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An older guy??

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Goodnyte, Nov 9, 2013.

  1. Goodnyte

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    Okay, let me tell you about him

    He is an amazing guy. We have almost everything in common and he really keeps me up. I met him when I wasn't in a so good position but I feel as if he took a needle and thread and started mending me together. He is seriously a sweet guy and makes me laugh easily. Always joking me and things. He really cares about me and he actually makes me feel as if I matter in the world. Without him I feel as if I don't matter. I guess you could say he is like my other half.

    Yeah, he sounds great and amazing (which he is) but there is one itsy bitsy problem: He's in his 30s.

    I know "age gaps are horrible" "he could be a pedophile" "he would just use you" "you will be changing his diapers" "that is gross!" "it will fail in a few months" I get that. I have heard and seen it all before so I really don't need that. I know I'm only 14 but he and I wouldn't get together until I was out of high school anyways. But he feels the same way about me. I guess I am just asking what to do. He makes me feel like a million dollar bill (thank you Whitney Houston for giving me that term). I know society would judge me, hell, my mother would judge me. But I don't want to be without him.

    So, what do I do?

    P.S. Please don't go judging me or anything. That would really make me upset.
    P.P.S Thank you for reading and (hopefully) responding.
     
  2. Maddy

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    A guy in his 30s who will pursue a relationship with a 14-year-old is not a person you want to be with. I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but it would be incredibly unhealthy for both of you.
     
  3. Goodnyte

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    He doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now at all. While he does feel things for me, he refuses to act on them until I am out of high school, into college and have experienced more in life. Plus he wants me to be sure I want to be with him, which I really understand because I want him to feel the same way. He is one of those guys would would be angry at himself for being in a relationship with me now. He is angry at himself as is for feeling anything for me since he knows that, to society, it isn't right.
     
  4. LD579

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    I think it'd be best for your personal development if you were to put him aside from your thoughts. Focus on people around your age group for now, at the very, very least, and make those connections and discover things about yourself and what you want in a relationship. There's an unparalleled amount of growth during puberty, and there's no telling who you'll be or what you'll want in even just a few years.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    Here's why we are urging caution:

    Relationships are not about healing, or saving, or being saved...healthy relationships work when both partners are healthy and happy in their own right. Too many people enter into relationships thinking that they can only be complete when they are committed to someone.

    You need to get there on your own, which, I know, is difficult to hear; there is still so much growing up to do...take your time.
     
  6. Chip

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    I'm going to be harsher.

    The person you're talking to is a pedophile and a child predator. He makes you feel like a million dollars because he has carefully honed the skill of doing that over a dozen or more years, likely with dozens of people like you.

    He knows *exactly* what to say to make you feel "special" and "loved", tells you you're beautiful and special, there's no one like you, you're the most wonderful/beautiful/hot person in the world, and like you're the only one he's ever cared about. Am I pretty close to the mark?

    But... regardless of what he says, he doesn't care about, love you, or respect you the way you want, need, and deserve to be treated. He sees you as a cute young girl, and he no doubt either wants to, or has already, convinced you to do inappropriate things, or send him inappropriate pictures or to cam for him.

    I really hate to burst your bubble, but I've worked with a number of people your age on EC who have been in similar situations, and always, without fail, that has been the circumstance. And often, when you start to pull away from these sort of guys, they threaten to tell your parents or friends.

    I know this isn't at all what you want to hear. But I also know that, deep down, you know there's a problem with this, or you wouldn't be posting here. We're here to help you make good, smart decisions. And in this case, there's only one decision: You need to let this guy go, and completely break contact with him.

    If you have any trouble doing that, please message me or one of the staff team here. We've got experience with these situations and are happy to help.
     
  7. dano218

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    This is where I draw the line. There is no way this can be a healthy relationship especially since your a minor and it is not legal. Once your eighteen it does not matter but now it's so wrong on many levels. If you feel like you cannot end it on your own please get help from a trusted adult.
     
  8. Maddy

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    What about when "when you're finished school" turns into "when you reach 16, that's the age of consent here/in lots of places", which turns into "but you're so much mature than other girls your age, you're special and I love you so that makes it okay"?

    That's how these guys work. He knows exactly how to make himself seem like a trustworthy, loving and respectful person in the eyes of people who are still in their early teens. Guys like him know how to earn your trust, because they know that's how they can exploit you.

    I know you probably won't believe us, at least to start with. I know it's going to be really difficult for you to see what he's really doing. That's his goal. But please take care of yourself and think it through really hard. We just want you to be safe.
     
  9. resu

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    Listen to the advice given here. The worst thing you can do is assume you can handle dealing with this guy by yourself and not talking to outside people like the members of EC, who have no hidden agenda.

    Also, is this the same guy you've mentioned in previously as a "boyfriend" you met through a gaming community?
     
    #9 resu, Nov 10, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2013
  10. biggayguy

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    If you were 24 and he was 30 it would still be risky. I realize that your going to do what you want to do anyway. However this many people telling you that it's a bad idea should make you think carefully. Listen to your brain and run from this guy.
     
  11. resu

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    Very true! When he says that he is angry at himself for having feelings for you, he is using it to gain your sympathy, for you to tell him that it's alright to like you. His words make it sound like he's bending over backward to be your friend.

    You should be questioning why he isn't interested in girls closer to his age and what his past relationships have been like. How can he think you're an equal in terms of experience? Of course, if you ask him, he will give clever answers like girls his age are shallow, but don't be fooled. If he starts to clam up and not answer at all, that's a definite red flag.
     
  12. BearLover

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    Never let anyone tell you what is right and wrong, you've got to make up your own mind on that.

    But this guy is a paedophile and having sex with him is illegal, being 14 and in a relationship with a guy that is 30+ is not safe. He will know how to manipulate you also.
     
  13. NoClue

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    I agree with all the posters above. I know you think he's not like the other guys and you know where to draw the line but at this age, you don't truly know what you want. We all think we know what we want but as we mature we get a better view of what we truly want. At his age, he knows what he wants. There is no reason why he would put you in this situation unless he's planning to manipulate or pressure you. If he is truly looking out for your best interests he would encourage you to date within your age range. If he isn't, he has other motives.

    I don't want you to feel like we're all lecturing you nor do I want you to be defensive. We are all looking out for your best interests and want you to be safe.

    Ask him why he doesn't date women his age. Tell him you met someone at school you like. Guage his reaction. A true person who cares about you would want you to be happy. But if his reaction is one of jealousy or anger, there's a problem.

    Yes, he may make you laugh and cheer you up. So can other friends. Or family. Even tv or a good book. You are too young to think that you don't matter. You do. Everyone does. The fact that we all are giving you sound advice means that you matter to us. You have your while life ahead of you to find that special someone.

    Don't make him your whole world. Do activities, hobbies, hang with friends, make friends, comment here at EC, keep yourself preoccupied. Don't depend on someone to make you happy. You are the only person to make you happy.

    The irony in me saying this is not a lecture but yet, I've written a novel. I hope you do the right thing. We're all hear to support you.