Okay, so a little about me and my history with liking men. Sorry in advanced, I generally type a lot all the time. ______________________________ It all started in High School, when I came out. I knew I liked men before high school, but I had only told like 5 people I was -Bi-(my closest friends at the time, who looked at me and told me "We know. Well, we thought you were gay, but we knew you weren't straight" lol). In high school I came out to all my friends(which most of them I had never known before high school). Because I was out, and since I was lucky enough to have a mainly liberal student body(or at least people who didn't really care), I had a lot of friends, mainly girls. And we talked like a group of girls, we talked about periods(I grew up with a mom and 2 sisters, and at this time I had a stepmom, and this was just a normal every month thing), acne, choir, theater, and of course: Boys. One of my friends was talking to me and she was telling me that she had a problem: Her and her best friend both liked the same guy. Out of curiosity I asked, "Who?" She gave me a name(but it meant nothing to me, since about 70% of the kids came from a different middle school than I did), and she went on to say that he was one of the basses in choir, a cute bass, nonetheless. Let me tell you, unless you went to a school for performing arts or music or something, the bass section is -probably- the tiniest section of the choir, especially in High School. I think in my Freshmen year there was -at max- a total of 8 Basses, and, being completely frank, there was only one (1) cute guy in the bass section. So having a picture of him in my mind, I say "Ohh! He is pretty cute!" And we all know girls talk, and especially since a gay guy said a guy is cute, it's going to be talked about. a short while later(the next day or so) one of my other friends came up to me and said "So I heard you have a crush on (name)." She was also in choir. It didn't take long for me to realize that he had heard the news. Long story short, I felt kind of bad that he had gotten to be in the middle of all this, later on in my high school years I had been informed that he had been the butt of some jokes because a gay guy liked him. Not many jokes, I think. But still. I think out of 4 years and seeing each other everyday in choir, I exchanged brief words with him 3 times, one was a ice breaker activity in choir, I think freshmen or sophomore year, another saying thank you to him for holding the door as I was entering and he was leaving, and the third.. I don't know.. I'm sure there's another time in there. I had started to develop a crush, but at the same time, it was more of a 'I hope the best for you in everything you do' crush, instead of the 'lyk omg ur s000 hawt' crush(which is only reserved for Harry Stiles, and other select celebrities). But the strangest thing always happened during the summer between school years: I would forget about him. But only for the summer. First day of school, first day of choir, I would see him, and instantly the feelings were back. During the 4 years of High School, I probably did some things that made me look like a big creep. Ok, so I -did- do things that made me look like a creep, one of which was in junior or senior year I had written him a letter. It -wasn't- supposed to be a love letter, but I did use the phrase "I love you". And my friend told me that I should -not- use that, but the letter(which apologized and whatever else, I don't really remember what I wrote) was innocent. But, I had told a few people about the letter, and when I asked a friend of mine to deliver it to him(on a free day in choir) she came back to me and told me he already knew what it said or something like that. After high school, I developed feelings for different guys(at different times), and the one thing they all had in common(including choirboy) is that 1)they were introverts. Shy. For whatever reason, this is my weakness. 2) I saw them on a regular basis. There were of course some guys who I had met/seen like 3 times total and I thought "aww they're so cute and shy!" but I never felt anything deeper, and I think it's because I never saw them again, or if I did, it was once in a blue moon. Oh yeah, and besides my history with crushes, I always look for the best in people, I believe that all people are pansexual, but they just have their preferences as to what they like and who they think they could fall in love with(like for me, I like guys. I've only cared about -guys- in a romantic way. Does this mean I won't meet a woman I'm completely head over heels for? I don't know. I guess I'll cross the road when I get there), and I love everyone(not everyone, but unless you give me a reason not to, I already care about you two seconds before we shake hands upon first meeting). _________________________ So, fast forward to right now. There's this guy I have known for a little over a year and a half. He originally started coming over to my place because of my best friend at the time, who was my roommate. They weren't together, they had just met and they both had something mutually in common(that I also had in common). We would all hang out almost everyday(along with any where from 2 to 7 other people). When my roommate would be at work or sleeping, no one really came over(this fact would bring out insecurities about myself later and I would question why people really came over and included me in said mutual-ness.. I always wondered whether I was -just- the person who owned the apartment and that's why people were so nice to me). But this guy(along with another guy, and this is officially the first time that I liked 2 guys at once, but we're focusing on the first guy) would sometimes come over unannounced when it was just me, and we would watch a movie, or do whatever. He really made me feel included(so did the other guy, but I digress). He also feels like my best friend. He's funny, quirky, cute, shy, and he has really cute eyes AND he had a really cute smile(complete with braces!). I always notice people's mouths, it's just my thing. I love him, or at least in my eyes I do. I care very strongly about him, I wish that everything in his life goes well, and I wish I could be the one that makes him feel loved everyday. Recently, one night something happened with him(not dangerous or suicidal or anything, but just how he was acting and then talking) when he was at my place. He ended up leaving in a rush. I texted him asking if he was okay. "nope". I asked him where he was, and I would come down and talk to him. "I'm too far now, I walked away". I told him that China wasn't too far for me to walk to make sure he was okay. The conversation continued for a little bit via text, but he ended up falling asleep. All I could remember thinking that night is 1)Walking to China, and 2)How when we're 80 years old, I want to be able to hear the stories of his life, of his adventures, of him finding himself. He asks for back massages from me, and other random massages, like his legs, or his arms, and he's even asked me to give him an upper body massage, including his arms, chest, neck area, shoulders, and scalp massage. I was so terrified of doing the upper body massage, 1 because the area I like most(besides the lips/mouth) is the chest on a man, and 2, because I was touching him. I, a gay man. I mean, I don't know if he thinks about that fact when I give him massages, but I mean, at the same time, I don't know if he's sitting there thinking "A gay man is rubbing me right now, he's probably drooling all over himself". I wasn't drooling all over myself, of course. I've googled what to do, so I know I'm not the first one to find myself in 'love' with a straight man. But most of the questions are: I've developed feelings for my best friend, but he's straight. But sometimes I wonder. Or something like that. Most of the answers are: talk to him to see if the feelings are mutual, the worse that can happen is rejection and possibly the loss of a friend. Most continue to say that you'll never truly know unless you take the risk. But the thing is, he's said over and over again that he's straight. Or that he's not gay. So I don't see what possibly could come about me telling him straight up that I have feelings for him(if he doesn't already know). But I also read that sometimes these things can turn into obsession, which I can see some validity to, since my feelings grow the more I'm around a person. It doesn't feel like obsession, because I don't think I've really been obsessed with anything(but who really does think that they are -actually- obsessed with something?). But who knows, right? Also, I normally never judge a person based on how I perceive them to be the first time meeting them. The same guy brought a girl over(there was another guy, too), and we watched a movie, and this girl seemed to be kind of over him, and I could tell that he was liking it. I texted him when they left that I didn't like her, and I asked him if that was a bad thing. He told me it wasn't, but asked why. I gave him reasons which at the time were true. She seemed ungrateful, disrespectful, and just ugly, personality-wise. There was something that happened to me that made me realize that I should be more cautious of other people, and not accept them blindly, which I normally do. But even after I realized I should go with my gut feelings about someone, I still second guess it and give the person the benefit of the doubt. Why didn't I with this chick? In all honesty, thinking back: I think I was jealous of her. I'm pretty sure I had vagina-envy that night, really bad. Ughh. What should I do?! Do I talk to him? Do I just stop hanging out with him frequently? Should I just grow a pair(expression, not meant to offend anyone) and stop having feelings for him? Signed, Dazed and confused, but not really dazed. PS: AND he always sends 1 word answers in reply to my texts(which you can probably tell use up all 160 characters). I know he's said that he prefers to talk on the phone, but it's like, 'GAHHHH'. I have googled this, too. People say that he's toying with you, or that he's trying to see how you react or something, or they just say: He's texting you back, he's at least somewhat interested in the conversation. But most of these are girls asking for advice. PSS: Sorry if this is one big mumbojumbo. I usually reread everything to make sure it's at least 80% understandable, but I think it is. If you have any questions, just ask(which I'm sure you would have done even if I didn't include this PSS).
That was a fun read. Since this guy knows you're gay, you should tell him you like him and see what happens. Otherwise, he may not realize what he's been doing to you. Some guys, both straight and gay, can be obtuse. Once you say what you feel and let him respond, then you will be able to get on with your life.
How do I tell him? I know I should do it in person, but I've never been good with talking about my feelings with people.. Thus why I wrote choirboy a letter, but even that was a bust. I've been thinking about telling him for a while, but I just don't know.
