Hey guys, here I am with another captivating conundrum! :lol: So I'm chatting with two guys right now. One is that guy I talked about in a previous post who's really clingy - we'll call him Nick. The other is a guy who strangely resembles a far more stable version of my ex (for those of you that read those threads, the pseudonym I used on here for my ex was Sebastian) - we'll call him Evan. I feel like even though I haven't even met Nick in real life, I bear some responsibility to him. He's extremely clingy and mentally unstable. He suffers from major depressive disorder (MDD), and it's bad. He's on trazodone, but he doesn't take it regularly, so it had limited effectiveness in his case due to noncompliance. He recently admitted to me that the reason he responds to my texts so fast late at night is because they distract him from crying. He's also recently started cutting himself to deal with his emotional and psychological pain. In many regards where mental health is concerned, Nick resembles Sebastian (that's my ex that it tore me apart to have to break up with). That scares me a lot and gives me anxiety, because I don't want to go through that again. I don't have the resilience to experience that kind of burden a second time. At the same time, Nick has said many times that he's "afraid [he's] going to lose [me]". So I'm afraid that if I cut ties with him, he'll hurt himself. I feel like I'm boxed into a corner with nowhere to go in this situation. Help?!? Any advice? As for Evan, he's far more stable and quite enamoured with me, as I am with him. He's in school to eventually become a hospital administrator, which is great because I'm going into medicine, so we always have lots to talk about. Also, he has a more bearish build like I do, and even though that shouldn't matter, it's a huge plus for me because I don't have to feel as self-conscious around him. We also take exactly the same size, which would double my wardrobe! :laugh: I met Evan on Wednesday on the Gay Dating App That Cannot Be Named and started texting him on Saturday, which means I've only known him for a week less a day. Yet I feel a strange, almost paranormal draw towards him, and I really want to ask him out. It seems too soon to me though, but I'm afraid to let the spark fizzle before meeting him. What should I do?
" I bear some responsibility to him" No no no no no no no. and once again just in case NOOOOOO. Ask Evan out. Problem solved.
Hi Aaron! What EliaOtaku said, run, don't walk, away from Nick! You are NOT responsible, the best you can do is refer him to get some help, you CANNOT be held emotionally hostage to this person. Calmly, but firmly, explain to him that you will not enter into a relationship based on guilt and that you will not be held emotionally hostage. You contact him once and you tell him that you will not be communicating with him again (when he texts ignore them, hard to do but you cannot let yourself be sucked in to this).
I second pretty much everything that ElliaOtaku said. I've dealt with depression and self harm myself. I know Nick's going through hell and it's impossible to understand how bad he's feeling until you've been there yourself, but he's not your responsibility. Seriously, not at all. He needs to deal with his own problems and no matter how bad he feels, he can't expect you to bear responsibility for him.
I must admit, the vehemence of this post made me laugh! :lol: It seems Evan is making it easy for me, because he asked me out! Even included one of those little heart emoticons . I'm going out with him to catch a movie on Monday night, I'm picking him up from the train station. I also made sure that I'm picking him up at a different train station than the one I used for Sebastian just to avoid any painful memories resurfacing. The ultimate test will be if he kisses me at the end! My logical brain is telling me, "You should listen to greatwhale, Aaron. He's usually right." But my emotional brain is telling me, "That's too harsh Aaron, you should try to just be friends with him." I know you're right, I can't get sucked in, that would be very, very bad for me. At the same time, I feel guilty for leaving him on his own. You're probably right.
For Nick, you could try to find other people who can give him the help he needs, at least family members. It's too much for you as an acquaintance to handle on your own, but at least you will have done something. Good luck with Evan.
Thanks for the compliment, Aaron, it's easy for me to give advice, I'm not involved (which is why it is valuable to get a disinterested opinion, it's just clearer for someone else to see). Believe me, I make (and have made) the same mistake, notably with my wife...it was a guilt-trip that got me into a miserable 20-year marriage. I see this pattern happening in my newer relationships with guys (and it is not easy to avoid these little guilt-traps); it is a sad fact that sometimes you need to be a little cruel to be kind...
I was going to say this. You can point him towards some areas of support (that are not you) . Letting him go kindly and gently.
I agree with everyone else, "Nick" has baggage that is not your burden to carry. My dad was pretty much forced into a marriage (by his and her parents) with a woman who is mentally unstable and he and all of my siblings dealt with the consequences of it. It may seem wrong, but in the long run you do not want to put yourself through that type of relationship; when you are ready to leave it will be that much harder on you and them. Regardless of how it plays out with "Evan", you should let someone else, like a professional, care for "Nick".
