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Lost my friends [Gay guy w/ Asperger's]

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bitchyetough, Nov 8, 2013.

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  1. bitchyetough

    bitchyetough
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    Hello peoples.

    So this probably won't be an average post here, not that I would know much as I'm mainly here because, well I frankly don't want to talk to anyone about it irl.
    The only reason I'm posting here is because it's more or less anonymous. It remains a public place and this is quite frankly a pretty good insight on, well, me.

    Now the problem I'm facing is not primarily because I'm gay. Being gay's the reason I want to repair the problem I now face.

    Quick summary, and well an intro I guess:

    Me~
    19 yo
    Aspergers
    Currently live in France.
    the rest you can probably see to the left.

    Sexuality related:
    premièrement) I'm not so much of an activist, no, scratch-that I'm not an activist, I defend anyone's rights no matter who they are, gay activists deserve a lot more credit.
    secondement) I don't spend my days coming out. I only ever came out once: to my parents. If someone asks me whether I'm gay, I say yes. I've gone passed giving two doo-das about what others may think of me on that level, I'm me and that's all, I don't need to justify myself.
    troisièmement) Single, loved and lost, dated and messed around a fair bit.
    My libido has quite frankly crashed and is near inexistant. I need to actually be reminded by something for any sort of sexual related activity to cross my mind, from watching porn, to master-bating, not to mention hook-ups.
    I just find it to be void nowadays, I've had fun & mastered everything related and lost interest if it hasn't any 'meaning'.

    Asperger's-related:
    I never had any 'noticeable' social problems until recently.
    I'm normally an average party hard guy who likes to joke around and have fun with friends.

    Problem:

    When I broke up with my ex this summer I 'accidentally' discovered I can go long periods of time without caring about any 'human' contact:
    I became a shut-in staying at minimum 18hours a day on an mmorpg that a friend introduced me to, skipping meals & refusing to go out and socialise as I thought at the time it would be a waste of time in regards to the game. When I wasn't awake, my character was on auto-mode, farming experience and gaining levels.
    I didn't speak to my family on my B-day despite them being in the same house as me, I missed my elderly (depressed #lost_his_wife_recently) grand father's visit and I came home from a trip to Paris with a couple of childhood friends I hadn't seen in 3 years, two days early.
    And the thing that disgusts myself even more was that I didn't care. Not in a disrespectful fashion, but in the sense my mind was continuously as blank as a white canvas.

    As far as I went physically, I lost 16kg but I still can't see the difference, my doctor was surprised when my mum took me there a month ago, and according to tests I've actually become healthier (heck knows how).

    Now that's the only phase of depression I've ever had (then again I never felt sad, just absent so I'm not sure if I can call it depressed), but the reason I'm actually here is for advice on how I could ever repair or rebuild relationships with the people I love. I need to pick up the paintbrush and paint my canvas, but I just don't care for anything in particular any more and don't have any inspiration as to what I want to paint.

    I know it sometimes hits people hard when they learn your gay, so that necessarily narrows the spectrum of people you can get on with straight off.

    So when you do have friends that celebrate who you are, care for you, you should cherish them and not erase them from your heart.
    The main affected from my phase are the ones that I didn't mention, because, well I didn't talk to them, text them, call them nor see them, despite them reaching out to me all the time throughout the break.
    I used to have a group of very close friends and one best friend. Nowadays we spend the bare minimum time together, don't see one another outside of uni, but logically, it can't ever be the same.
    Because of this I've become more attached to a what was acquaintance, now friend. However I know this friendship won't last long as next year we'll probably see one another fairly rarely and we haven't become close enough to be solid friends, and we don't have enough in common. I have tried repairing my relationship in regards to my friends however it just isn't working.

    Taking into consideration I was earlier informed today by a mutual “” friend “” one of my friends was in love with me, should I say sorry and quit our group all together, deal with getting my diploma in a years time and try moving to a different city as per my original plans?

    Sorry for the long post, have a good day to y'all
     
    #1 bitchyetough, Nov 8, 2013
  2. Filip

    Filip
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    Hey there, and welcome to EC! :smilewave

    To start off: no need to worry about the long post! I like it to have some background on the threads I reply to!

    Maybe first and foremost: a note on depression. While for some it's a state of utter sadness and despair, in many cases what you're describing fits the bill just as well: not feeling all that bad, but still utterly listless and unable to get out of your rut without major effort. It's not just called a depression because your feelings are depressd, it can depress your willpower too!

    Some time back I was in much the same state and I only really got out of it with the help of a professional, so you might really consider the same. If you feel like you're not thinking or behaving like you used to, it might be the time to consult with someone who deals with this professionally. Worst case you just wasted a couple Euros and an hour or so, to hear you're doing OK after all, but if there is something more going on, it's best not to face it alone.


    On the topic of friends... I can somewhat sympathise with not having a great need for human contact. In fact, in times where I'm really occupied with something, I can often just forget to talk to people, or be rather short with them. And in some cases, the inability to feel lonely can even be an asset.
    But, even in those cases, staying in contact is kind of like eating your vegetables: not always what you want to do, but still the healthy option. So definitely something you should keep as a top priority.

    Now, reconnecting with friends is usually doable. Hard if you obviously snubbed them and left them without much information on why, but if you were ever close, it can usually be done.
    However, it does require a hefty dose of honesty. Normally, if you only skipped hanging out a couple of times, you could get by with just a sorry, but this time, you will be required to give the honest background, even if it might reflect somewhat badly on you (ESPECIALLY if it reflects bad on you, as it shows you're honest).

    So.. you went through the trouble of typing all of this up to us, relative strangers. You are perfectly able to tell your friends this! After all, since the other alternative is turning your back on the friendship once and for all, it's definitely worth a shot. Send it to them in a mail, explain it to them after class, write it out and stick a physical letter in their hands... the method is up to you. The important thing is that they know what happened and why.

    I'll be honest here, success isn't guaranteed. It's up to them if they take or leave it. And you're probably right when you say that it can't ever truly be the same. On the other hand, it might even be that you're able to rebuild it into something better. For example, when I came out, it was kind of hard for some of my friends to swallow that I'd been keeping a lot of secrets from them, actively lying, and that I was fully prepared to never talk to them again if they took the news badly. And it was odd between us for some time. But... ever since, we've been closer than ever. Because in the end, it lead to us sharing hard times we've had, and getting to a better understanding than we ever had.

    ... or that's my two cents, at least. Obviously I'm open to further discussion if you feel it couldn't work (or even if you think it could), and others might have their ideas as well.
    And in any case: do stick around! Talking to people in similar situations can be a grat help to whatever GLBT or other issues you have!
     
    #2 Filip, Nov 9, 2013
  3. bitchyetough

    bitchyetough
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    Hey Filip,
    I will sit down with them and try talking face to face it, is probably too late but you can't always know for sure.
    Thank you kindly for your lengthy reply and the advice
     
    #3 bitchyetough, Nov 9, 2013
  4. GayNerd

    GayNerd
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    Hi there. (*hug*)

    If you want to try to become friends with the people again, just try becoming friends with them again. Since it's been so long since you've really done anything with the people, you may have to learn about them again. So think of it as a second chance in making friends. If you need to, have a one-on-one conversation with one person at a time. Also, if you can tell everybody on EC this, you should be able to tell your ex friends the important parts so they become friends again.
    I hope this helps. :smilewave
     
    #4 GayNerd, Nov 9, 2013
  5. bitchyetough

    bitchyetough
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    I can mainly say it with ease as pretty much no-one knows me here haha
    But yeah thank you :slight_smile: I'll talk to the person I got on the most with before talking with the others.
     
    #5 bitchyetough, Nov 9, 2013
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