Straight Crush

Shall I just leave things the way they are?

No, you should not do this. You are 38 years old and it seems you have accepted that you are gay. My first question to you is, why do you "see women" every now and then? You know you are gay and you are in love with another man. Seeing women is just going to keep you from pursuing a relationship that is going to make you happy.

In any event, leaving things as they are is also going to prevent you from pursuing a healthy relationship whether it be with your roommate (unlikely probably) or someone else (likely). You can't just sit in this "purgatory" of wondering and hoping about your roommate. Life is too short to sit around and hope that something will develop with someone when there are a million unknown factors involved. I know it's hard, but a quote that is often said on here is "we only make changes when the discomfort of standing still is greater than the fear of making change." Unreciprocated love is very uncomfortable.

Shall I tell him how I feel, maybe in the future?

The first thing you should absolutely do is come out to him and see how things develop. He seems like a good friend and a good person to accept that. There is a slim possibility that he is in the same situation as you, but too afraid to say anything. If you come out, it may make him more comfortable. I would also avoid asking him if he is gay, that is just going to put him on the defensive. After some time of allowing him to digest your sexuality, then you can have a better idea if telling him your feelings would be a good idea.

Does he need a bit of more time to realise that he is probably gay as past events seem to confirm it?

Those post events don't confirm anything. Him telling you is gay confirms it. Everyone accepts themselves on their time. You are 10 years older to him and haven't come out yet. So if he is gay, then he needs to accept it for himself first before there is even a chance that he might be able to pursue something with you.

Just remember that hanging on to the hope that your friend will like you back could be very damaging. At some point, you are going to probably have to make a very difficult decision to move on with your life and that isn't going to be easy given the proximity you share with him. As I said before, you are 10 years older than him and haven't come out. You don't want to wait 10 years just to have the hope that he is gay.

I always caution against analyzing "factors" or "events" people offer as evidence someone is gay. No matter how much evidence you offer that doesn't confirm anything until your roommate says something. That being said, there is certainly some reasonableness to your suspicion, and by coming out to him you can force his hand a little bit. "If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation."

best of luck,

 

I think the best way to conserve your friendship would be to come out to him first and to see where things land.

That being said, I would like to share some of my personal experience. I fell in love with a friend. And like you, there was reasonable information to me that he felt the same way or was gay. I fell in love with him, and the dynamic of our friendship had changed.

Anyway, it comes to a point where you realize you need to move on. Depending on how much you love the person, I think it is very hard to maintain a friendship with someone that you have fallen in love with. As long as they are in your life, you are going to keep holding onto that hope that they could possible reciprocate your feelings. Only through time, distance and distraction can you get over the person. I have not reached that point yet, but I had to cut off all contact with my friend. It just got too painful. I'm not sure what will happen once I am over him, but suffice to say when you can't let yourself talk to someone less it hurts too much, a friendship is going to be damaged.

A lot of people come up with the conundrum "I love my friend, but don't want to lose our friendship." That's because what person would consciously be in love with someone and want them out of their life? And well to be honest, how many couples out there (straight, gay, what have you) do you see maintaining a friendship when the break up was not mutual? Very few. The "in-love" person needs time, significant amounts of time, to let their feelings dissipate.

It is very difficult, but life goes on.

 

Well then it seems like you are in good spot for things to work out.

Best of luck to you and keep us updated.

 

I hear ya. That hope we have is very powerful and that rational vs. irrational battle can be very hard. That hope is there because it represents the easy path. You don't have to come out really (you'd be in a relationship with your roommate how easy!), and you don't have to put forth the effort to go out and meet new people.

I held on to that hope for a very long time, and frankly never got any answers cause my friend would shun talking about anything even remotely emotional.

You got to remember and remind yourself, everyday all the time (as cliche as it is): you only live once. How much longer do you want to put yourself through this? Your 38 years old. Read some of the stories in the LGBT Later in Life Section. People that are 40, 50 will say how much the regret living in the closet that long.

You said every time you try to put some distance between you and your friend he comes back. And I don't want to advocate being a shitty friend and just pushing him out. But you have to be honest with him and honest with yourself. No matter how good a friend we want to be, to be there for someone, we have to do what is going to make us happy in the long run. If you decide to tell him your feelings, all you have to say is that I need some time to let them go away and I would like to continue our friendship in the future. Then it is on him.

 

You do NOT want to manipulate him into coming out because you like him. You couldnt cause much more damage than by doing that. So when you come out to him, and it should be soon, leave it at that. You can tell him it's why you have asked him a few times, because some of what he seems to be experiencing with the girls he sees is familiar to you, and you just wondered if it might mean anything to him. Let him know hat ultimately, you trust him, you're there for him, and hope hell return it. Maybe your courage will encourage him. Maybe he'll have questions. Maybe he'll be curious. But it's not your job, or your right, to force that change in him.

Coming out is about bringing your outside behaviour more in line with your inner nature. AND NOTHING ELSE. So take the time you need to be comfortable with who you are inside. You don't need to change outward behaviour You just need to incorporate what feels natural, what feels right to you. This is good advice regardless of one's sexual situation. Maybe your roomie needs time to accept that he isn't very sexually attracted to women. Maybe he's not even romantically attracted to them. Maybe he's demi-sexual, and needs a romantic connection to feel sexually fulfilled. Maybe he's gay. The point is, you can't force him to pick a label. All you can do is be a positive influence in his life. Util he asks you to be his boyfriend, he NEEDS you to be his friend, so take that responsibility seriously. Be a good friend at that. Be whatever he needs, and try to expect the same of him.

I always tell people, if you don't try to earn him as a friend, you don't deserve him as a boyfriend. And it applies regardless of wther there's any chance he's even gay. Just be a good friend and respect that relationship. Anything more is special, and not something to be rushed.

 

Listen, there's a possibility that he might be capable of loving you, but there's no possibility of that if you keep things as you are.

Is he okay with gay people? Sounds like he is. Tell him you're gay.


Your situation is familiar to me actually...

It sounds like how I got my boyfriend. We were the best of friends, didn't live together, but sure wanted too. We were close, and he liked girls, but something did seem a little off about him. I friendzoned him and accepted that I wouldn't be with him, and that he was a straight best friend --- something rare, and I left it at that.

However, there came a time where we decided to be honest --- he came to admit that he was bisexual, and changed the dynamics of our relationship, allowing us to be together. I kept my sexuality from him up until that point --- simply because I didn't want to seem like I wanted something more from him --- and so he had no idea I was gay, and I therefore respect the courage it took for him to tell me how he felt.

If you want your relationship to change -- you have to have a similar courage. You need to courage to tell him how you feel AND the courage to accept it if he doesn't want to be close to you.

The point is, is that he sure sounds like he might like you. There's a reason he keeps you around, and cares about you, there's a reason he's going on long vacations with you, and perhaps it's that he wants a close friend. But perhaps it's more. Is he open to homosexuality? If he clearly is, it's not really dangerous to be open with him...and if that's the case... You can find out his feelings if you really want too.

 

I'm super immature and take challenges head on. So my immature advice is: get drunk and kiss him. See what happens.

 

"Drunk words are sober thoughts."

I think you forgot to mention you need to get him drunk too

(just kidding).

 

Ohhh. Nice. Keep on updating

 

Good to hear! I think how things play out over the next couple of weeks might give you a good indication as to whether you need/it would be a good idea to expand on your feelings for him.

For now, just let him be, let things soak in. If he wants to open up to you further, he will when he is ready.

 

It seems like your mate is going through a rough time. Questioning your sexuality is never an easy thing. Have you thought about telling him what you went through, when you realized that you also were into guys? I don’t know if you talked about this, but it might help him understand and compare it to his own situation. Sex is a big deal and if he doesn’t feel it is, then he’s either not in-love with the girl or not interested in girls. He thought before that he might be gay, but he never done anything with another guy, right?

I been straight my whole life, but a few months ago I realized I had feelings for my roommate and best mate, after he told me he was gay and in-love with me. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. In the end I realized my feelings for him were real and strong. We been together in a relationship for four months now, and I’m so much in-love with him. Sexuality isn’t written in stone.

Let him know that he can talk with you about his confusion. At the moment I can imagine that he’s freaking out a bit, because he’s thinking he might not be straight.

Best of luck!