Over the past year, I've dated a great guy who I know cares deeply for me. We recently moved in together and as I was searching for a lost item, I came across my boyfriend's porn collection which included a large selection of gay and transexual porn. Surprised at first, but not a big deal though. When we first started dating I found, at his previous apartment, I found a few sex toys such as anal beads and dildos. At the time he initially claimed that they were old party favors. After a few days I asked about the porn. He initially lied, but eventually brought them out as we were looking for a porn to watch together. I asked some questions and he was very open and honest. Eventually he telling me a few stories of things he's tried. As he began to explain why he had not told me initially, it became increasingly clear how difficult this subject can be for some people to talk about. I was proud of my boyfriend not only for being so open with me, but also for being so in touch with his own sexuality. I found that it turned me on a bit and after much talking I expressed a long time curiosity of experimenting with different types of threesomes and with women. He's open to helping me ease into it as a newbie. I am a woman who has only been with men. I must admit that I had mixed feelings about not having heard about this before and I almost wish I had known sooner. I would personally want to be with someone who accepted me for my all, my everything that I am. It made me think about the times I had been lied to in the past to cover this up, then I thought about how difficult of a subject this is to bring up. It hurts to know that there are so many people in this world that just cannot be open with people in their life for a wide variety of reasons. He wasn't even sure I would accept him for who he truly was and he enjoyed keeping this life separate. He described it as like a rush even if it is just the rush of watching gay porn when I'm not home. This doesn't bother me. He had many other reasons which I now understand why this is just now surfacing. I feel that my boyfriend inadvertently broke down some misconceptions i had about sexual preferences outside of gay and straight. I do not question his commitment to me despite having previously believed that bisexuals could not maintain monogamous relationships. There are many different types of bisexual preferences and it opened up my eyes to the fact that he was not just bisexual, but pansexual. I thanked him for sharing this with me. As a result, I am inspired to explore my own sexuality. I've only been with men my entire life and I feel the need to experience something new, while maintaining the boundaries we have set up for our relationship. I now am seeing a bunch of missed big hints and "feeler" questions that he dropped to test the waters with me and it makes me laugh as to how clueless I am sometimes. I love him and it's great to know about this other facet of my partner. He has been more affectionate and closer towards me since we talked about things and I hope he feels even just a little more comfortable with me knowing. I am in need of affirmation that this is a good start or that I am handling this appropriately. I suppose there's no right way to handle it. Any input on how to approach things from here? I was just thinking about going at his pace and comfort level, even if it means he doesn't want to talk about it much as he stated. I feel comfortable with asking him questions if I need to know or am curious. Any suggestios on Input on how to approach this new found information is appreciated, as well. Thank you for reading.
You are the greatest girlfriend someone could ask for. You’ve been completely accepting of who your boyfriend is. You didn’t make him feel alienated or uncomfortable. You even expressed joy at finding out. That’s the best thing he could’ve ever wished for. You’re a good person for accepting him as who he is. It’s sad to say, but so many others would’ve been surprised or weirded out or hurt because he didn’t tell them. You just accepted it warmly and made it seem normal, which it is. Good on you.
Thank you so much for your support. Your kind words are appreciated. ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2013 at 07:29 AM ---------- Not sure, but here it is: Over the past year, I've dated a great guy who I know cares deeply for me. We recently moved in together and as I was searching for a lost item, I came across my boyfriend's porn collection which included a large selection of gay and transexual porn. Surprise! Not a big deal though. When we first started dating I found, at his previous apartment, i found a few sex toys such as anal beads and dildos. At the time he initially claimed that they were old party favors. After a few days I asked about the porn. He initially lied, but eventually brought them out as we were looking for a porn to watch together. I asked some questions and he was very open and honest. Eventually he telling me a few stories of things he's tried. As he began to explain why he had not told me initially, it became increasingly clear how difficult this subject can be for some people to talk about. I was proud of my boyfriend not only for being so open with me, but also for being so in touch with his sexuality. I found that it turned me on a bit and after much talking I expressed a long time curiosity of experimenting with different types of threesomes and with women. He's open to helping me ease into it as a newbie. I am a woman who has only been with men. I must admit that I had mixed feelings about not having heard about this before and I almost wish I had known sooner. It made me think about the times I had been lied to in the past to cover this up, then I thought about how difficult of a subject this is to bring up. He wasn't even sure I would accept him for who he truly was and he enjoyed keeping this life separate. Almost like a rush even if it is just the rush of watching gay porn when I'm not home. This doesn't bother me. He had many other reasons which I now understand why this is just now surfacing. I feel that my boyfriend inadvertently broke down some misconceptions i had about sexual preferences outside of gay and straight. I do not question his commitment to me despite having previously believed that bisexuals could not maintain monogamous relationships. There are many different types of bisexual preferences and it opened up my eyes to the fact that he was not just sexual. I thanked him for sharing this with me. I'm proud of him if that makes any sense. I am inspired to explore my sexuality. I now am seeing a bunch of big hints and "feeler" questions that he dropped to test the waters with me and it makes me laugh as to how clueless I am sometimes. I love him and it's great to know about this other facet of my partner. He has been more affectionate and closer towards me since we talked about things and I hope he feels even just a little more comfortable with me knowing. I am in need of affirmation that this is a good start or that I am handling this appropriately. I suppose there's no right way to handle it. Any input on how to approach things from here? I was just thinking about going at his pace and comfort level, even if it means he doesn't want to talk about it much as he stated. I feel comfortable with asking him questions if I need to know or am curious. Any suggestios on Input on how to approach this new found information is appreciated, as well. Thank you for reading.
Re: Original Post Re: Proud of my pansexual boyfriend Sounds like you're doing it exactly right: taking it at his pace, not forcing him. Just give him the space and time to process his feelings and anxieties. And just keep being supportive and understanding. Like the other poster said, he's very lucky to have such an understanding, patient and loving girlfiend like you.
Hi thanks so much for your reply. So a few days after I posted this I logged onto my boyfriend's computer. He hadn't closed a webpage that was a male4male sex website. He had just updated his profile and had responded to an invitation for random sex with a guy in our local area. I confronted him about it and I was so incredibly angry. His explanation was that he gets a rush off of it (although did meet up with a few guys while still single which is cool) by setting this random meeting up with a stranger for casual sex. He stated that he usually jacks off from the rush and that's the end of it. He swears that he hasn't cheated on me before and did not intend to. His reply to meet up with the random guy - which he conveniently scheduled after I would have left for work on Saturday night - certainly leads me to believe that he was getting ready to meet up with a guy behind my back. Thoughts?
Seems dubious to say the least. It's not something a faithful partner would do imo, especially not in secret. I think the best way to proceed is to explain your feelings to him and try to make it understand that you are looking for a monogamous, steady relationship.
No matter how much he tries to spin it as harmless, that's a lot of detailed effort just for a rush. This is one case where watching porn would have been more reasonable, LOL. If you don't like this behavior, you should tell him to stop. Then "trust but verify."
