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Why am i even living? :/

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by iwillbeloved, Nov 9, 2013.

  1. iwillbeloved

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    Hi guys,
    Im pretty new to this forum but i would like to express my thoughts and ask you for advice as i really dont know what to do.
    First of all i am a 18 year old girl, who is in the phase of accepting her being bisexual (tendency to girls) and somehow figuring this whole thing out.
    I cant come out in the near future without being independant from my parents because
    1. I really dont know how they will react
    2. We are christians and coming from Pakistan and we are currently living in germany and my parents are pretty much famous in our pakistani community. Im so afraid of how my family back in pakistan will react if they should ever know about this.
    How would my parents even react? Everyone of them are expecting a girl to get married and stuff.
    It is really weird but despite of all of this fear i somehow think that after a loooong time my parents could somehow accept me (yes there is hope, because they do love me and everything they do is just out of love ) but i really really dont want them to be hated or insulted by other people of our country and their friends and it is really likely to happen because i would be the FIRST one who is out in our Pakistani community and i guess even in our country (except of some few unknown people who are out probably) :frowning2:

    Could you guys help me somehow? What can i do? Staying in the closet makes it hard for me to be more open in friendships, ... when i start to get to know new people i am always afraid that they will find out im gay .. and i dont want that! .. though i'd like some friends who accept me as i am ... there were even times when i thought about giving up life .. i dont see any point .. you know i REALLY DONT want to live against my feelings .
    Could you tell me how i can get to know new people, and make friends without constantly thinking about my sexuality? And you know whats even worse? In every single thing someone says or in any action I do , i always see/hear something against me.
    Thats also when i started hating Pakistanis because i know they think being homosexual is unusual and i just generalize and hate them all. So it just happens that i talk bad about them, like i dont like them and stuff, my parents who ofc dont know about whats going on in my head think that i am somehow getting weird , because i also keep on saying i dont wanna get married.
    I would love to live life at the moment as happy as possible. I'd like to enjoy it without constently thinking about my sexuality. I would like to make friends and have strong relationships . Can anybody relate to this and give me some advice? I dont know where this should go .. or if its worth moving on.
    :tears:
     
  2. Boston

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    I was kinda in the same situation as you. I was scared to tell people who I was, I'm still scared of judgement and broken friendship because of my sexuality. I'm sorry to hear about your fear of telling people. My parents always told me it was ok if I liked girls so it was easier to tell them for me. It's scary to be in the closet, trust me I know. It's a good start to tell us on here but I know it's not the same, tell someone tell your best friend. Friends will not push you away because of who you are if they're your true friends it'll make you closer, if they're not you don't need them. You will be judged and teased but isn't everyone at one point. Just remember their opinion doesn't matter because in truth it doesn't! Please don't ever give up I self harm and it's a scary addiction. Don't ever think about suicide it's not the way out, it will get better. Never hate yourself for who are are, you will never change and thats beautiful. Remember someone loves you, I love you. It's hard to grow up in this world but try to be above it maybe others will learn and it can be better. Keep holding onto hope. This may not help but two songs that help me when I'm upset about this is morning comes and chain on love both by delta rae. Please don't ever give up. Don't let the worlds darkness kill your light. I promise sweetheart it gets better. You just have to keep looking up, don't give up hope.
     
  3. iwillbeloved

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    Thank you for those uplifting , kind words dear! I really appreciate it!
    Telling it here made me feel better (at least for a while but who knows how long it will hold on) , i cant think about telling it to my friends because .. well i have distanced myself from them as i noticed that no one really cared when i was feeling really depressed and when i have been in this vicious circle of scary thoughts , so thats no option for me. And exactly thats why i wanna get to know new people and i know im pretty awesome as a person and it is easy to be friends with me but i am always so scared that they will find out (but im not ready yet) Its not that fun to act like being heterosexual infront of my friends >.<
    Thanks a lot for those songs, i will listen to them , currently im listening to Adam Lamberts- Aftermath (its about coming out) , i really hopes it gets better as you say it . I really do hope.