being 1 date, and sometimes it's actually easier if it ends quicker than being drawn out. Honestly, I still kinda feel like my last girlfriend just used me to have someone around her arm at her sister's wedding, and to get a little *ahem*. And, yes, sometimes it can be difficult to get yourself into a relationship, as most of us tend to be more introverted, thus having a bit harder time going out and meeting new people. Don't let that get you down, though. Things have a tendency to work themselves out.
     
  5. bfgxtc

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    I have moderate Aspergers, and have feel like I can identify with your difficulty to connect to people. It does sound to me like he is turning you down, and I think it would be best for you to let him go. You will find someone else, someone who understands you more and appreciates who you truly are. You deserve someone who is going to be honest with you and not give you cryptic messages like "I'm not in the mood".

    Don't allow yourself to be in the mindset that he thinks your first date was "disastrous". That idea is simply a rationalization of why he doesn't want to go on another date, and its not fair to yourself to think that because you have no idea if its true or not. Its really hard to not let thoughts like that constantly annoy you, but just realize that you have to be the most important thing in your life, and that your confidence will be very apparent to others!
     
  6. GayNerd

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    Hi. :slight_smile:

    As hard as it may be, you should move on. If this person is always saying 'I'm not in the mood.', he doesn't deserve you. You can, and will, find somebody who does care about you. Even though it may or may not take a relatively long-ish time, it will be worth it. Just remember that if you just keep looking, you will find your true love, Leonard. (*hug*)
     
  7. bingostring

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    Hi leonard

    I can identify with your post.

    Maybe do not see this guy as your 'one and only hope' or 'last chance saloon' as you can learn lessons from the experience and be more ready for the next person.

    Maybe you will see him again. Maybe he will contact you one day. But you need a strong 'plan B' in the meantime.

    You sound lovely, and very bright and self aware .. Which are both amazing qualities. Maybe some energy can go in to joining interest groups, to broaden out your circle of friends? It would help take your mind off him a little?

    Other people's advice above also good,

    Best