Having a crush on my best friend...

(Sorry for such a long paragraph, but i really need help. I already had social anxiety before i realized i was gay, so i really appreciate your help. Also, if some parts of this paragraph seem a bit odd to the topic, as if i'm talking to somebody other than you, it is simply because i have copy and pasted this story many times, to get as much feedback as possible.) I went to the GLBT website, as any member of that community should. I needed to talk to somebody and I hoped to find some answers. Unfortunately, I went on after hours and couldn't get a phone call in, or a private web chat. Luckily though, i found this website. I want right now, whoever is reading this to know, this will be long. If you don't think you can help me, or if you don't have time to read it all, please go and grab someone else right now, because I need serious help from someone who has experience. Also, if you don't want to or don't feel you can help me, don't waste your time, but please do try.(Note, some parts of this will get slightly dirty, but that is only because i need you to know everything in order for you to know how to help me. Thank you for all of your support.)

Basically, a few months ago, I realized that i was gay. (Just so you know, i am in middle school if that helps you at all) I noticed that i had much stronger feelings and physical attraction towards men than i had ever did women. Now, before i knew this i already had problems with social anxiety and what not, so this did not help me in the least way. The only thing it really did was explain why i never really had a strong relationship with women. I went into a stage of denial, thinking it was just a faze. Obviously, i was just denying it. I knew deep down that I couldn't avoid it forever, but i figured i could try. Of course, i was right. Eventually I realized that after this realization i could not get that "feeling" from women anymore. I even started wanting a man. But I'll explain more about the denial and such in the next paragraph.

During the month of straight up denial, I tried to go about my normal life, crushing on girls and stressing about that. But i always had that thought at the very, very back of my head. I finally came to realize it when I caught myself staring and daydreaming about a guy named Cole in my gym class. This threw me off for about a week. When that week was over, i had a billion questions that couldn't be answered. I knew that Cole was just a fantasy of mine because he was thin and strong, so i let him go easily. I still wanted love though, and i didn't know how to get it. I started to accept myself as a gay (notice the word "started") but not nearly enough to let anybody know. I didn't know who i could trust, or who would be homophobic and tell everyone. I wanted to come out on my own terms, not because some jerk told everyone. Honestly i don't know how long it will be before fully come out and totally accept it, but i desperately need someone close who i can share my thoughts with, and maybe even experiment a bit. I decided i'm going to start dropping hints to my two closest friends. I'll get a little more into that the next paragraph.

I have two really close friends who i don't think are homophobic at all. In fact, they might even be bi or gay themselves. Their names are Sammy and Jarrett. The reason i believe Sammy is either bi or gay is because whenever someone talks about that kind of thing his voice gets all nervous and high pitched. Here was one of our conversations in the hallways. (Sam: "Dude you have to meet my sister's boyfriend he's SO cool! Me: "Really? How so?" *Random kid interrupts, time skip to after he walks away* Me: "So what were you saying about your new boyfriend?" I said jokingly. Sam: *Voice growing in pitch* "What? No I-I meant my s-sister's boyfriend." *feeling awkward about his reaction* Me: "I'm just joking..." *Neither of us say anything more before we separate to go to our classes.) As you can see, he is obviously awkward about the subject. This could mean a variety of things, but i think he's a little bit too awkward if you catch my drift. Next paragraph i will talk a LOT about Jarrett, and you'll see why.

Jarrett and i have been best friends since 3rd grade when we truly met. I have told him stuff I have never told anybody else, and he's never said anything. He is at the top level of my trust list, and i know that if i ever need something he'll be there. but i don't know about this. You never know how someones gonna react. Yesterday, 11/15/13, we hung out for the first time in almost a year. Yeah sure we saw each other in the hallways, but we don't have any classes together so we haven't gotten to talk in a really long time. He decided to stay over, and came at about 6:30. Around 7:00, when we got settled after talking for a while, he started, um, flirting with me. At least that's what i thought was going on. We kept making odd comments on each other, and it got a little bit dirty. He would joke and be like "Spread your legs" and i would respond by doing so with a slight smile on my face. A little bit later, i fell head over heels... literally. I tripped and wound up with my butt poised high in the air with my legs over my head. Without warning, he slapped my ass, hard. At first it hurt and i was whining, but after a minute or so i got excited. We both blushed a deep red. This slightly pleasant awkwardness continued through our regular conversations for about an hour, when we decided to go downstairs. We always slept in my living room, because it was where the TV was. We gathered our things and moved down the steps. Since we have 2 couches in my house, i suggested we both take one of the couches. He then said he'd be more "comfortable" on the floor. I thought i noticed where he was going with this, so I responded with a quick "Well i wouldn't want to be on the couch while your stuck on the floor." So i proceeded to set up my stuff next to his. Pretty close, but not close enough that he would suspect anything. We started watching TV with regular random activities til about 12:00. During this time, Jarrett made a very strange move that made me curious about how he truly felt about me. While we were lying next to each other, he leaned over and licked my arm. Quickly, but it was enough to send chills up my spine. I quickly tossed the subject, not saying anything before he realized my face was a very deep red. It was later we decided to sneak out, not to do anything devious or illegal, but to just take a private walk. I secretly LOVED the idea, but i wouldn't let him know that so i simply just nodded my head at the suggestion. Once we were out we both realized how beautiful out it was. It was the perfect temperature, not hot at all, nor was it cold. It was a full moon too, with near clear skies. I brought my iPod so we could listen to some music. We listened to a whole variety of music, from dub step to old Eminem music. However, none of that music mattered. It was all a build up to the biggest hint yet. The final song i played was "Same Love" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis, featuring Mary Lambert. It's a song about gay rights, and how everybody is equal. It was quiet for a moment, before Mary Lambert started singing "And i can't change, even if i tried, even if i wanted to, my love my love my love she keeps me warm." After that verse Jarrett asked "Is she a lesbian?" I explained how she wasn't a lesbian but she made a song about equality and how much i support that type of thing. By this time we had reached my house and decided to go around another time. About halfway through the walk the backs of our hands touched lightly, and neither of us moved away. In fact, we both moved a bit closer so that our upper forearms bumped lightly as well. We walked like this for about 15 minutes before we had to move out of a car's way. Our arms separated, and we both sighed after the car passed. However, neither of us dared to move back in, for fear of rejection. When we got back to my house, we laid down for about a half an hour before deciding to go back out one more time. When we went out, it was much colder than before. I jokingly said "Apparently it's a good idea to share body heat." Almost instantly he moved over to me so that we actually were sharing body heat. I thought to myself "Yeah, much better." Once we got back we got into a little wrestling match on the floor. Afterwords, he did something that shocked me. He asked me straight up "Jake, are you gay?" Those 4 words sent a billion thoughts flying through my head. I sat there, looking into his dark brown eyes, and wondered why he asked that. I had never had feelings for him before tonight. So when he asked that, i had no idea what to say back. Maybe he felt the same way about me as i did for him? Or maybe he caught on to the hints and wanted to know for sure. I was just hoping it wasn't because he thought our messing around was disgusting. I responded with "Um, that's kind of a personal question." He looked odd after i said this, not as if he was questioning what i said, more as if he was disappointed. At least that's what i thought i saw. He quickly responded with "Cause if you were, we wouldn't be friends anymore." These words seriously got to me. I didn't want to show it, but i was holding back from getting all emotional. Then i thought, maybe it was just a cover up. He didn't seem to be the kind of person to be a homophobic, so i simply responded with "What's wrong with gays? You homophobic?" He then said "I was just kidding." Those were words of relief, but still, why had he said that? Maybe it was a cover up after all. We started to watch Hangover part III because we rented it for the night on demand. He fell asleep halfway through the movie, and i realized how peaceful he looked when he was sleeping. He was such a modest person, he claimed he was fat, then before he went to sleep he took off his shirt and said he was going to change into a more "comfy" one. He turned around before putting his other shirt on and i saw how thin and strong he was. This pushed me a bit over the top with excitement, and then I "randomly" decided i'd better change too. He blushed light pink at this, i think he noticed the ironic timing of my clothe changing. (directly after he did) I realized i had been watching him sleep for about 3 minutes, so i decided to do something about my eagerness. I put my arm on his pillow beside his head, so my arm kind of wrapped around him in a ways. I knew he was asleep, but it felt right somehow. Eventually i realized how soft his lips looked. They looked moist, not the slightest bit chapped, and they were puffy while he was sleeping. Or maybe they were like that all the time and i just hadn't noticed cause i didn't have a crush on him before. I wanted to kiss him so bad. My mind was having a war inside of me. One side was saying "Just kiss him really quick, he won't notice, and besides it'll be sweet." while the other side was saying "Come on, you're better than this! What if he wakes up? Your friendship would be ruined because of your greed. And besides, that's just perverted, to kiss someone while they're sleeping." Fortunately i came to my senses and didn't kiss him. If I kissed him, I would want him to know, not do it without his permission. That would just be creepy. And that's where my problem is. I deeply like my best friend! I feel like he's the only person i can trust, but i don't want to ruin our friendship. And if i do, what goes to say he won't tell other people my secret? I said before, I want to come out on my own terms. That's why i've turned to my only decision, help from people with experience. You guys and girls. I'm really going through a tough time right now with my mind constantly battling itself. I need someone to talk to, I know you guys are great, and will help me lots i'm sure, but i need to talk to someone face to face. That's why i want Jarrett so badly, if it turns out good, i'd have everything i need. If it turns out wrong, i'd probably go into deep depression. Don't get me wrong though, I want you guys to help me find a way to try and get him, not to avoid my feelings. That would make me even more depressed. I may sound needy, but that's cause i am. Is there a question or some way i can find out if he's into me or not? Cause that's what i really need to find out. If he's into me, ill make a move, but if he's not, ill work on getting over it. I hope it doesn't come to that. Thank you for reading and listening to my story, i hope you will respond with some positive feedback. I'll be waiting eagerly.