Kinda happy yet kinda ashamed of myself?

Hi. I dunno if I'm even really coming here for advice anymore, or if I just need a place to confess the latest in my string of revelations about myself and/or chronicles of my bad decisions.

You might know a bit of my story if you've read my earlier posts. To give you the tl;dr upfront, I'm doing the usual stupid closeted lesbian thing of falling for a friend who probably has zero romantic feelings for me. At least she's bi, I guess, so I'm not playing into the additional cliche of her being straight on top of that.

No, I don't know whether my feelings are "real" or not. Maybe she's just an outlet for my repressed feelings. Maybe it's desperation leading to infatuation. Maybe this is just my way of dealing with the frustration of staying in my existing relationship. To add a bit of irony, the field of psychology I'm studying is human sexuality, so I've already gone over most of the more cynical explanations for my behavior in my head. It's very possible this is something fleeting or simply a terrible idea or both, but I just don't care anymore.

It's kinda impossible for me to deny it any longer. I just feel good around her. I love seeing her smile, and when I see her happy, it makes me happy. I find myself trying to look pretty every time I meet her, in a way that I've never done for guys. I don't know if my BF has caught on to why, but he has told me I'm looking better now than I have in a while. And it's not that I only want her. I also want the best FOR her. I find myself thinking about ways to make her happy or make her life better, in whatever small way I can.

Yeah, I want more from her. I just want her to look at me that way once, like I'm pretty and desirale. Or to hug me. Or kiss me. I took her to a movie tonight to celebrate some great news in her life, and all I could think about was putting my arm around her. I don't think it's possible for anything to happen between us. I'm fine just being around her and talking to her. I dunno how long I'll be able to say this because it already hurts a little even now, but I just want some tiny bit of intimacy with her, even if it's only the intimacy of being good friends.

I feel good when I'm with her, and then she's gone, and then I feel terrible and ashamed because of what I'm doing to the other person in my life.

I mentioned a boyfriend. I'm choosing to stay with my BF mostly for financial reasons. I'm staring at tons of medical expenses I frankly can't pay on my own. He's not some bad guy who turned me off to men. He's actually the opposite; he has been such a great life partner that he kinda "fooled" me about my orientation for quite a long time. When I need support, he has been there. When I was difficult, he was tolerant. He was good to me, and I loved him, but I just never loved him that way. I'm coming to the agonizing realization that he has always been halfway between a best friend and father figure to me (I know that sounds a little creepy), and that I don't have the same kind of romantic feelings toward him that I have toward girls.

And I lie to him about my feelings and try to make things perfect because I need him for practical reasons. I haven't crossed any lines with my friend. But I still feel like a selfish bitch, like the kind of self-involved girl who leaves a bad taste in the mouth of good men on their way to properly expressing themselves.